16 year old won’t shovel driveway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are your other children?

I know a teenager just like your son. He does nothing his parents ask, but they never follow through. Good for you for having consequences. I wouldn’t turn the internet back on just because he finally shoveled. He’d have to earn it back by not giving you a hard time.

Hope your back feels better.

No, no, no. This is the emotional, reactive way to go, and it puts DS in a no-win situation. Next time he behaves badly, his response will be, "well, there is nothing I can do now, she won't turn the internet back on, so why should I bother shoveling (or otherwise trying to make the situation better)?"

A kid who has behaved badly needs a path to make things right. Turning the internet off is a kind of shock to DS's system. He straightens up and tries to make things right. The appropriate reaction is to thank him for doing as he was asked, calmly remind him that you are all members of a family and cooperation is needed to make things go smoothly, and turn on the internet.

Never set up a no-win situation. It's your hurt feelings that make you want to say, "well, I got what I wanted but I'm going to keep punishing because I didn't get it the way I wanted it." Tempting, but entirely counterproductive. QTIP!

l

This parent is wise. I will remember this!

[Anonymous]

Here’s how it went in our home:

Me: I’m going to shovel the driveway

Kid 1: do we have to help?!?!

me: whatever your conscience tells you to do….

Kids came and helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for being my sounding board. I’m usually reactionary so I’m just trying to cut that out now. He argued with me and I just went upstairs and am writing in bed as my back hurts. Next thing I know he is outside. It’s dusk but he’s getting it done.

NP - Don't allow internet tonight. This isn't a transactional lesson. Just for fun (if you have a portable wireless speaker) or Alexa, play No Scrubs by TLC on loop. It was my anthem. Despite DS being as easy as a goldfish, he had his moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how it went in our home:

Me: I’m going to shovel the driveway

Kid 1: do we have to help?!?!

me: whatever your conscience tells you to do….

Kids came and helped.

Ah, the old guilt trip technique. Hi, mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how it went in our home:

Me: I’m going to shovel the driveway

Kid 1: do we have to help?!?!

me: whatever your conscience tells you to do….

Kids came and helped.

Ah, the old guilt trip technique. Hi, mom!

My teen would've said: That Catholic guilt doesn't work on everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are your other children?

+1 ???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are your other children?

+1 ???

Other kid is seven years old. She brought me a glass of water when I was lying in bed. She is a very helpful person. Which makes the 16 year old’s unhelpful nature even more apparent. He ended up only doing part of the driveway. Left the snow near the garage and is refusing to do it since “I didn’t specify.” He is exasperating. Internet is still off so he found his sister’s school laptop and tried to turn it on so I shut off internet to that as well. It’s a cat and mouse game. I have to stay vigilant and use the QTIP technique posted by a helpful person on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how it went in our home:

Me: I’m going to shovel the driveway

Kid 1: do we have to help?!?!

me: whatever your conscience tells you to do….

Kids came and helped.

Ah, the old guilt trip technique. Hi, mom!

My teen would've said: That Catholic guilt doesn't work on everyone!

DP.. I'm Korean. That's worse than Catholic guilt, as any Korean will tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?

Well, think about if someone just came and demanded you shovel the driveway. Would you drop everything and do it? I personally wouldn’t. I don’t expect a 16 year old to behave to a higher standard than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are your other children?

+1 ???

Other kid is seven years old. She brought me a glass of water when I was lying in bed. She is a very helpful person. Which makes the 16 year old’s unhelpful nature even more apparent. He ended up only doing part of the driveway. Left the snow near the garage and is refusing to do it since “I didn’t specify.” He is exasperating. Internet is still off so he found his sister’s school laptop and tried to turn it on so I shut off internet to that as well. It’s a cat and mouse game. I have to stay vigilant and use the QTIP technique posted by a helpful person on this thread.

I am the QTIP person, glad you are finding it helpful. It is advice I got from a parenting teens class.

However, please don't compare your 7 yo with your 16 yo! It is really not fair and even if it were fair, it isn't helpful, as it will only make you feel worse towards your son. This is not the way of The Rock. If it helps, recall that your 16 yo was probably very sweet and helpful at 7, too.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 61 year old female and I shoveled driveway today. Are there any seniors on your street? I'd send them down to shovel their driveways.

[Anonymous]

Does he ever shovel it? Does he do other things? My oldest usually shovels the driveway but he has Covid right now. So does DH. He said he’d try today and I told him no way. My other child went out with me and really did not help at all. He complained the entire time, kicked around some snow and barely did anything. Finally I told him to go inside because I was sick of hearing him.

I’m not angry or punishing, because DS2 cooked for everyone, cleaned up and did a ton of laundry today. Both his and the house. So fine. He helped in other areas while I was outside shoveling.

But yeah, if they aren’t doing anything kill the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he ever shovel it? Does he do other things? My oldest usually shovels the driveway but he has Covid right now. So does DH. He said he’d try today and I told him no way. My other child went out with me and really did not help at all. He complained the entire time, kicked around some snow and barely did anything. Finally I told him to go inside because I was sick of hearing him.

I’m not angry or punishing, because DS2 cooked for everyone, cleaned up and did a ton of laundry today. Both his and the house. So fine. He helped in other areas while I was outside shoveling.

But yeah, if they aren’t doing anything kill the internet.

No, he doesn’t do anything else.

[Anonymous]

If you have a huge property with a set back property, what was the impetus behind not just taking the $ out of his car fund and hiring someone to do it? What are you going to do when he graduates next year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how it went in our home:

Me: I’m going to shovel the driveway

Kid 1: do we have to help?!?!

me: whatever your conscience tells you to do….

Kids came and helped.

Ah, the old guilt trip technique. Hi, mom!

My teen would've said: That Catholic guilt doesn't work on everyone!

DP.. I'm Korean. That's worse than Catholic guilt, as any Korean will tell you.

Ditto with Jewish guilt.