How many of us are staying married for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. They’re still in ES and other spouse has unmanaged mental disorders and anger issues. Maybe they’ll agree to move out some day and stop pretending to the outside world.

I truly feel for you and respect you not leaving. If the courts don’t see things as you do, it could mean the kids having to be with your spouse without your protective influence.

I stayed until it was unfortunately clear the oldest child was copying what little she saw of her father and his dysfunctional behavior and belligerent responses to any request or comment. Then it was crystal clear I had no reason to stay, I could not protect or compensate for him, and that the children would have to become whatever they become.

Same. Stuck it out until kids were 10 and then divorced. They will always have to cope and deal with the dad they have. Everyone’s in therapy for that.

Red flags on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No me. Left when the child was 7. The abuse didn't end even though I begged him to stop it. It was extremely hard not to see my child, but I got used to it. I get to see the child about twice a month if I'm lucky when "they have time".

how did he get primary custody with abuse?

My former spouse abused me and cheated and also got custody. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s more like I’m working hard on the relationship for the kids. Were it not for them I would have bounced years ago.

And that’s probably a good thing because overall DH is a great guy and I very much like being married to him.

I haven't gotten to the point you are ("very much like being married to him"), but I've come to view the commitment similarly: I'm not committing to stay until the kids leave; I'm committing to working hard on the relationship for the kids. I hope over the course of years that bears fruit and creates a better relationship. If it doesn't, my current view is I'm committed to trying while the kids are here, and then I can honestly tell them I gave it everything I had.

(And my marriage does not involve abuse or other things that would make such a commitment unreasonable, unhealthy, and/or unsafe for me or my kids).

[Anonymous]

I am. My husband isn’t abusive or anything, but our relationship feels pretty one sided, and (outside of the kids) I definitely have put more into it than I have gotten out of it.
If it weren’t for the kids, I would not have made the sacrifices I have made to keep the relationship going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s more like I’m working hard on the relationship for the kids. Were it not for them I would have bounced years ago.

And that’s probably a good thing because overall DH is a great guy and I very much like being married to him.

I think this is more or less where I am at, too. I feel a lot of conflict. I love my husband, I even like him a lot of the time. But he is an alcoholic (in recovery, but with slip ups occasionally), selfish, and has ADHD that he refuses to take medication for (even though it helped). The kids are too young now for me to leave (3 and 6), but if things don’t improve in a few years I will. He can be a wonderful father, but also a total ass. I’m not leaving the kids with him 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i am. and it's killing me. sometimes i feel it's driving me crazy, literally. i also wonder if DW is doing (and feeling) the same but neither of us has said anything. yet. planning on separating in 4 years and divorcing in 5, if i (or DW) don't completely lose it before then.

Why aren't you talking about it?

coz i know it's impractical. we don't have a lot of money to sustain two households. she knows that too. so no reason to bring in extra stress. i'm hoping she'll remarry to someone with money to take better care of her.