Q re dorm etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is a freshman in college this year.

He has a nice roommate, but the roommate rarely leaves the room. Even for food, the roommate gets his meals to go at the dining hall, and takes it to the room to eat.

My son likes to get out and about a bit more, and to give his roommate some time to himself. And when my son talks on the phone, he walks into the staircase, so as not to disturb his roommate.

Here's a quick question -- my son has virtual tutoring 2x per week for 1 hour. During this time, it would be ideal if his roommate would leave the room. Is it rude for my son to ask his roommate to leave the room just during the virtual tutoring?

(I've heard of this issue coming up in terms of one roommate having a virtual therapy session, and the other roommate having the courtesy to leave the room during this time.)

If he asks the roommate to leave then he should compensate him. After all, your son is asking for the room to himself for his for-profit enterprise. I don't see why the roommate should have to leave so that your son can make money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, its rude to ask him to leave. Your son should secure a quiet spot in the library or another spot for his tutoring.

+1 I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is a freshman in college this year.

He has a nice roommate, but the roommate rarely leaves the room. Even for food, the roommate gets his meals to go at the dining hall, and takes it to the room to eat.

My son likes to get out and about a bit more, and to give his roommate some time to himself. And when my son talks on the phone, he walks into the staircase, so as not to disturb his roommate.

Here's a quick question -- my son has virtual tutoring 2x per week for 1 hour. During this time, it would be ideal if his roommate would leave the room. Is it rude for my son to ask his roommate to leave the room just during the virtual tutoring?

(I've heard of this issue coming up in terms of one roommate having a virtual therapy session, and the other roommate having the courtesy to leave the room during this time.)

If he asks the roommate to leave then he should compensate him. After all, your son is asking for the room to himself for his for-profit enterprise. I don't see why the roommate should have to leave so that your son can make money.

?? I think he's getting tutored, not providing tutoring. Just trying to focus during that time period. And he's asking him, not forcing him.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see why issue with asking, even just to say “hey I have tutoring once a week starting up soon, is there a good time I should shoot for where you might be out of the room, so I don’t disturb you?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son should ask and if the roommate says no your son should try to book a private room in a library.

+1
But make it a gentle ask, e.g., "I have tutoring at x time and find it hard to focus if I'm not on my own. Any way I could have the room to myself at this day/time? If not, I can probably work something out at the library."

Asking each other for private time in the room is not that unusual (my kid is an RA and they advise roommates and having designated times you leave the room is pretty normal to establish).

Exactly. I don't get why folks think this is such a big thing. Sounds like the kid never gets alone time in the room. This seems like a reasonable request.

It's a shared dorm room, there should be no expecation of "alone time." Many colleges have dorms with single rooms. OP's kid could have done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would look for a private study room to have the tutoring if he wants privacy.

+1 This is my thought as well. Dorm room is a shared space and while DC certainly has the right to ask it is a bit of an imposition.

But it also gives the other person space to ask for privacy too. This is SO common in schools--I can't believe there's anyone objecting or thinking it's an imposition. It's a basic thing roommates work out so they have some privacy sometimes.

Seriously. Part of living in the same room as someone is figuring out how to communicate and problem-solve. In absolutely no world is your son being rude by asking if it's possible for the roommate to leave. Of course it is well within the roommate's rights to say no but there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking.

If anything the roommate could be seen as being kind of rude/oblivious by being there all the time. Most kids pick up on the basic flow that you try and give your roommate some space, even without being directly asked.

The roommmate is in no way being "rude/oblivous" by being in the space that HE pays for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when your son brings a girl in the room? Or has this not been addressed yet?

Anyways, part of growing up is asking for what you want. Just tell him to ask and if the roommate says no, then either have him in the room or find another place to hold the session. It's a college...there are tons of places to conduct a tutoring session in the dorm or outside of it.

I'm not sure why OP, as a parent, is even involved in this. A freshman should already have the lifeskills to handle this small issue.

A lot of schools are still not allowing guests in the dorm rooms due to Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's inappropriate to even ask. Your kid can do the tutoring sessions while roommate is there, or find a private spot elsewhere.

Agree.

+1

It's not a work space as such - despite current issues with Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is a freshman in college this year.

He has a nice roommate, but the roommate rarely leaves the room. Even for food, the roommate gets his meals to go at the dining hall, and takes it to the room to eat.

My son likes to get out and about a bit more, and to give his roommate some time to himself. And when my son talks on the phone, he walks into the staircase, so as not to disturb his roommate.

Here's a quick question -- my son has virtual tutoring 2x per week for 1 hour. During this time, it would be ideal if his roommate would leave the room. Is it rude for my son to ask his roommate to leave the room just during the virtual tutoring?

