Valuable sentimental jewelry item missing from care home after parent's death; what to do?

[Anonymous]

I visited my grandmother in one of her many nursing homes at Christmastime. I gave her a photo of my sister and me in a $5 frame I got at CVS. The next day, I went to visit again and the photo was leaning up against a lamp - the $5 frame was gone.

My mother had given grandma (her mother) a lot of things -- bathrobes, slippers, a hand mirror -- and all of it was always gone the next time she visited.

I think some of it is other residents, but I think the majority of the thieves are staff.

Never leave anything with someone in a care home unless you can live without it.

Sorry, OP. The watch is long gone. Time to focus on memories and move on.

[Anonymous]

The ordinary “old guy” clothes I bought for my father were stolen from the nursing home laundry before he ever wore them a single time. Nursing home response? A shrug.

My mother had a silver religious medal she wore for most of her life. I had to take it from her when she went into nursing care. I gave her something religiously equivalent but of no value. I’m glad I did.

There are awful, sometimes desperate and damaged people in the world and some of them work in care facilities. Especially when a partner is a distance away it is hard to keep up with things. I tend to agree with the PP who suggested trying to let this go. Mementoes are nice but they’re not your memories, which no one can steal. Give it a reasonable recovery effort but be willing to move on.

[Anonymous]

You guys realize this post is 18 months old right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys realize this post is 18 months old right?

Yes, but they want to complain.

At least this way the complaints are consolidated

[Anonymous]

I cared for my mother, but it was my sister who visited once a year made me turn over the room looking for some jewelry - is this you?
Just please stop and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report it to the management AND you should contact the corporate office to document the issue.

She does not even know where the watch was lost/stolen, what are the police/management supposed to do?

OP, it sounds like you are the throws of grief and have understandably latched on to this. I am so sorry this happened to you but there is really nothing you can do about it now. I would try to find a good grief counselor to help you process all of this.

Sigh. I tried not to correct it the first time, but it continues. “Throes” of grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom’s diamond necklace and credit cards were stolen after an in-home aide stayed with her. Disgusting that these people steal from vulnerable elderly.

It is a shame, but these aides make peanuts and have to do things nobody else wants to do.

[Anonymous]

People are dumb for leaving anything of value, even nicer clothes, at an AL place. It will get stolen.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are in our late 50s and just started renovating a condo where we will downsize in a few years. Have already told him that we need to install a couple of lock boxes for sterling silver pieces as well as for jewelry important documents. We will integrate them into the built ins.

Would love suggestions for anyone who has done this or their elders - both the hardware as well as what to consider when doing so, e.g.., is it possible to do so in a way where our kids would get an alert any time the lock boxes are open?

TIA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom’s diamond necklace and credit cards were stolen after an in-home aide stayed with her. Disgusting that these people steal from vulnerable elderly.

It is a shame, but these aides make peanuts and have to do things nobody else wants to do.

This. Very hard to find people willing to do the miserable tasks these people have to do. Lawyers and accountants often have a field day with the elderly too and their offspring once the person dies and there is no excuse of poverty and having to help someone use the toilet while they cuss you out.

[Anonymous]

Let it go it’s gone forever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never take anything of value to assisted living facility. Ever. It will get taken sooner or later.

Or if there is a home care aide however “trusted”. They steal things all the time. Also cash that’s hidden and then forgotten. I know one lady who I think is honest but who knows?

[Anonymous]

Wow, 18 month old post or not, this is obviously a relevant issue if people are reading and replying. Obviously, they must care about the topic. Yes, it's a tough job. There are many tough jobs out there. Performing a tough job s no excuse to take items one shouldnt or to treat someone poorly. Ask for a raise or get a new job. Stealing from or being mean to the elderly is inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, 18 month old post or not, this is obviously a relevant issue if people are reading and replying. Obviously, they must care about the topic. Yes, it's a tough job. There are many tough jobs out there. Performing a tough job s no excuse to take items one shouldnt or to treat someone poorly. Ask for a raise or get a new job. Stealing from or being mean to the elderly is inexcusable.

