How many of us are staying married for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No me. Left when the child was 7. The abuse didn't end even though I begged him to stop it. It was extremely hard not to see my child, but I got used to it. I get to see the child about twice a month if I'm lucky when "they have time".

how did he get primary custody with abuse?

I’m so sorry but all I can do is lol at this comment. I’m sure somebody else will explain it but I’ll just say that family law is way suckier than you’d think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I wanted out in week 2 of marriage. Found out I was pregnant week 6. Staying now in year 9.

Most people think of staying for the kids in terms of not wanting to upend a situation the kid has grown up in. Did you consider leaving before the kid was born to save you that dilemma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No me. Left when the child was 7. The abuse didn't end even though I begged him to stop it. It was extremely hard not to see my child, but I got used to it. I get to see the child about twice a month if I'm lucky when "they have time".

how did he get primary custody with abuse?

Money
Lying
A hole aggressive lawyer
Parents rights >>> Child’s rights, safety, development
Personal attacks on the mom
Stonewalling any mediation or court process/ dragging it out

It remains about power and control. Never about the kid. Post separation abuse via the kids and via the courts (money maker!!!) sux and can go on for years.

Seriously just takes one unhealthy narcissist parent to make a high conflict divorce. 90% are mediated, not these types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No me. Left when the child was 7. The abuse didn't end even though I begged him to stop it. It was extremely hard not to see my child, but I got used to it. I get to see the child about twice a month if I'm lucky when "they have time".

how did he get primary custody with abuse?

Just fyi a father more likely to get custody if the mother alleges abuse. I don’t know why but it’s actually a bad idea for a woman to mention the abuse, unless, perhaps, it’s incontrovertibly documented over a long period of time. And even then it’s dicey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Needless to say, the one child continues to derail (getting obese, quit activities, “forgets” to do homework or even bathe) and the other continues to walk on eggshells and live in two totally different worlds.

This is sad. Sorry to hear about this. It seems like this suggests leaving and changing course would be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No me. Left when the child was 7. The abuse didn't end even though I begged him to stop it. It was extremely hard not to see my child, but I got used to it. I get to see the child about twice a month if I'm lucky when "they have time".

how did he get primary custody with abuse?

Just fyi a father more likely to get custody if the mother alleges abuse. I don’t know why but it’s actually a bad idea for a woman to mention the abuse, unless, perhaps, it’s incontrovertibly documented over a long period of time. And even then it’s dicey.

Any time you allege something that you cannot prove, you lose credibility. And so much of a abuse is psychological and leaves no trace. So much is financial, if one spouse makes all the income. It leaves no trace, unless you can document specific events like one spouse cutting the credit cards of the other, or taking a dependent spouse with no personal income off the joint accounts. As for verbal abuse, unless you can record hundreds of video of swearing, name-calling, below-the-belt accusations - that also, is invisible.

It's sad.

[Anonymous]

I am. Year 15. Waiting until the youngest goes to college or leaves the house. DH is not a bad person. Great father, very involved. We are just very different temperamentally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. They’re still in ES and other spouse has unmanaged mental disorders and anger issues. Maybe they’ll agree to move out some day and stop pretending to the outside world.

I truly feel for you and respect you not leaving. If the courts don’t see things as you do, it could mean the kids having to be with your spouse without your protective influence.

I stayed until it was unfortunately clear the oldest child was copying what little she saw of her father and his dysfunctional behavior and belligerent responses to any request or comment. Then it was crystal clear I had no reason to stay, I could not protect or compensate for him, and that the children would have to become whatever they become.

Same. Stuck it out until kids were 10 and then divorced. They will always have to cope and deal with the dad they have. Everyone’s in therapy for that.

[Anonymous]

i am. and it's killing me. sometimes i feel it's driving me crazy, literally. i also wonder if DW is doing (and feeling) the same but neither of us has said anything. yet. planning on separating in 4 years and divorcing in 5, if i (or DW) don't completely lose it before then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i am. and it's killing me. sometimes i feel it's driving me crazy, literally. i also wonder if DW is doing (and feeling) the same but neither of us has said anything. yet. planning on separating in 4 years and divorcing in 5, if i (or DW) don't completely lose it before then.

Why aren't you talking about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am. Year 15. Waiting until the youngest goes to college or leaves the house. DH is not a bad person. Great father, very involved. We are just very different temperamentally.

This doesn't seem like a reason to get divorced to me.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it.

My parents did this and let me tell you, the kids know! My siblings and I knew. Even though they didn't fight when we were present, the tension from the fights was always present and what we the kids were left to deal with. It's also a LOT of pressure for a kid to deal with. I know I was always trying to extra helpful, extra good, extra attentive to cause as little stress as possible for my parents to try to ensure I didn't give them a reason to fight over/about me.

Also, as a teacher, I hear kids talk and it's not different from when I was their age. They also know their parents are only in it for them. Most say they wish their parents would just split up and be done with the drama.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this, and yeah they didn't provide us with the best example of a loving relationship (though they didn't fight or yell), but I think ultimately it was worth it for them once we were out of the house. Their relationship improved and they enjoyed happier years of retirement. I couldn't imagine either of them growing old alone and trying to fit in all family visits separately and how their finances would've changed. It was worth it for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way I look at it, when we had a child I was making a 19 year commitment (baring something truly awful). We had another two years later. I prefer he wasn’t around, but raising kids is easier with us tag teaming, and I’m prioritizing their well being over myself. We don’t argue a ton, especially not around them, so I don’t see it negatively affecting them. My only desire is for peace, mutual respect and an equal division of household chores until they’re off to college. Then, I’ll be moving on to the next chapter separate from him.

To this PP and others in this position… Does your DH know or suspect you’ll be divorcing when the kids are older, or will he be totally surprised? Wondering how the sort of arrangement works

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am. Year 15. Waiting until the youngest goes to college or leaves the house. DH is not a bad person. Great father, very involved. We are just very different temperamentally.

If you want to divorce your spouse for that, you do not deserve him.