How can I get past this and be pleasant towards my MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take is that this isn't just about the FB comment but the long standing treatment of your DW by her mother. For whatever reason, your DW continues to have a relationship with her mother and I totally understand how difficult that is for you. Since you're not giving your DW an ultimatum about her mother (which would be a DW-DW issue and not a MIL issue), the only thing you have to do is maintain civility.

It sounds like you've been polite but that isn't enough for your MIL. I understand that, too. That's kind of the relationship I had with my ILs and they weren't crappy like your MIL has been. They were nice people but they had a different vision of what their relationship with their DIL would be than what I had. No one was wrong, just differing expectations. I was polite, saw them on a regular basis, participated in family events, etc. But, that wasn't enough because I wasn't as 'close' to them as they wanted. For a while, it caused a lot of problems in my relationship with my DH.

Your DW can't dictate how you feel about her mother. You don't need to be warm and friendly to your MIL, you only need to be polite/civil. If that's not enough for you MIL or if you struggle to be polite/civil, I suggest you and your DW work on this in counseling. It really helped me and my DH to work through it and get him to the point that he stopped listening to his parents complaints about it and to be okay with what I was able/willing to give. Hugs.

I think the issue is that OP isn't being polite. She's giving the MIL dirty looks and being unpleasant enough that the MIL and the wife are picking up on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My take is that this isn't just about the FB comment but the long standing treatment of your DW by her mother. For whatever reason, your DW continues to have a relationship with her mother and I totally understand how difficult that is for you. Since you're not giving your DW an ultimatum about her mother (which would be a DW-DW issue and not a MIL issue), the only thing you have to do is maintain civility.

It sounds like you've been polite but that isn't enough for your MIL. I understand that, too. That's kind of the relationship I had with my ILs and they weren't crappy like your MIL has been. They were nice people but they had a different vision of what their relationship with their DIL would be than what I had. No one was wrong, just differing expectations. I was polite, saw them on a regular basis, participated in family events, etc. But, that wasn't enough because I wasn't as 'close' to them as they wanted. For a while, it caused a lot of problems in my relationship with my DH.

Your DW can't dictate how you feel about her mother. You don't need to be warm and friendly to your MIL, you only need to be polite/civil. If that's not enough for you MIL or if you struggle to be polite/civil, I suggest you and your DW work on this in counseling. It really helped me and my DH to work through it and get him to the point that he stopped listening to his parents complaints about it and to be okay with what I was able/willing to give. Hugs.

I think the issue is that OP isn't being polite. She's giving the MIL dirty looks and being unpleasant enough that the MIL and the wife are picking up on it.

I didn't get that OP was giving the MIL dirty looks or being unpleasant (side eye doesn't count as being mean). Albeit, her post is a little unclear. But, the biggest issue is that she isn't wearing a happy face - which is unreasonable. The only thing OP needs to be is civil.

MIL was over recently for dinner, and I’m telling you, I just can’t find it in my heart to be nice. I’m not mean, but I’m definitely colder than I ever was. I did catch myself even side-eying her a couple times, wanting to shake my head. This last visit upset MIL who cried to DW, and DW came to me angry that I can’t just put on a happy face. I just cant.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are understandable. Your MIL is a coward. I hope for your wife's sake you can try to accept that is her reality and make peace, outwardly.

I hate my Trumpkin FIL and he's lashed out at me several times over the years. I make nice with him because my MIL is a good woman and it keeps the family peace. My opinion of him will never change but I am pleasant and polite.

Your anger is wasted, MIL is just not capable of being a better human at this juncture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my wife for a decade, and in that time I’m watched my wife take some pretty rotten treatment from her mom. I’m also a woman, fwiw, just thought I should mention it, even though I don’t think it matters in this situation. It was a dynamic I didn’t understand at first, and hated watching. My MIL would do something, they’d fight and not speak for a while, then make up and continue the cycle. I’d point things out to my wife and she would get defensive. But over the years, she came to terms with the fact that her mother has been abusive.

Nearly two years ago, MIL shared a FB memory from our wedding. DW has a family member who lives to troll FB and start trouble, so it wasn’t surprising when he came to the post and commented with some really gross anti-gay stuff. What did bother both DW and me was how MIL blatantly ignored the comments, and when called to task about it, she said she didn’t want to upset the apple cart. When explained that her silence was complacency, she again said she didn’t want to upset the family, so DW cut her off completely.

They have since recently reconnected. Apparently MIL has apologized and they’re back like nothing ever happened. I, on the other hand, can only see this ugly woman who would rather appease the family than stand up for her DD. It’s gross. MIL was over recently for dinner, and I’m telling you, I just can’t find it in my heart to be nice. I’m not mean, but I’m definitely colder than I ever was. I did catch myself even side-eying her a couple times, wanting to shake my head. This last visit upset MIL who cried to DW, and DW came to me angry that I can’t just put on a happy face. I just cant. When I look at her, all I see is ugliness. I don’t know how my wife sees anything else. I do realize that there are times I will have to interact with this woman for the sake of my wife, about once a month, if I had to give it a number. How do I put my feelings aside and do this when I’m so disgusted?

