would you become a DC foster parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There doesn't seem to be any incentive for anyone to help these kids out.

What kind of incentive could there be? It would be service, altruism, true unselfish giving, and maybe for people who can do that, it's its own reward?

The incentive could be that if the family and the kid click, then adoption could be an incentive but it isn't because the goal is reunification. So honestly, there is no incentive to foster a child from the system. It's noble but without incentives (not talking about money), no one is going to sign up and foster.

I guess I just found it jarring that you would say, essentially, "why would someone help an unfortunate child, unless they will get what they want out of it?"

Like, why have a relationship unless it leads to exactly what you want. Why do anything at all unless it benefits you. Why help anyone at all.

This is why adoption is not noble, it's just people getting what they want. Maybe I am glad that fostering in DC is not a good path for you.

You make it sound like anyone who chooses to have kids does so out of the goodness of their heart. I have news for you. Everything in life is a transaction, like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

Thank you for posting all these resources! I would also throw out BEST kids, which is a mentoring program for kids in foster care that looks for longer term commitment from mentors. Working with them definitely made me reassess my ability to be an effective foster parent to a teen. (For me, not yet but hopefully someday.)

I would like to get involved as a mentor but I'm not sure if there are any foster kids out there who are interested in going to college?

DC Foster Mom here and…WHAT! Because a child’s home has been disrupted for any number of reasons you question if any foster kids are interested in going to college. Please stay away from our kids with your harmful biases and prejudices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we're pretty rigid. want to adopt.

i understand most kids are older

DC foster parent here, if you are rigid you absolutely should NOT be a foster parent, in DC or anywhere. Being a foster parent takes a patience, love and commitment. Sometimes at superhuman level. Foster care is not the place to check a box and fill in your family, period. DCFS does not practice foster to adopt, as has been said by others. So no, you should not become a foster parent if you goal is adoption. DCFS will tell you they are not an adoption agency, their goal is family reunification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There doesn't seem to be any incentive for anyone to help these kids out.

What kind of incentive could there be? It would be service, altruism, true unselfish giving, and maybe for people who can do that, it's its own reward?

The incentive could be that if the family and the kid click, then adoption could be an incentive but it isn't because the goal is reunification. So honestly, there is no incentive to foster a child from the system. It's noble but without incentives (not talking about money), no one is going to sign up and foster.

I guess I just found it jarring that you would say, essentially, "why would someone help an unfortunate child, unless they will get what they want out of it?"

Like, why have a relationship unless it leads to exactly what you want. Why do anything at all unless it benefits you. Why help anyone at all.

This is why adoption is not noble, it's just people getting what they want. Maybe I am glad that fostering in DC is not a good path for you.

You make it sound like anyone who chooses to have kids does so out of the goodness of their heart. I have news for you. Everything in life is a transaction, like it or not.

Wow, let me know how it works out for you to purchase family members and engage in transactions with one another.

[Anonymous]

We found it easy to do foster-to-adopt of young healthy kids in Connecticut. Forget the crappy DC foster system. Start researching to get going on your adoptions outside of this godforsaken area. Foster children in DC are doomed due to the "system."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

Wow so because you had a bad experience.. other people shouldn’t do it?? Smh.

This country is in desperate need of foster care parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

Wow so because you had a bad experience.. other people shouldn’t do it?? Smh.

This country is in desperate need of foster care parents.

No, I had a bad experience because I am pretty rigid, and OP said they are rigid too. This country is in desperate need of foster parents who can be flexible enough to meet the needs of traumatized children. There is no need for foster parents who will harm kids further and then ask for the child to be removed.