How can I get past this and be pleasant towards my MIL?
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Anonymous
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I’ve been with my wife for a decade, and in that time I’m watched my wife take some pretty rotten treatment from her mom. I’m also a woman, fwiw, just thought I should mention it, even though I don’t think it matters in this situation. It was a dynamic I didn’t understand at first, and hated watching. My MIL would do something, they’d fight and not speak for a while, then make up and continue the cycle. I’d point things out to my wife and she would get defensive. But over the years, she came to terms with the fact that her mother has been abusive.
Nearly two years ago, MIL shared a FB memory from our wedding. DW has a family member who lives to troll FB and start trouble, so it wasn’t surprising when he came to the post and commented with some really gross anti-gay stuff. What did bother both DW and me was how MIL blatantly ignored the comments, and when called to task about it, she said she didn’t want to upset the apple cart. When explained that her silence was complacency, she again said she didn’t want to upset the family, so DW cut her off completely. They have since recently reconnected. Apparently MIL has apologized and they’re back like nothing ever happened. I, on the other hand, can only see this ugly woman who would rather appease the family than stand up for her DD. It’s gross. MIL was over recently for dinner, and I’m telling you, I just can’t find it in my heart to be nice. I’m not mean, but I’m definitely colder than I ever was. I did catch myself even side-eying her a couple times, wanting to shake my head. This last visit upset MIL who cried to DW, and DW came to me angry that I can’t just put on a happy face. I just cant. When I look at her, all I see is ugliness. I don’t know how my wife sees anything else. I do realize that there are times I will have to interact with this woman for the sake of my wife, about once a month, if I had to give it a number. How do I put my feelings aside and do this when I’m so disgusted? |
Anonymous
| I agree that she should have called out the bigoted relative, FWIW. But what you describe here is not crazy dysfunctional but garden variety in-law problems. I see no abuse toward your daughter, in fact. Suck it up and be nice for the sake of your wife. |
Anonymous
| And holding on to a grudge based on a Facebook post from TWO YEARS ago says something ugly about you. |
Anonymous
| Toward her daughter, not your daughter. |
Anonymous
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If you put on a happy face, it's not saying that you agree or even like MIL. You're doing it out of love for your wife. Your MIL is an ugly person.
The right thing to do regarding the facebook comments was for your MIL to delete them. Starting an argument in Facebook comments isn't pretty, especially between two family members. |
Anonymous
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Can you find a mantra/phrase that you can tell yourself over and over?
How many other people are around during these visits? |
Anonymous
OP here: You are right. I wish she would have confronted the person, personally. She didn’t even do that, and still associates with them in a friendly way. It’s the lack of loyalty that bugs me. I stand up for what is right, even if it means I lose the person who said the horrible thing! |
Anonymous
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Wait a minute. Your DW saw the ugly comments from the cousin and didn’t stand up for herself, but you expect the MIL to take a stand? You have every right to be angry at the commenter.
FWIW, Facebook and social media is often a a cesspool. Just look at the comments that people post of this anonymous forum. |
Anonymous
| You need to not be around the MIL. I think that’s the only way. |
Anonymous
| I'm a queer woman. It doesn't sound like MIL has behaved badly toward you. If her only offense is not fighting with people on FB, I think you have been way too harsh in your treatment of her. I'm an organizer and very involved in justice issues. I don't fight with people on FB because getting lectured or cut down on facebook never changed anyone's mind. Your MIL is actually doing the work that moves people, living her life, celebrating her daughter, continuing to be kind to those who are hateful-and that work is miserable, so I'm glad others are willing to do it. |
Anonymous
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I'm with you OP. MIL is a terrible, weak person for not standing up, or AT LEAST deleting the comment.
For your own sanity, could you let your wife meet alone with her mother every other meet up, and thereby cut your interaction with her in half?! My MIL, although lovely, really loved having her son all to herself so he could devote all of his attention to her. I was fine with it, in hopes my son will feel the same about me one day! |
Anonymous
| I have no advice but I can totally understand your reaction. |
Anonymous
| I would have left the comment from my bigoted family member up, and not commented on it too. As another poster said Facebook arguments do not change minds, but I would have left the comment up because it says more about the person making the comment. MIL does not sound that bad, OP just wants to be mad. |
Anonymous
OP- I think this post will help you reframe it. |
Anonymous
| I can understand why, for an older generation, unabashedly and unashamedly sharing the picture of your wedding was, to her mind, already enough confrontation of the bigoted relative. Of course I don’t agree, but I could come to a place of forgiveness about that specific thing. |