It's not just about it being tough. These are incredibly low wage jobs with few benefits that people take who don't have college degrees, sometimes not high school. These are not people who can easily pick up and find a new job or expect to keep that job if they insist on a raise. Sometimes families, workplaces and elders are downright abusive to them. Nobody is justifying stealing, but your privilege is out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother recently passed away in another part of the country. She had a lovely old gold watch, which is the physical object I most associate with her because she always wore it and looked at it, never wanting to be late for anything, and I was hoping to pass it on as an heirloom. When I was given her boxes of remaining belongings to sort through -- just a few boxes, because everything had been downsized during moves -- there was a cheap gold-plated watch there instead, which I had never seen before, having sorted through and organized all of her possessions last year. I was shocked. I told the group care home owner that that is not her watch, and she said that's what my mother arrived there with a few months ago. This may or may not be true. I have no way of knowing exactly where her real watch was swapped with this one, because she had lived in three places since I last saw her in person last year, wearing her real watch -- a large assisted living facility where she had lived for years, a small group care home where she spent just a few weeks, and this second small group care home where she lived until her passing.

I was not present for those two moves, which happened on very short notice, due to deteriorated health because of a UTI. I paid her geriatric care manager to move her from the assisted living facility into group care home #1. My mother already had some baseline dementia as well as the UTI, but she was "with it" enough to email with me on the day of the move, and to show the geriatric care manager which things to pack and which things she didn't want. So I doubt she would not have noticed her beloved watch missing, or not noticed if someone had substituted a different watch for hers before that move.

Group care home #1, where she lived for only a few weeks, sent me a list of personal belongings that had arrived with my mother. The watch and some other things (like my mother's computer) were not mentioned on that list, but I had written back mentioning the omissions, and even specifying the watch brand, and was assured by email that these other items were also in fact all there and accounted for. That home -- which was chosen because they had cared for another relative in previous years -- turned out to be a big disappointment (they put her in a cramped room that still had a dead person's belongings in it, lied about the level of care she would receive at night, etc.). So I worked with a placement agency and found a second family-run small group care home to move her to.

For that second move, the new care home manager and the placement agency person went and moved my mother and her things. I had given them a complete list of personal belongings that should be brought over with my mother, including the watch (again specifying the brand). The placement agency person told me they got everything, but it's possible that they didn't check the watch brand during that rushed emergency move. And my mother's mild dementia was temporarily much worse while residing at that home, because of the UTI, so she may not have noticed the watch being swapped out while she was there.

Group care home #2 never sent me an official list of personal items in their possession. They seem like much more upstanding people than the owners of group care home #1, but who really knows. I tried calling group care home #1 to ask about the watch, but the owner is not answering my calls now. I don't have any photos of my mother wearing her real watch at either small group care home (she is without her watch in one photo, which is very unusual for her, and her wrist can't be seen in another photo).

I called a pawn shop that's near the group care homes, to ask if this type of watch had been brought in in the past several months. The owner said no, he would remember something like that, and recommended that I file a police report because this is grand theft. However he also said that most likely the watch would be sold through social media (FB Marketplace or EBay) because people don't have to prove ownership on those platforms, and it may therefore be unrecoverable unless someone tries to sell it through a shop at some point.

Anyone been in this kind of situation or have any advice? This has really upset me. It's not about whatever amount of money that the watch is worth, because I would never sell it. It was the one thing I really wanted to hang onto of my mother's. Also I am just so disappointed that someone caring for my mother would stoop to this level.

One of my mom's caregivers stole her engagement and wedding rings. She had recently been in the hospital and they removed all her jewelry. One of my siblings put her rings in her dresser when she moved back home. She had some swelling in her hands and wasn't able to wear the rings for a few days. When the swelling went down my sibling went to put her rings back on and they were gone. One of her caregivers got a new phone right around this time so we're pretty sure she pawned the rings. There was no way to prove it, however, so we just fired the caregiver. My mom was really sad about it. We did get another wedding ring for her, but didn't replace the engagement ring. It was a harsh and expensive lesson to learn. I really hope there's a place in hell for people who steal from vulnerable people like this!