(I've heard of this issue coming up in terms of one roommate having a virtual therapy session, and the other roommate having the courtesy to leave the room during this time.)

If he asks the roommate to leave then he should compensate him. After all, your son is asking for the room to himself for his for-profit enterprise. I don't see why the roommate should have to leave so that your son can make money.

OP here. My son is receiving the tutoring, not doing the tutoring. My DS literally is never in the room by himself, as his roommate only leaves the room to attend class or pick up his food. My DS tries to get out a bit more, to be a bit social and also to give his roommate some space. I'm encouraging my DS to invite his roommate to join him for meals in the dining hall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son should ask and if the roommate says no your son should try to book a private room in a library.

+1
But make it a gentle ask, e.g., "I have tutoring at x time and find it hard to focus if I'm not on my own. Any way I could have the room to myself at this day/time? If not, I can probably work something out at the library."

Asking each other for private time in the room is not that unusual (my kid is an RA and they advise roommates and having designated times you leave the room is pretty normal to establish).

Exactly. I don't get why folks think this is such a big thing. Sounds like the kid never gets alone time in the room. This seems like a reasonable request.

It's a shared dorm room, there should be no expecation of "alone time." Many colleges have dorms with single rooms. OP's kid could have done that.

-1
This is just false. Even in the roommate contracts they include discussions how to have privacy in the rooms by discussing staggered times to be out, how to communicate a desire for privacy etc. You can't expect a ton of "alone time" but it's something the colleges even encourage students to discuss and come to an arrangement about. It wouldn't be a punishable offense to not give your roommate some privacy, but it's common courtesy.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe how many of you think that just asking the roommate is such a terrible thing to do.

I don't usually put a lot of stock in the "snowflake" stereotype, but now I see where it came from.

I have 2 kids in college and they navigate their roommate issues fine on their own and are happy with their situations, luckily they are not living with any of you or your children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a quick question -- my son has virtual tutoring 2x per week for 1 hour. During this time, it would be ideal if his roommate would leave the room. Is it rude for my son to ask his roommate to leave the room just during the virtual tutoring?

IMO, I do think it would be rude to ask the roommate to leave. Even though your son gives the roommate alone time and takes his calls elsewhere, that has been your son’s choice to do so and it doesn’t sound like this was something that was discussed where they agreed to some sort of comprise. For all we know the roommate may have been fine with your son spending more time in the room or taking phone calls in the room. Now what is fair game is to say “hey, I have virtual tutoring twice a week and have been trying to figure out where to have the sessions. Would we be able to work out our schedules for me to have the session here”?

From there I would see what is the compromise that works for both your son and roommate. It’s possible the compromise could be once a week your son has the room to himself and the other tutoring day he goes elsewhere. Maybe they agree he has the session in the room the roommate offers to dinner at that time and that would take up the first half of the tutoring time. Or maybe the roommate says he will put on headphones. They both have equal right to the room so if they can’t work out something that is convenient for both of them , the worst case your son should be able to have the sessions in the room and the roommate puts on headphones etc. It would be like when everyone was in virtual school and remote work and you could hear everyone else’s calls in the background but we all had to the best you could in the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a quick question -- my son has virtual tutoring 2x per week for 1 hour. During this time, it would be ideal if his roommate would leave the room. Is it rude for my son to ask his roommate to leave the room just during the virtual tutoring?

IMO, I do think it would be rude to ask the roommate to leave. Even though your son gives the roommate alone time and takes his calls elsewhere, that has been your son’s choice to do so and it doesn’t sound like this was something that was discussed where they agreed to some sort of comprise. For all we know the roommate may have been fine with your son spending more time in the room or taking phone calls in the room. Now what is fair game is to say “hey, I have virtual tutoring twice a week and have been trying to figure out where to have the sessions. Would we be able to work out our schedules for me to have the session here”?

From there I would see what is the compromise that works for both your son and roommate. It’s possible the compromise could be once a week your son has the room to himself and the other tutoring day he goes elsewhere. Maybe they agree he has the session in the room the roommate offers to dinner at that time and that would take up the first half of the tutoring time. Or maybe the roommate says he will put on headphones. They both have equal right to the room so if they can’t work out something that is convenient for both of them , the worst case your son should be able to have the sessions in the room and the roommate puts on headphones etc. It would be like when everyone was in virtual school and remote work and you could hear everyone else’s calls in the background but we all had to the best you could in the situation.

You literally wrote a way of asking the student to leave--this is what most people have said all along (see earlier PP with "gentle" phrasing). Sure, HOW you ask can be rude or not, but I've been stunned by people who think just asking at all is rude and an imposition.