Help me stop yelling at my kids so much

[Anonymous]

It has been a LONG few weeks. Spent about 20 days quarantined due to COVID and now we are staying home through the new year instead of visiting family as planned. I have been the default parent as always and am beyond burnt out. My husband is useless and I can’t have another conversation with him about how he needs to step up more with the kids.

I truly feel bad because I have been yelling at my kids more than ever and would love any advice on how to just take a deep breath and let it go. I don’t want my kids to remember me as always yelling at them but between the fighting, whining, constant demands and the 2 year old’s tantrums and general dictatorship I am losing it.

How do other stay calm and tone down the yelling?

Sadly getting a sitter is not an option right now.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP-
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dear-therapists-with-lori-gottlieb-and-guy-winch/id1523340696?i=1000539734252

I listened to this podcast today and reading your post made me think you might get something out of it. It’s about a mom who is struggling with her kids and managing her frustrations.

I thought the therapists had some good ideas to help her. It’s an hour to listen. Maybe you’ll hear something you might try.

I’m sorry it’s such a struggle right now. Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

No advice but I can relate. I have 4 and 6 year old kids and my husband works very long hours. Didn’t take off ANY time for Christmas so I’ve been home alone with them for 2 weeks (they were home sick before break) and am losing my mind. I love them so much but am also getting very burnt out and very short.

[Anonymous]

You are gonna have to stop caring so much about some stuff. Seriously, it is the only way.

[Anonymous]

Go for a run. It helps me with my anger. Other things like a short mantas (this too shall pass /this is only a test) help to calm down if I repeat then in the moment. Otherwise I just try to laugh through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are gonna have to stop caring so much about some stuff. Seriously, it is the only way.

+1. Lower your standards, op. That may sound bad but it’s actually glorious. Yelling is only for when they are in immediate danger. Nothing else actually matters. If you find yourself getting close to yelling tell them you’re taking a break and put on the tv and go to another room for a while. Come back when you’re calm and talk to the/discipline them/correct their behavior or whatever needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

[Anonymous]

Go for a solo walk or drive every day n

[Anonymous]

There are two parts here.

One, address kids behavior as pp mentioned.

The other, address all the other factors that are not directly kid related and that are burning you out and shortening your fuses - get help if you can (parents, ils, mothers helpers, etc once you are out of quarantine), but also let go: let the balls drop and keep them there. Your dh knows that if he drops the ball, you are there to pick it up, stop. Let it drop. And related to that, Prioritize yourself. This will give you more emotional reserves to not shout in frustration.

Good luck op! Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Zoloft. And think to yourself, would you tolerate your husband or children yelling at you? No.

[Anonymous]

I recommend reading the book "the Happiness Project" and also setting small goals - no yelling for an hour or whatever, so you can accomplish something and build on your success.

[Anonymous]

Reframe your anger. Eg, you just got a new white carpet, your boss is over and spills red wine all over it. Would you scream at them? Probably not, and yet we do scream at our children, for mistakes.

Learned that in a PEP (parent encouragement program) class and never forgot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

There are a lot of good suggestions here but this one is particularly good. A lot of frustration and yelling comes from the dynamic where kids get many, many chances to comply. Their natural reaction is to keep ignoring. You need to break this cycle. But it will be slow going.

[Anonymous]

Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

[Anonymous]

I just finished a book from the library (ebook) called How to Stop Losing Your $h*t with Your Kids and it was helpful. It's an easy and funny read too. One of the things the author talks about is noticing. Noticing when you are getting triggered or tense and trying to stop your meltdown before yelling. One of her pieces of advice is when you are about to lose it, literally do anything else. Walk away for two minutes. Sing a song. Squeeze a pillow. And also to give yourself some grace and not beat yourself up about losing it...just learn and aim to do better next time. It sounds like you may have gotten into the habit or default setting of yelling and you want to work on braking that habit. Good luck and I'm sorry things are tough right now.