Help me stop yelling at my kids so much

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to let you know that I have been really struggling with this too. This morning, I promised myself I wouldn't yell at them and I ended up exactly that when they started fighting with each other. Thanks for asking this question. I'm going to give some of the strategies in this thread a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watching old episodes of Supernanny helped me.

Stop listening to any kind of Janet Lansbury/attachment parenting/Ellen Satler stuff.

You have to be extremely direct and firm and consistent.

I feel like all the attachment/crunchy granola/validate your kids emotions/empathize with them/bodily autonomy stuff did me a great disservice when it came to learning to parent.

I LOVE Jo Frost (Supernanny). She’s amazing and shows you how it’s done.

Look I'm not the biggest follower of Janet Lansbury but she would be the first to tell you to be direct and blunt with kids. RIE isn't attachment parenting, it's about setting limits and boundaries because that's what kids crave.

And Ellen Satter writes about food, and also advocates for direct language and boundaries. What are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

This is my dream! How do you make that happen?

We are Arabs and it's the same. It just takes the right look. I can't really explain it but my sister is practicing white people type parenting and I noticed she talks to her kid in a tone that implies they are equal. I don't do that and use a gentle but very firm tone and glare when disciplining.

Do we really have to go there?

There are generations of white parents who have used "the look" on their kids. This isn't new or unique.

Please, you know what the PP was referring to. Immigrant families are fine with being strict and we aren’t soft on our kids. Doesn’t mean we engage in violence or anything crazy. Remember Tiger Mom?

I'd rather not.

[Anonymous]

2nd super nanny

[Anonymous]

Ignore the tantrums. Leave the room if you must. Don't get into a screaming match with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Celebrate Calm changed our LIFE.

Thank you whoever on here suggested it.

What is celebrate calm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

This is my dream! How do you make that happen?

We are Arabs and it's the same. It just takes the right look. I can't really explain it but my sister is practicing white people type parenting and I noticed she talks to her kid in a tone that implies they are equal. I don't do that and use a gentle but very firm tone and glare when disciplining.

Do we really have to go there?

There are generations of white parents who have used "the look" on their kids. This isn't new or unique.

Please, you know what the PP was referring to. Immigrant families are fine with being strict and we aren’t soft on our kids. Doesn’t mean we engage in violence or anything crazy. Remember Tiger Mom?

I'd rather not.

As an immigrant, I'm amazed at what white families seem very ok with. Out-of-wedlock births, drug and alcohol addiction, dropping out of school etc. I don't see any issues with those of us who were raised with discipline and respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

This is my dream! How do you make that happen?

We are Arabs and it's the same. It just takes the right look. I can't really explain it but my sister is practicing white people type parenting and I noticed she talks to her kid in a tone that implies they are equal. I don't do that and use a gentle but very firm tone and glare when disciplining.

Do we really have to go there?

There are generations of white parents who have used "the look" on their kids. This isn't new or unique.

Please, you know what the PP was referring to. Immigrant families are fine with being strict and we aren’t soft on our kids. Doesn’t mean we engage in violence or anything crazy. Remember Tiger Mom?

I'd rather not.

As an immigrant, I'm amazed at what white families seem very ok with. Out-of-wedlock births, drug and alcohol addiction, dropping out of school etc. I don't see any issues with those of us who were raised with discipline and respect.

So why did you move here?

[Anonymous]

Baby steps, suggested by How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen:

Start by changing what you say. Yelling "Shoes!!" after your kid fails to put on his shoes a million times is so much better than "I SAID put on your *#?$ shoes!!! Can't you ever listen to the simplest request?!?"

Changing what you say also starts to shift you away from taking out your frustration on your kids.

Sometimes just saying "I am so frustrated!!" is a reasonable release. (**Do not** continue with "Why don't you ever yadda yadda...")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

This is my dream! How do you make that happen?

