Would I be wrong to not include my mom in my child’s first birthday party?

[Anonymous]

My parents got divorced when I was younger and the two of them haven’t gotten along since. I have a son that’s turning one in April and DH and I are planning to throw him a party at our house. It will be small, just my dad, my bonus mom, brother, aunt, and DH’s parents. I thought about maybe having a small dinner on another night and include my mom so that she and my dad don’t have to interact. Other events I’ve had in the past, there’s always some drama with my mom and dad plus my dad’s family because they don’t get along with my mom either. I feel bad by leaving her out of the main party, but I figured a smaller gathering with just her would be easier on all of us and can avoid the unnecessary tension and drama. Would I be wrong to do this?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this sucks.

[Anonymous]

I’d invite her. Your child is turning one so it’s not going to impact him. Give her a chance. Also think about how you would feel if your child didn’t invite you to your grandchild’s first bday. Believe me, I understand history and all the behavior patterns and how much it can negatively impact things. Try to give some grace this time and reassess in the future if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d invite her. Your child is turning one so it’s not going to impact him. Give her a chance. Also think about how you would feel if your child didn’t invite you to your grandchild’s first bday. Believe me, I understand history and all the behavior patterns and how much it can negatively impact things. Try to give some grace this time and reassess in the future if necessary.

Trust me, this isn’t something I want to do to her. I would feel horrible if I were in her shoes. But I do fear a fight could break out. It’s happened before unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I would do a separate event with her. My kid had 3 events some years. She doesn’t care and everyone feels they celebrated. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Tell her about the first party and that your Dad and Bonus Mom/Aunt will be there. (I assume aunt is your dad’s sister?) Tell her if she thinks that will be too hard then she could also attend the lunch that you’ll be having for those who can’t make the first party. Maybe your brother would be open to doing both?

[Anonymous]

This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents got divorced when I was younger and the two of them haven’t gotten along since. I have a son that’s turning one in April and DH and I are planning to throw him a party at our house. It will be small, just my dad, my bonus mom, brother, aunt, and DH’s parents. I thought about maybe having a small dinner on another night and include my mom so that she and my dad don’t have to interact. Other events I’ve had in the past, there’s always some drama with my mom and dad plus my dad’s family because they don’t get along with my mom either. I feel bad by leaving her out of the main party, but I figured a smaller gathering with just her would be easier on all of us and can avoid the unnecessary tension and drama. Would I be wrong to do this?

You know it is going to hurt your mom if you invite the "bonus" mom and not your real mom! Can you talk to your Dad and get him to be civil? Can you talk to your mom and ask her to ignore the things that annoy her? I'm sorry you are stuck in the middle but, don't exclude your mom!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

This. It’s the facts of the new reality.

[Anonymous]

I’d do a separate party. Invite your mom to the first one.

[Anonymous]

Just don't tell her there's another party and invite her for a birthday dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

This. It’s the facts of the new reality.

+1. Just invite her. This year, this is their problem, not yours. It's up to them to be adults and behave.

If they screw it up, then ongoing you can tell them what pp suggests. But I would invite everyone this time and see if they can handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

This! What if your kid is in a school play or a soccer game? You cant always do two of everything so they need to learn now how to get along or they don't get to come. That includes.your aunt and bonus mom because it's not fair if your mom is ganged up on.

[Anonymous]

Why are you inviting your dad instead of your mom? Perhaps neither then to be fair. Or, do you have closer relationship with your dad? It sounds like that.

If you were to share your concerns with your mom in that you understand she is hurt, angry, whatever at your dad but this is your ds birthday and you’d like both there - is she comfortable with that and can agree to attend bit not engage. Do you think she would give you an honest answer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her about the first party and that your Dad and Bonus Mom/Aunt will be there. (I assume aunt is your dad’s sister?) Tell her if she thinks that will be too hard then she could also attend the lunch that you’ll be having for those who can’t make the first party. Maybe your brother would be open to doing both?

He's my half brother (dad and bonus mom's son) so that wouldn't happen. He's not a fan of my mom.