would you become a DC foster parent

[Anonymous]

we're pretty rigid. want to adopt.

i understand most kids are older

[Anonymous]

Your first 6 words eliminate you for desirability as a foster parent. Please don't.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by rigid? If you mean you are inflexible people who are not going to accept a child where they are at and roll with the many punches, not a good quality for a foster parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we're pretty rigid. want to adopt.

i understand most kids are older

What an odd lead-in. Care to elaborate?

[Anonymous]

Rigid and foster should not be used in the same sentence.

[Anonymous]

If you really want to adopt this is not a great option. DC is very focused on reuniting kids with parents or family members at all costs. You will be an absolute last resort no matter how great a parent you would be to that child.

[Anonymous]

Nope, because I know I wouldn't be flexible and forgiving enough. Nor would I be able to give enough time.

[Anonymous]

I have friends who did, multiple times.

They wouldn't change a thing, but it is not without challenges.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't - I couldn't give the child back.

[Anonymous]

You can't be rigid. You can't foster to try to adopt in DC, because that's not how our system works. So you are not a good candidate, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really want to adopt this is not a great option. DC is very focused on reuniting kids with parents or family members at all costs. You will be an absolute last resort no matter how great a parent you would be to that child.

+1
My coworker’s foster kids had to be carried out of her house kicking and screaming because an aunt insisted they go to her. It was very sad.

[Anonymous]

Rigid in what ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't be rigid. You can't foster to try to adopt in DC, because that's not how our system works. So you are not a good candidate, sorry.

OP here. this plus 1

[Anonymous]

No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I learned this the hard way. I am type A, prone to anxiety, wanted to foster (we did not do this through DC CFSA though I don't think it would be terribly different based on what I heard from others who did).

It was terrible. I was good at the paperwork and systems stuff. I was fine at meeting the kid's basic needs and even doing fun activities. I could not handle the kid's frequent meltdowns in a way that effectively de-escalated them, and I got frustrated by the lack of support we were given. We--like several foster families before us--asked for the placement to be disrupted. The kid did much better in a therapeutic residential program and ultimately reunited with biological family.

I think the best foster parents are able to be very laid back with kids and roll with the punches--obviously you have to get the kids to appointments and court dates and the like, but if you're not too phased when a kid can't get it together to go to school or runs away or punches a hole in your wall, it's going to be a lot easier for everyone.

There are also huge class issues: I was raised middle class and just about every kid in foster care was raised in poverty (which is a whole other systemic issue but one you'll have to cope with). If you are white that is an additional yawning gap to overcome if a child of color is placed with you (and in DC, you will not be matched with a white kid).

OP, if you want to be involved in the foster care system, contact FAPAC and see if there are families who need respite or babysitting. Or do DCFYI activities and see if there's a teen there you'd like to mentor/weekend host. Or DC127 pairs teams of people up with families going through hard times to hopefully keep them out of the foster system (it's a Christian organization but you don't have to be Christian to volunteer). Homeless Children's Playtime Project also needs volunteers and it's a good opportunity to interact with kids and learn how to be less rigid with them--with the benefit of watching how different adults interact with them too. Or you could be a CASA, which is a great way to see how the DC foster care system works. I've done several of these through the years and they turned out to be a better fit than fostering for me. You may decide after volunteering that you can foster, and that could turn out great. But fostering a kid whose case goal is reunification is NOT something you should do in hopes it turns into adoption, and fostering a child whose case goal is adoption means bringing a kid who's been through a LOT of trauma into your home. Just because social workers and judges decided a kid should be adopted does not mean the kid will be eager to have a "new family" or ever recognize you as a parent versus a caretaker. Some people can handle that and are happy to play that role for a kid who needs it, and I am so grateful to folks who are good foster parents. But I was not good at it and based on what you're saying, OP, you would not be good at it either. So spare yourself and your spouse and a kid and find a different way to help.

so helpful