Just be civil, let your wife handle her mom. Everyone involved is an adult, no meddling required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my wife for a decade, and in that time I’m watched my wife take some pretty rotten treatment from her mom. I’m also a woman, fwiw, just thought I should mention it, even though I don’t think it matters in this situation. It was a dynamic I didn’t understand at first, and hated watching. My MIL would do something, they’d fight and not speak for a while, then make up and continue the cycle. I’d point things out to my wife and she would get defensive. But over the years, she came to terms with the fact that her mother has been abusive.

Nearly two years ago, MIL shared a FB memory from our wedding. DW has a family member who lives to troll FB and start trouble, so it wasn’t surprising when he came to the post and commented with some really gross anti-gay stuff. What did bother both DW and me was how MIL blatantly ignored the comments, and when called to task about it, she said she didn’t want to upset the apple cart. When explained that her silence was complacency, she again said she didn’t want to upset the family, so DW cut her off completely.

They have since recently reconnected. Apparently MIL has apologized and they’re back like nothing ever happened. I, on the other hand, can only see this ugly woman who would rather appease the family than stand up for her DD. It’s gross. MIL was over recently for dinner, and I’m telling you, I just can’t find it in my heart to be nice. I’m not mean, but I’m definitely colder than I ever was. I did catch myself even side-eying her a couple times, wanting to shake my head. This last visit upset MIL who cried to DW, and DW came to me angry that I can’t just put on a happy face. I just cant. When I look at her, all I see is ugliness. I don’t know how my wife sees anything else. I do realize that there are times I will have to interact with this woman for the sake of my wife, about once a month, if I had to give it a number. How do I put my feelings aside and do this when I’m so disgusted?

Just be civil, let your wife handle her mom. Everyone involved is an adult, no meddling required.

If anyone can help, it’s a professional therapist. It’s not possible for a spouse to make other spouse actually see the toxicity of their lifelong relationships with their birth family. They are oblivious to it and conditioned to accept it.

[Anonymous]

I hid my MIL's posts on FB from my feed before I eventually left FB altogether. It helped me be much more civil to her when we were actually together. The issues are different in our family, but I can identify with your frustration and anger over unhealthy family dynamics that can be more visible to in-laws and less to our partners who are trying to maintain a relationship with their parent. We are long-distance and so the pandemic has helped in that we're not together as often, so being civil on the occasional Zoom or phone call has gotten much easier. All in all, I have tried to make sure other things in my marriage and life take up more room and my issues with my MIL take up the most minimal room possible, emotionally and otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I think difficult or demanding in-laws are probably one of the top factor causing trouble in a marriage. Single people don’t have this stress.

[Anonymous]

Your continued anger after so much time is like drinking poison, expecting it to hurt your MIL. It’s only hurting you, and your wife. You’ve said your piece, now get some perspective and move on. Rather than stomping around like a petulant child, maybe try to have an open discussion with your MIL about why it was hurtful to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your continued anger after so much time is like drinking poison, expecting it to hurt your MIL. It’s only hurting you, and your wife. You’ve said your piece, now get some perspective and move on. Rather than stomping around like a petulant child, maybe try to have an open discussion with your MIL about why it was hurtful to you.

It’s not that easy to forget, forgive and embrace when you know that it’s a cycle waiting to repeat itself again and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your continued anger after so much time is like drinking poison, expecting it to hurt your MIL. It’s only hurting you, and your wife. You’ve said your piece, now get some perspective and move on. Rather than stomping around like a petulant child, maybe try to have an open discussion with your MIL about why it was hurtful to you.

It’s not that easy to forget, forgive and embrace when you know that it’s a cycle waiting to repeat itself again and again.

And being an angry, bitter person helps prevent it how? I mean, it’s not supporting the wife. It’s not creating the kind of teaching environment where MIL could learn how to be speak up courageously about LGBT issues. All it’s doing is keeping you angry and stressed.

It’s not easy for forgive, but the work is always worth it.

[Anonymous]

It can be difficult to love and accept inlaws the way they are. It can also be difficult to love and accept your child's lesbian relationship and love and accept their partner the way they are. It's possible you and the MIL struggle with these issues.

I think your MIL showed her intentions when she posted pics of the wedding on FB. It would have been nice if she could also have dressed down the trolling relative but I'd say it's a process, not an event. I hope you, OP, can move along in your process as well.

[Anonymous]

How do you treat a neighbor you don't like? See them only when you have to. Don't get personal. Be courteous.

[Anonymous]

MIL posting your wedding picture means she supports her daughter's marriage to you. MIL removing trolling comment would open the door to have to confront the poster for removing their comment and why. Besides MIL probably not being confrontational by nature, likely knows arguing with an ignorant family member that has established themselves as a troll on FB is fruitless. You should really sit down and talk to her about it. She may have a lot to say about the matter which if you would have talked to her years ago would make you feel foolish for cutting her off.