would you become a DC foster parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we're pretty rigid. want to adopt.

i understand most kids are older

Rigid? No, you should not.

Beyond that, foster parenting isn't a solution to your lack of children. It's a solution to children's temporary need for adults to care for them. Sometimes, sadly, that need stops being temporary and it leads to adoption (the adoption isn't the sad part), but you don't go into it hoping for that outcome.

An experienced foster/adoptive parent once told me that if you need to think of it like your sister is very sick, you'll keep your kids while she you to, and will keep them forever in the worst case scenario, but you're not hoping she won't get better. If you can't go into it with that mindset, then this isn't the right time.

[Anonymous]

There doesn't seem to be any incentive for anyone to help these kids out.

[Anonymous]

No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

This is really, really good advice. Dealing with older children (ages 6+ from a high poverty/trauma background is NOT easy. These recommendations regarding short term volunteer activities are a great way to figure out whether fostering 24/7 is something you are cut out for. And kids in crisis need those temporary folks too. Every bit of nurturing and kindness helps---especially for the kids who are the hardest to love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There doesn't seem to be any incentive for anyone to help these kids out.

What kind of incentive could there be? It would be service, altruism, true unselfish giving, and maybe for people who can do that, it's its own reward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

Thank you for posting all these resources! I would also throw out BEST kids, which is a mentoring program for kids in foster care that looks for longer term commitment from mentors. Working with them definitely made me reassess my ability to be an effective foster parent to a teen. (For me, not yet but hopefully someday.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

Thank you for posting all these resources! I would also throw out BEST kids, which is a mentoring program for kids in foster care that looks for longer term commitment from mentors. Working with them definitely made me reassess my ability to be an effective foster parent to a teen. (For me, not yet but hopefully someday.)

I would like to get involved as a mentor but I'm not sure if there are any foster kids out there who are interested in going to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There doesn't seem to be any incentive for anyone to help these kids out.

What kind of incentive could there be? It would be service, altruism, true unselfish giving, and maybe for people who can do that, it's its own reward?

The incentive could be that if the family and the kid click, then adoption could be an incentive but it isn't because the goal is reunification. So honestly, there is no incentive to foster a child from the system. It's noble but without incentives (not talking about money), no one is going to sign up and foster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There doesn't seem to be any incentive for anyone to help these kids out.

What kind of incentive could there be? It would be service, altruism, true unselfish giving, and maybe for people who can do that, it's its own reward?

The incentive could be that if the family and the kid click, then adoption could be an incentive but it isn't because the goal is reunification. So honestly, there is no incentive to foster a child from the system. It's noble but without incentives (not talking about money), no one is going to sign up and foster.

Well, people still do sign up even if there's no hope of adoption. I think they do it because they'd like to help a young person in need, and perhaps become a special loved person in that person's life.

[Anonymous]

I did foster to adopt but NOT in DC. I adopted both my kids, perfectly healthy, under age 2. Lots and lots of lots of folks do. But NOT in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There doesn't seem to be any incentive for anyone to help these kids out.

What kind of incentive could there be? It would be service, altruism, true unselfish giving, and maybe for people who can do that, it's its own reward?

The incentive could be that if the family and the kid click, then adoption could be an incentive but it isn't because the goal is reunification. So honestly, there is no incentive to foster a child from the system. It's noble but without incentives (not talking about money), no one is going to sign up and foster.

I guess I just found it jarring that you would say, essentially, "why would someone help an unfortunate child, unless they will get what they want out of it?"

Like, why have a relationship unless it leads to exactly what you want. Why do anything at all unless it benefits you. Why help anyone at all.

This is why adoption is not noble, it's just people getting what they want. Maybe I am glad that fostering in DC is not a good path for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

Thank you for posting all these resources! I would also throw out BEST kids, which is a mentoring program for kids in foster care that looks for longer term commitment from mentors. Working with them definitely made me reassess my ability to be an effective foster parent to a teen. (For me, not yet but hopefully someday.)

I would like to get involved as a mentor but I'm not sure if there are any foster kids out there who are interested in going to college?

a) yes there are
b) college is not the only path to a fulfilling life, and does not need to be done right out of high school/at age 18
c) part of being a mentor is helping a kid see lots of different opportunities and figure out what interests them, what is attainable, how to balance wants v. needs, short vs. long-term goals, and the like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did foster to adopt but NOT in DC. I adopted both my kids, perfectly healthy, under age 2. Lots and lots of lots of folks do. But NOT in the DC area.

Pretty much. We had to move here for my dhs job, so gave up in the hope of adopting from foster care, the only affordable way for us to adopt. Maybe when we move elsewhere...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

This post should be required reading by anyone who is thinking about fostering.

[Anonymous]

We moved to Texas after some time in DC and it was pretty easy to adopt from the foster care system . We adopted our singleton son and then two sisters. It did not cost us anything. We fostered for a few months and soon the kids were released for adoption. There was not much of a transition time -- they already considered us mom and dad.

I suggest leaving DC if you want to foster that leads to adoption.

[Anonymous]

I have friends who adopted from foster care fairly easily from Texas, Florida, Maine, Hawaii and Utah. Time to do your research and get the heck out of DC.