Valuable sentimental jewelry item missing from care home after parent's death; what to do?

[Anonymous]

My mother recently passed away in another part of the country. She had a lovely old gold watch, which is the physical object I most associate with her because she always wore it and looked at it, never wanting to be late for anything, and I was hoping to pass it on as an heirloom. When I was given her boxes of remaining belongings to sort through -- just a few boxes, because everything had been downsized during moves -- there was a cheap gold-plated watch there instead, which I had never seen before, having sorted through and organized all of her possessions last year. I was shocked. I told the group care home owner that that is not her watch, and she said that's what my mother arrived there with a few months ago. This may or may not be true. I have no way of knowing exactly where her real watch was swapped with this one, because she had lived in three places since I last saw her in person last year, wearing her real watch -- a large assisted living facility where she had lived for years, a small group care home where she spent just a few weeks, and this second small group care home where she lived until her passing.

I was not present for those two moves, which happened on very short notice, due to deteriorated health because of a UTI. I paid her geriatric care manager to move her from the assisted living facility into group care home #1. My mother already had some baseline dementia as well as the UTI, but she was "with it" enough to email with me on the day of the move, and to show the geriatric care manager which things to pack and which things she didn't want. So I doubt she would not have noticed her beloved watch missing, or not noticed if someone had substituted a different watch for hers before that move.

Group care home #1, where she lived for only a few weeks, sent me a list of personal belongings that had arrived with my mother. The watch and some other things (like my mother's computer) were not mentioned on that list, but I had written back mentioning the omissions, and even specifying the watch brand, and was assured by email that these other items were also in fact all there and accounted for. That home -- which was chosen because they had cared for another relative in previous years -- turned out to be a big disappointment (they put her in a cramped room that still had a dead person's belongings in it, lied about the level of care she would receive at night, etc.). So I worked with a placement agency and found a second family-run small group care home to move her to.

For that second move, the new care home manager and the placement agency person went and moved my mother and her things. I had given them a complete list of personal belongings that should be brought over with my mother, including the watch (again specifying the brand). The placement agency person told me they got everything, but it's possible that they didn't check the watch brand during that rushed emergency move. And my mother's mild dementia was temporarily much worse while residing at that home, because of the UTI, so she may not have noticed the watch being swapped out while she was there.

Group care home #2 never sent me an official list of personal items in their possession. They seem like much more upstanding people than the owners of group care home #1, but who really knows. I tried calling group care home #1 to ask about the watch, but the owner is not answering my calls now. I don't have any photos of my mother wearing her real watch at either small group care home (she is without her watch in one photo, which is very unusual for her, and her wrist can't be seen in another photo).

I called a pawn shop that's near the group care homes, to ask if this type of watch had been brought in in the past several months. The owner said no, he would remember something like that, and recommended that I file a police report because this is grand theft. However he also said that most likely the watch would be sold through social media (FB Marketplace or EBay) because people don't have to prove ownership on those platforms, and it may therefore be unrecoverable unless someone tries to sell it through a shop at some point.

Anyone been in this kind of situation or have any advice? This has really upset me. It's not about whatever amount of money that the watch is worth, because I would never sell it. It was the one thing I really wanted to hang onto of my mother's. Also I am just so disappointed that someone caring for my mother would stoop to this level.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened and understand your upset at losing your mother's heirloom item.

Here's my advice: Let it go. It's gone forever.

You are in the throws of grief and it can manifest in many ways. Perhaps the watch is becoming a symbol for other things/aspects of your relationship with your mom.

Your mom, in a moment of generous gratefulness, may have given it to one of her caregivers at one of the three places she's been to in the last year. While it may not be exactly ethical, if she gifted it of her own free will then the caregiver would not be guilty of doing anything other than accepting a gift.

There is no point in filing police reports or trying to trace back where or how it went missing.

OP, the most important things in life aren't things. Keep fond memories of your mom as the most precious heirlooms you have.

[Anonymous]

You need to report it to the management AND you should contact the corporate office to document the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this happened and understand your upset at losing your mother's heirloom item.

Here's my advice: Let it go. It's gone forever.

You are in the throws of grief and it can manifest in many ways. Perhaps the watch is becoming a symbol for other things/aspects of your relationship with your mom.

Your mom, in a moment of generous gratefulness, may have given it to one of her caregivers at one of the three places she's been to in the last year. While it may not be exactly ethical, if she gifted it of her own free will then the caregiver would not be guilty of doing anything other than accepting a gift.

There is no point in filing police reports or trying to trace back where or how it went missing.

OP, the most important things in life aren't things. Keep fond memories of your mom as the most precious heirlooms you have.

This. Happens all the time and it rarely gets solved. This is why we all should do the Swedish death clean while still capable and give away these things to loved ones before they we need care and they are stolen. Plus, if she did give it as a gift to a caregiver, do you really want someone who gets paid so little to get into trouble. The work is grueling and giving good caregiving is priceless.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry this happened, OP, but I agree there’s little you can do at this point. We are in a similar situation w my mom - complete w mild dementia that goes haywire w/ UTIs - and we’re holding all of her valuables for just this reason. I know that doesn’t help but I think stealing and/or unintentionally gifting in this state of mind is common. Sending you peace as you grieve your mom.

