Are only children more or less mature for their age?

[Anonymous]

I have an only child in 5th grade. My son is very mature in many ways. He's very independent, getting himself ready for school and heading to the bus by himself every morning. He's a very smart kid and a good student who's very well liked by his classmates and his teacher, he has a lot of self confidence and very good social skills.

However you could call him a late bloomer. He still loves playing with toys, sleeps with his stuffed rabbit every night and still enjoys pretend play. He's also an introvert and has had the same BFF, a girl his age he's known since daycare who he does everything with. It will be interesting to see how he does when he goes to middle school and how things may change over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they are more independent and also tend to have more advanced communication skills. They also seem to have more confidence on average, probably because they feel extremely secure in their parents love. However, they can also struggle more with peer conflict because they don’t get any practice with siblings.

This perfectly describes my only child, especially the part about peer conflict. It’s what she struggles with the most and it has worsened due to the pandemic.

PP here and yep— I was writing from experience. The pandemic has been tough on onlies. My DD has always been super attached to her dad and I, but the reduced opportunities for socialization have intensified that while making it harder for her to get along with other kids. But what are you going to do? We had secondary infertility and don’t have a choice in the matter.

As with everything, it depended on how you handled it. We have an only who was in 2nd when this started. We did the isolation thing for a month and then after he was crying because he missed his friends said screw it and let him play outside with 2-3 kids whose families we trusted. It made a world of difference and he is just fine now. The families we allowed him to hang with were not traveling and we cancelled play if any kid had the sniffles or a fever. He played baseball when that returned in the fall and continued on with Scouts which followed social distancing guidelines when we met outdoors. Or tried to. Everyone did wear masks at all events. DS returned to in-person school as soon as he was able to.

I understand that different people made different decisions but we felt the mental well being of our then 7 year old was as important as everyone's physical health. We didn't have anyone who was at high risk in the house and the Grandparents are in the Mid West and on the West Coast so we were not seeing them so it was the right call for us. I get that people were in a different place.

That's fine for a 2nd grader with established friendships and several years of social skills honed in school pre-Covid. Totally different deal for kids who were toddlers or preschoolers when Covid hit. For kids in that age group, I think a sibling really helped during Covid. And this is also the group for whom the near-universal masking at daycares, preschools, and even on playgrounds for much of the pandemic really raises some questions for me.

I think older onlies probably aren't as impacted by the pandemic unless they moved schools or something mid-pandemic. Their social skills are there and they just need opportunities to be around other kids (which, yes, depends on a parents' choices). But for little kids, even if you made the "best" choices, sometimes it was still very limiting.

[Anonymous]

More mature in some ways (usually conversation and interests) and less mature in others (social skills, independence). I find parents cater to their only child and are less likely to teach them life skills or let them be independent from parents with things like walking to school, managing homework.

I find my kids only children friends to have some irritating traits honestly, same with adult friends with a few exceptions (like my friend who had a hippie mom and grew up commune style). “World revolves around me” is a real thing not just a myth

[Anonymous]

Adding to this, what I’ve observed:

-a bit of a lack of flexibility, issues when things go outside their routine. Compromise is harder. Even the kids who want to be more flexible, it’s harder for them. Conversely, I find only children less combative. They fight less with friends. They are less likely to fight, more likely to retreat.
-gravitates towards adults. I always know when only kids are over playing, bc they will come talk to me, seeking me out. This used to irritate me when I would be working or something. In the classroom they are more likely to talk to the teacher than peers. None of this is bad, just something I’ve noticed.
-more homebodies, although obviously that also is personality
-myopic view of the world, a little naive

[Anonymous]

I've noticed the opposite. The only next door is quite savvy for an 8 year old. A calming presence when my kids are fighting and arguing. She is fun to talk to and my kids, one who is the same age, really respect her and see her as the leader. Her parents travel a lot and she is exposed to a lot of situations and ideas.

[Anonymous]

It just depends OP, I've known very mature only children and very immature only children.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the parents. I have a friend with an only who spoils him to death and he is the opposite of mature. I actually dread being around him. He's so incompetent.

Another friend has an only and she's very go with the flow because she's always dragged to adult events. She has no cousins her age and family events are her and a bunch of adults. So she's fine with adults because she's used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More mature in some ways (usually conversation and interests) and less mature in others (social skills, independence). I find parents cater to their only child and are less likely to teach them life skills or let them be independent from parents with things like walking to school, managing homework.

