Would I be wrong to not include my mom in my child’s first birthday party?

[Anonymous]

You warn your parents that now you have a child and plan to include them in your child's life, this comes with a condition: that they stay courteous to one another, because it's too much of an imposition to organize separate parties. If they don't behave, NEITHER gets invited next time.

[Anonymous]

My DH's parents had an ugly divorce when he was a kid and literally had only been in the same room together for graduations and weddings, and it was always stressful.

Along come the grandkids....
We invited both to the 1st birthday and hoped for the best. They were both smitten enough with baby that they behaved. They now are on civil speaking terms, and there's really no stress at all when they are both together for grandkid related things.

Invite them both, set expectations with both, and hope that an adorable baby makes them behave.

[Anonymous]

Two parties: one with dad and his family and one with mom and brother and whoever else is “her” side you wanted to invite and DH’s parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Meh. OP can call her step-mom whatever she wants. You don't get to dictate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

I agree, but it's been like this for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my mom is the main aggressor that's why I wanted to do something separate with her.

What consequences have you really imposed? Have you told anyone they couldn’t attend something or do you keep doing double celebrations?

You can make this as hard or as easy on yourself as you want. Set the rules and consequences or navigate this for the rest of your life.

+1 Setting boundaries is hard and uncomfortable. Suck it up. Your mother behaves the way she does with you because you allow it. Get used to dealing with tantrums because your DC will be throwing some in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You warn your parents that now you have a child and plan to include them in your child's life, this comes with a condition: that they stay courteous to one another, because it's too much of an imposition to organize separate parties. If they don't behave, NEITHER gets invited next time.

This. Now's the time to set the new standard moving forward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

I agree, but it's been like this for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my mom is the main aggressor that's why I wanted to do something separate with her.

Do it separate. And yes it will be 18+ yrs of this. Unless you want to throw 2-3 parties for every milestone and occasion, you just need to rotate. I have a similar situation and everyone coming together just doesn’t work. Even if there is no obvious fighting, the mood is cool and uncomfortable for all, me included. It is just so awkward

[Anonymous]

Invite her. What happened between your Mom and Dad is between those two. If either of them start any drama, they both leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Meh. OP can call her step-mom whatever she wants. You don't get to dictate that.

I actually love bonus mom! But I’m much closer to my step mom than actual mom. Sounds like your ex
Remarried and the thought of your babies considering his new wife a “bonus” is too much for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite her. What happened between your Mom and Dad is between those two. If either of them start any drama, they both leave.

But what if having them both their together stresses out OP and makes her in uncomfortable? She shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable and stressed about family on her son’s first birthday. It would be probably different if this were a large party with lots of
People to break the ice and mingle with. But if it is just going to be immediate family plus the parents- who hate each other, that sounds rather uncomfortable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Yeah, I’m a stepmom and I would feel so awful for my SD’s mom is she called me “bonus mom”. Especially if my DH had cheated on her mom and broken her heart. I can’t think of anything worse than my husband betraying my trust and live and then all of a sudden my child embracing a “bonus mom” who she enjoys more than my heartbroken self.

I think it’s truly cruel to call someone a “bonus mom” when your actual mom is still around and is heartbroken about the fracturing of your family. By making things more positive toward your stepmom, you are making it worse at the expense of your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Yeah, I’m a stepmom and I would feel so awful for my SD’s mom is she called me “bonus mom”. Especially if my DH had cheated on her mom and broken her heart. I can’t think of anything worse than my husband betraying my trust and live and then all of a sudden my child embracing a “bonus mom” who she enjoys more than my heartbroken self.

I think it’s truly cruel to call someone a “bonus mom” when your actual mom is still around and is heartbroken about the fracturing of your family. By making things more positive toward your stepmom, you are making it worse at the expense of your mom.

No. OP is allowed to have a good relationship with her step mom and consider her a second mother without feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Yeah, I’m a stepmom and I would feel so awful for my SD’s mom is she called me “bonus mom”. Especially if my DH had cheated on her mom and broken her heart. I can’t think of anything worse than my husband betraying my trust and live and then all of a sudden my child embracing a “bonus mom” who she enjoys more than my heartbroken self.

I think it’s truly cruel to call someone a “bonus mom” when your actual mom is still around and is heartbroken about the fracturing of your family. By making things more positive toward your stepmom, you are making it worse at the expense of your mom.

OP here, my cheated but it wasn’t with my stepmom (is that better?). They met a few years after my parent’s divorce. She was there for me at a time when my mom couldn’t be emotionally. So I don’t call her my bonus mom to hurt my mom, I call her that because she is like a second mom. Her words to me were, “the only steps in this house are the ones you walk on.” I don’t understand why you’re so bothered by the term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Yeah, I’m a stepmom and I would feel so awful for my SD’s mom is she called me “bonus mom”. Especially if my DH had cheated on her mom and broken her heart. I can’t think of anything worse than my husband betraying my trust and live and then all of a sudden my child embracing a “bonus mom” who she enjoys more than my heartbroken self.

I think it’s truly cruel to call someone a “bonus mom” when your actual mom is still around and is heartbroken about the fracturing of your family. By making things more positive toward your stepmom, you are making it worse at the expense of your mom.

OP here, my cheated but it wasn’t with my stepmom (is that better?). They met a few years after my parent’s divorce. She was there for me at a time when my mom couldn’t be emotionally. So I don’t call her my bonus mom to hurt my mom, I call her that because she is like a second mom. Her words to me were, “the only steps in this house are the ones you walk on.” I don’t understand why you’re so bothered by the term.

She is probably a bitter cheated on woman. OP it is lovely you consider tour stepmom a bonus mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

This. It’s the facts of the new reality.

I'd go one step further, and tell them that whoever misbehaves doesn't get invited to future events. They may get invited to other, separate events, but when a main event takes place-- they're off the guest list. This would encompass birthday parties, holiday celebrations on the day of the holiday, graduations, bar/bat mitzvahs or baptisms, weddings, etc.