DH just accepted a job that includes 33% travel- prepare me

[Anonymous]

My DH did this for quite a few years. The air miles and hotel points were nice, yeah, but having him away so much got to be pretty stressful once both kids were in elementary school. That was actually much tougher than when the kids were preschoolers because of weekend sports, and because bigger kids = bigger challenges. When he stopped traveling, at first we did miss the VIP lounges, etc., but that was forgotten very quickly. What our kids remember now -- as high school and college students -- is that they were really glad to have their dad around more often. And so was I.

[Anonymous]

Wow this is all really helpful. I appreciate it!

It's likely going to be one 5 day (M-F) trip to Europe per month and one 2-3 night domestic trip per month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this is all really helpful. I appreciate it!

It's likely going to be one 5 day (M-F) trip to Europe per month and one 2-3 night domestic trip per month.

I agree with much of what’s been said, but keep in mind that a trip to Europe like that is going to tank the weekend after he returns, due to jet lag. So, I’d think carefully about how to structure those weekends in particular, so you can go easy on you, hire extra help, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

OP's husband is going to be gone 1-2 days per week. Seems like that shouldn't be a huge issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this is all really helpful. I appreciate it!

It's likely going to be one 5 day (M-F) trip to Europe per month and one 2-3 night domestic trip per month.

Two trips a month, one very short; one week long. You’ll find a rhythm after a few months. The week overseas will involve 1-2 weekends a month, which can be tiring. If it’s all set up in advance it will be very workable. Be sure to carve solo and couple time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I can’t imagine the drudgery of parenting solo for days at a time will recapture the LDR sexy time reunion feeling of your 20s!!

Strap in and try to limit resentment for his adult only dinner out, hotel beds, and happy hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

I’m sorry. DH should never complain. 5 hrs on a plane in the modern era of endless entertainment is ridiculous. He can nap or watch movies of his choosing or surf the internet.

I truly doubt his work requires late nights as there won’t be any making dinner or dishes or laundry on his travel. His only demand will be some work meetings that I doubt go past 8pm (and would include dinner) and maybe writing some emails. He’s not a deployed soldier on patrol or a firefighter or traveling nurse. Business travel is generally pretty sweet fit compared to working parents.

I assume his new job includes a big pay raise so OP really needs to look at part time jobs options.

[Anonymous]

Is it financially possible to get a nanny?

Having a good nanny took so much pressure off especially when DH was deployed. She engaged my toddler all day and got her out and socializing with other kids every day as well as picked up my oldest from school to avoid aftercare. She does all the kids laundry, toy clean up, closet and dresser organization, and food preparation (she made my dinner too when DH was gone but I eat very simply and what the kids eat). It was (still is) so nice having another adult to talk to about the kids when DH was gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this is all really helpful. I appreciate it!

It's likely going to be one 5 day (M-F) trip to Europe per month and one 2-3 night domestic trip per month.

Oh that’s not so bad! Totally manageable. I’d recommend bumping up the house cleaning to weekly though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

Your husbands are punking you. DW here who also travels frequently for work (and typically to sub Saharan Africa in coach- so not exactly cushy) and solo parenting two young children is hands down much harder/more exhausting. Your spouses should be rolling up their sleeves and jumping right in when they get back.

[Anonymous]

My husband travels a LOT. One thing I splurged on that was truly life changing was a professional organizer. She went through all our trouble spots from the garage to the playroom to the mud room. We (well mostly her) purged, moved items to more thoughtful locations and labeled. Having a labeled, planned out and manageable system house-wide keeps the clutter down way past the time when the organizer leaves your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

Your husbands are punking you. DW here who also travels frequently for work (and typically to sub Saharan Africa in coach- so not exactly cushy) and solo parenting two young children is hands down much harder/more exhausting. Your spouses should be rolling up their sleeves and jumping right in when they get back.

I agree that solo parenting is harder, but that doesn’t mean travel isn’t hard too. When I come back from an overseas trip, I hate feeling like DH thinks I “owe” him or like I can’t honestly express that I am tired. No one wins the suffering Olympics, and certainly not the marriage. The attitude that “traveling spouse OWES ME” doesn’t bode well long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

Your husbands are punking you. DW here who also travels frequently for work (and typically to sub Saharan Africa in coach- so not exactly cushy) and solo parenting two young children is hands down much harder/more exhausting. Your spouses should be rolling up their sleeves and jumping right in when they get back.

NP but I don’t agree - jet lag is rough. Giving him time to get a bit of rest is totally fair. Flying home from Cleveland is one thing, flying home from Europe or Asia with your body thinking it’s in another time zone is another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

OP's husband is going to be gone 1-2 days per week. Seems like that shouldn't be a huge issue.

So that's 50-100 days per year. Sounds like a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

Your husbands are punking you. DW here who also travels frequently for work (and typically to sub Saharan Africa in coach- so not exactly cushy) and solo parenting two young children is hands down much harder/more exhausting. Your spouses should be rolling up their sleeves and jumping right in when they get back.

I travel to Asia. Business class. And can you believe it, my jet lag is still horrendous the first 24 hours?!?! While statements are true, my tone intentionally sarcastic. Cool you can jump right in. I can't. (DW here).