Female breadwinners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the breadwinner for a while when he was getting a second bachelors/doctorate. It was when we were starting our family and I didn’t like it. I felt like I had to give birth, breastfeed, maternity leave etc and make all the money. But it is now over and he makes more than me. I love that. When I see/hear of wives that have sahd husbands I think they got the short end of the stick. I would resent it. However, I realize many consider the his old-fashioned.

Just imagine how guys feel with low earning wifes or sahws.

I have incredible empathy for every man who gives birth, breastfeeds, etc.

[Anonymous]

This situation seems to be very different for people who earn 5 figures. I make about $80k. My husband recently got a job that pays around $45k, after several years of unemployment or underemployment. We live in the Midwest.

I don’t want to resent him, but I do. I feel like a fool for marrying him, even though he loves me and is a great person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This situation seems to be very different for people who earn 5 figures. I make about $80k. My husband recently got a job that pays around $45k, after several years of unemployment or underemployment. We live in the Midwest.

I don’t want to resent him, but I do. I feel like a fool for marrying him, even though he loves me and is a great person.

Well, it's your fault for not earning more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For two years I was, and we didn't know it would end after two years. On one hand I was proud that I could do this, and proud of how organized I was in order to do it. Everywhere I went and everything I did was very purposeful. On the other hand, I felt a lot of pressure to not get fired, to not lose our health insurance. And I got a bit bent out of shape when the time I'd designated for say, bonding with our daughter, wasn't time she wanted to bond with me.

DH was a SAHD (though we also had a nanny and cleaning lady once a week) who was kind of ... finding himself. He did all the cooking for us and took care of the bills/mail/our laundry, etc. I don't know exactly how he split responsibilities with the nanny, but I always came home to a clean house, a clean baby and dinner almost ready or ready.

This sounds amazing.

Well, yeah because her "SAHD" husband had a FT nanny and weekly housecleaner. I'm guessing his presence was superflouous to the situation. I could be a great SAHM too if I had a full time nanny and weekly housecleaner, Jesus!

[Anonymous]

DH is sole/primary earner for 16 years. We accumulated a nice nest egg but not enough for full retirement. I have really secure high paying job and we decided it is not worth him time to continue on his job. So he became a SAHD. He is exceptionally well organized, does 90% of the cooking, cleaning and 100% of all bills, laundry, kids activities, supplementing kids education, etc. He cooks be a very healthy breakfast from scratch 6 days a week (I do one day on weekend) that is just for me. Both of us are am very happy where we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it for years because he was “running a business”. So on top of the job that supported me and my kids I also did all his books for a business that made us zero dollars. I honestly wouldn’t have cared if he helped with the kids and the house but he never did anything.

So I assume you are divorced now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is sole/primary earner for 16 years. We accumulated a nice nest egg but not enough for full retirement. I have really secure high paying job and we decided it is not worth him time to continue on his job. So he became a SAHD. He is exceptionally well organized, does 90% of the cooking, cleaning and 100% of all bills, laundry, kids activities, supplementing kids education, etc. He cooks be a very healthy breakfast from scratch 6 days a week (I do one day on weekend) that is just for me. Both of us are am very happy where we are.

How did you not work for 16 years and then get a "secure high paying job"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the breadwinner and make 4x what my husband does. Should I lose my job my DH’s salary could not support us. That puts immense pressure on me and is a pressure that I don’t like. I have been the breadwinner for almost our entire day 14 year marriage. I find it lonely as well since most of my friends have higher earning DHs and can’t commiserate or really understand where I am coming from.

My DH does split home front duties but shockingly his low paying job is also very inflexible so I am the parent on deck should an emergency arise. I feel very alone sometimes and that I can’t change jobs or follow a passion because my income is so needed. My DH will never make more than $60k (which is much more than he makes now) so we need my $150k income.

+1,000. My situation almost exactly. I could’ve written every word of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is sole/primary earner for 16 years. We accumulated a nice nest egg but not enough for full retirement. I have really secure high paying job and we decided it is not worth him time to continue on his job. So he became a SAHD. He is exceptionally well organized, does 90% of the cooking, cleaning and 100% of all bills, laundry, kids activities, supplementing kids education, etc. He cooks be a very healthy breakfast from scratch 6 days a week (I do one day on weekend) that is just for me. Both of us are am very happy where we are.

How did you not work for 16 years and then get a "secure high paying job"?

Studying. Physician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This situation seems to be very different for people who earn 5 figures. I make about $80k. My husband recently got a job that pays around $45k, after several years of unemployment or underemployment. We live in the Midwest.

I don’t want to resent him, but I do. I feel like a fool for marrying him, even though he loves me and is a great person.

Well, it's your fault for not earning more.

I'm not PP but this such a stupid and diesrespectful comment. There are thousands reasons for having a well paid job or earning only just the bare minimum and you dont'have always a choice. Rich people live on the back of the working class; they're nothing without nurses, policeofficers, drivers, farmers, plumbers and so on. So just shut up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This situation seems to be very different for people who earn 5 figures. I make about $80k. My husband recently got a job that pays around $45k, after several years of unemployment or underemployment. We live in the Midwest.

I don’t want to resent him, but I do. I feel like a fool for marrying him, even though he loves me and is a great person.

Why do you resent him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the breadwinner, what does it feel like? Are you happy in the role? How does your DH contribute to the household?

Very natural, yes immensely, full homemaking. Less stress for him (I do taxes, conflicts), less physical aches for me = better intimate time. Sexy Men are built for physical labor and some svelte women are naturally brainy in every culture except USA's Deep South/Midwest where they "act" dumb.

I am going to sidestep the stereotype of the south/midwest, but comment on the men = strong and should do the household labor and woman = smart and should earn the wages. At my first job, so 22 and more than a decade from having kids, I remember one of my colleagues with teenagers telling me this. I had forgotten until now but maybe he was on to something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the breadwinner and make 4x what my husband does. Should I lose my job my DH’s salary could not support us. That puts immense pressure on me and is a pressure that I don’t like. I have been the breadwinner for almost our entire day 14 year marriage. I find it lonely as well since most of my friends have higher earning DHs and can’t commiserate or really understand where I am coming from.

My DH does split home front duties but shockingly his low paying job is also very inflexible so I am the parent on deck should an emergency arise. I feel very alone sometimes and that I can’t change jobs or follow a passion because my income is so needed. My DH will never make more than $60k (which is much more than he makes now) so we need my $150k income.

Except for the part about the husband's inflexible job, I could have written all of this. One of things that we changed to make life easier on me was for my husband to get a more flexible job -- it felt too unfair the other way.

My sense is that the women who feel resentment don't like their job or feel that they should not have to earn. I have definitely felt the first part but not the second part. Now that my job is a better fit for me (and I'm more mature and accepting of life), it's a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friends ended up in this situation.

She had a Phd; he had an IT job with good pay but never went to college.

He became the SAHD. She soon cheated on him with someone from her work.

She no longer respected him, to no one’s surprise.
They are divorced now.

Studies show infidelity is highest for men whose wives' out earn them substantially. I don't know if it's that they feel emasculated and/or just have more time.

I'd love to see these studies. Can you share a couple of citations?

[Anonymous]

I saw enough divorce court in law school to know that you don’t to be the breadwinner but make a number you are comfortable with wether your the DW or DH.