[Anonymous]

You also have to make peace with the fact your mom made her choices. It's pretty common knowledge for anyone who has done the sandwich generation thing that stuff goes missing. If it didn't happen in your family you hear stories. She always had to choice of giving these things away sooner, but she chose not to. This was a risk she took. All you can hope for is she was of sound enough mind and she intentionally gave things to a truly loving caregiver and that person appreciates it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to report it to the management AND you should contact the corporate office to document the issue.

She does not even know where the watch was lost/stolen, what are the police/management supposed to do?

OP, it sounds like you are the throws of grief and have understandably latched on to this. I am so sorry this happened to you but there is really nothing you can do about it now. I would try to find a good grief counselor to help you process all of this.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you lost something that was so meaningful to you, but the reality is when you go into any type of care setting with something valuable (or not even valuable!) you run a very real risk that it will go missing. People's sweatpants and knickknacks go missing too--sometimes stolen by someone who should know better, sometimes legitimately lost in laundry or whatever, and sometimes taken by another patient with dementia or whatever. The best you can do is send someone to look behind drawers, under beds, talk to everyone at the homes in person etc and hope it turns up, but it's pretty unlikely to. The fact you didn't even know where it went missing means you don't really even know where to look. Lesson to the future--don't send anything you're not willing to lose into a group care situation.

I'm so sorry and I hope you make peace with it, or better yet that it turns up somehow. (And for the love of god, if it does, go fetch it in person instead of trusting the mail!)

[Anonymous]

It’s true that it’s very common for even non-valuable things to go missing. I remember one resident (where I worked) was very distraught because several pairs of socks were lost, possibly in the laundry but it was uncertain and she was very distraught because she was attached to them; she described them in detail. It also was very common for residents with dementia to take things from common areas and other residents’ rooms.

I’m so sorry, OP but I agree with others that it’s probably best to let it go. The most valuable things we have are our memories that we carry with us.

[Anonymous]

It’s a long shot but have you looked at pawn shops near where your mother was living? Many are posting what is currently offered for sale on line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a long shot but have you looked at pawn shops near where your mother was living? Many are posting what is currently offered for sale on line.

Op said this "I called a pawn shop that's near the group care homes, to ask if this type of watch had been brought in in the past several months. The owner said no, he would remember something like that, and recommended that I file a police report because this is grand theft. However he also said that most likely the watch would be sold through social media (FB Marketplace or EBay) because people don't have to prove ownership on those platforms, and it may therefore be unrecoverable unless someone tries to sell it through a shop at some point."

[Anonymous]

I am not sure how valuable this item is from a dollar amount but I would recommend you file a police report. You need to also send letter to the director of facility and the regional supervisor in addition to the corporate office. If you just complain to the facility it will not get addressed. If you raise this issue to multiple parties within the corporation, you will get their attention and they will have to respond. I would also let them know that you filed a police report.

Unfortunately, assisted living facilities and nursing homes have a lot of turnover and they employ staff that often times will take money or valuables b/c there is very little oversight. These facilities have employees that come and go from rooms all day long and it is VERY hard to catch someone slipping money or jewelry into their pocket or bag, etc.

Most of the staff at these places will not steal and are honest but the small percentage that does often gets away with a lot before they get caught. There are also other people who come into the facilities that are not regular staff but they come in for private care or to run tests or do repairs, etc. and they also have access to patient/resident rooms and are often not monitored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure how valuable this item is from a dollar amount but I would recommend you file a police report. You need to also send letter to the director of facility and the regional supervisor in addition to the corporate office. If you just complain to the facility it will not get addressed. If you raise this issue to multiple parties within the corporation, you will get their attention and they will have to respond. I would also let them know that you filed a police report.

Unfortunately, assisted living facilities and nursing homes have a lot of turnover and they employ staff that often times will take money or valuables b/c there is very little oversight. These facilities have employees that come and go from rooms all day long and it is VERY hard to catch someone slipping money or jewelry into their pocket or bag, etc.

Most of the staff at these places will not steal and are honest but the small percentage that does often gets away with a lot before they get caught. There are also other people who come into the facilities that are not regular staff but they come in for private care or to run tests or do repairs, etc. and they also have access to patient/resident rooms and are often not monitored.

Did you even read this post? The OP stated she had NO IDEA which of 3 different locations/care facilities it was nor when exactly it might have happened. Do you really think that the police are going to go do a shakedown at 3 different care facilities to look for a watch that went missing at an unknown time, at an unknown place, and there is no evidence an actual theft occurred? Even filing a report at this stage is nothing but a waste of police time and taxpayer money.

[Anonymous]

A home health care aide stole a very valuable as well as sentimental piece of jewelry from my mom before she died. We haven’t recovered it even though police believe they know who did it.

[Anonymous]

It's 'throes' not 'throws'.

OP, you can try to report the theft based on the emails you have 'confirming' that the watch was present, but most likely it is not recoverable. If you need to do so to help ease the grief, and probably guilt, you feel for it being gone, then do so.