I find my kids only children friends to have some irritating traits honestly, same with adult friends with a few exceptions (like my friend who had a hippie mom and grew up commune style). “World revolves around me” is a real thing not just a myth

And your kids certainly have some irritating traits, too. What's your point? (Don't even try to tell me you never realized your children can be irritating to others too).

[Anonymous]

My only is a little old man, too. Socially he gets along well, but has zero interest in or appetite for drama. When his friends start fighting about dumb stuff he just rolls his eyes and walks away. It may be because he has grown up in a very calm, zero-drama environment. He just doesn’t get why some kids engage that way.

Of course, the truth is that he has been incredibly laid-back since the moment he got here, so it’s entirely possible that he would have been exactly the same if he’d had siblings to fight with! But he does seem like the opposite of the kid who has to fight siblings for every scrap. He shares easily, because he’s always had plenty. At one point I had to tell him to cool it with giving away his toys because it was getting weird with his friends’ moms…

[Anonymous]

As an Only I discovered around late middle school what it was socially that made me different. I couldn’t stand the pettiness that my peers exhibited often and general need folks had to compete or trying to one up others over nothing. Having multiples kids now I see thos exact same thing and it drives me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they are more mature when younger and more independent. When they are teens they tend to be very awkward and a bit annoying to other kids. They don't seem to grasp social dynamics as well. It can be that way into college but then they seem to even out a bit. I have teens/college now and 9 times out of 10 I can tell an only on first interaction. [/quote]

Which is fine because 9 times out of 10 I can tell if a kid grew up extremely privileged. Or if a child grew up with a dysfunctional family. Or if they grew up in an evangelical home. Or whatever.

The problem with this question is that many posters with multiple kids are ignoring all the ways in which their parenting style and home life are shaping their own kids.

It's not as though the very key to having a successful child is to provide them siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they are more mature when younger and more independent. When they are teens they tend to be very awkward and a bit annoying to other kids. They don't seem to grasp social dynamics as well. It can be that way into college but then they seem to even out a bit. I have teens/college now and 9 times out of 10 I can tell an only on first interaction.

Which is fine because 9 times out of 10 I can tell if a kid grew up extremely privileged. Or if a child grew up with a dysfunctional family. Or if they grew up in an evangelical home. Or whatever.

The problem with this question is that many posters with multiple kids are ignoring all the ways in which their parenting style and home life are shaping their own kids.

It's not as though the very key to having a successful child is to provide them siblings.

+1

And really the part that matters most is giving your kid a function family and having functional, healthy relationships with them. I grew up with siblings in a family with a ton of dysfunction, and the all that means is that I have difficult relationships with my parents AND my adult siblings now. I am the third and I've often wondered if my family would have been better off if my parents had stopped after two, not because I'm a burden or there is anything wrong with me (I am glad I exist) but because my parents were in waaaaay over their heads and I sometimes think that with more financial resources and time they might have been able to figure it out and provide my older siblings with a healthier upbringing.

I've always had TONS of peer conflict, despite having multiple siblings. My parents did not facilitate good relationships (they would often pit us against each other by being withholding and judgmental and constantly comparing us to one another). If you are bad parents, having more kids is not going to make up for that! It will just make it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an Only I discovered around late middle school what it was socially that made me different. I couldn’t stand the pettiness that my peers exhibited often and general need folks had to compete or trying to one up others over nothing. Having multiples kids now I see thos exact same thing and it drives me crazy.

100% this.
I am also an only and have 2 kids. My niece is an only. I totally see this dynamic with my kids while my niece is just so “chill”.
I can’t know for sure if this is dependent on having siblings because I do know a kid with siblings that is also very laid back and doesn’t have the need to compete or one up anyone.

[Anonymous]

IME, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they are more independent and also tend to have more advanced communication skills. They also seem to have more confidence on average, probably because they feel extremely secure in their parents love. However, they can also struggle more with peer conflict because they don’t get any practice with siblings.

Yes this describes me to a tee (I am a 35yo only child) and it also describes DD who was an only until age 4.5. She just got a younger brother, so we’ll see if that changes her.