We are Arabs and it's the same. It just takes the right look. I can't really explain it but my sister is practicing white people type parenting and I noticed she talks to her kid in a tone that implies they are equal. I don't do that and use a gentle but very firm tone and glare when disciplining.

Do we really have to go there?

There are generations of white parents who have used "the look" on their kids. This isn't new or unique.

Please, you know what the PP was referring to. Immigrant families are fine with being strict and we aren’t soft on our kids. Doesn’t mean we engage in violence or anything crazy. Remember Tiger Mom?

I'd rather not.

As an immigrant, I'm amazed at what white families seem very ok with. Out-of-wedlock births, drug and alcohol addiction, dropping out of school etc. I don't see any issues with those of us who were raised with discipline and respect.

So why did you move here?

Didn’t you hear, immigrants are taking over this country!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two parts here.

One, address kids behavior as pp mentioned.

The other, address all the other factors that are not directly kid related and that are burning you out and shortening your fuses - get help if you can (parents, ils, mothers helpers, etc once you are out of quarantine), but also let go: let the balls drop and keep them there. Your dh knows that if he drops the ball, you are there to pick it up, stop. Let it drop. And related to that, Prioritize yourself. This will give you more emotional reserves to not shout in frustration.

Good luck op! Hugs!

The 2nd part exemplifies my wife. She gets frustrated due to her aging parents dementia and issues at work. She is then looking for an outlet for her frustration, and that outlet is all too frequently when the kids do not respond the second she makes a request. I intervene when it is unreasonable and / or a drink is involved, but all too often the kids fail to read the obvious hints and their failed response intensifies her anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

Another vote for this answer. This really works.

- signed, mother of 3 teens who started using the Kazdin method when oldest was 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

This is my dream! How do you make that happen?

We are Arabs and it's the same. It just takes the right look. I can't really explain it but my sister is practicing white people type parenting and I noticed she talks to her kid in a tone that implies they are equal. I don't do that and use a gentle but very firm tone and glare when disciplining.

Do we really have to go there?

There are generations of white parents who have used "the look" on their kids. This isn't new or unique.

Please, you know what the PP was referring to. Immigrant families are fine with being strict and we aren’t soft on our kids. Doesn’t mean we engage in violence or anything crazy. Remember Tiger Mom?

Child of immigrants here and this bolded phrase is so on point that it totally cracked me up. My own kids are totally out of control as is the norm these days, ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

There are a lot of good suggestions here but this one is particularly good. A lot of frustration and yelling comes from the dynamic where kids get many, many chances to comply. Their natural reaction is to keep ignoring. You need to break this cycle. But it will be slow going.

-1

This is possibly the worst suggestion. You're expecting a child, biologically incapable of impulse control, to mange their emotions yet not hold the adult to the same standard?

And not for nothing, I don't want my daughters to blindly accept and comply with whatever directives they're given. I want them to recognize their autonomy and learn to think and make decisions for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

There are a lot of good suggestions here but this one is particularly good. A lot of frustration and yelling comes from the dynamic where kids get many, many chances to comply. Their natural reaction is to keep ignoring. You need to break this cycle. But it will be slow going.

-1

This is possibly the worst suggestion. You're expecting a child, biologically incapable of impulse control, to mange their emotions yet not hold the adult to the same standard?

And not for nothing, I don't want my daughters to blindly accept and comply with whatever directives they're given. I want them to recognize their autonomy and learn to think and make decisions for themselves.

Of course I hold adults to the same standard. Does your boss plead with you ten times to submit your work?

All of early childhood is learning impulse control. Starting at birth, infants are learning to control their bodies; then crawl, walk, feed themselves, tie their shoes. Parents who do not make self-control the primary discipline practiced by their young children are doing them an incredible disservice that will follow them their entire lives. A child who will control their voice when they are asked to be quiet at the library will be miles ahead the 20 other children whose mothers follow them around uselessly pleading with them to Make Good Choices.