Confused about relationship between being transgender and gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Answering OP's question, the reason so many posters are saying it's impossible to answer or depends on the couple is because there's such a huge variation in the way married couples respond to one partner transitioning. There are a bunch of married couples with one cis and one trans wife who have vow renewal ceremonies with two brides-- google for some really sweet wedding photos. Many of the cis wives were bisexual to start with or are happily out and proud to now be n a lesbian relationship. Some couples have a strong fixed orientation that just does not and can't include the trans partner's new gender, and they either split up, or radically change their relationship to a platonic one like the straight PP who is in a platonic domestic partnership with his husband. Other men in his situation with different sexual orientations stay with their husbands and often identify as "straight except for my spouse" or bi. It's pretty common among lesbian couples where one partner transitions to male, and they stay together in a fully sexual relationship for the wife to keep identifying as a lesbian, with her husband as her one male exception. That happens with straight women and their trans wives, too-- the cisgender wives don't identify as gay or bi, but their orientation has expanded to include their spouse.

I don't think people are saying you can't know to shut you down or do myob finger-wagging-- it's just such a complicated issue, and one that every couple treats differently. You really can't know until you get some input from your cousin and her wife about how they're doing things.

This is a really good description.

Generally speaking though, in the case of the OP's cousin, they're now in a gay relationship but that doesn't mean her cousin is gay. Her cousin could be bi since the type of relationship being gay or straight doesn't mean that the sexual orientation of the person can't be bi since the OP specifically asked if this means her cousin is "gay"- it means that she's either gay or bi now. Most of the time marriages fail when the cis partner is completely straight so the spouse is likely bi.

I've seen stories of cis women who are bi but lean far towards other women on the spectrum to the point that they barely ever or never even date men. They get married to a "man" and have kids (which they may have wanted their whole lives). Their partner turns out to be trans (which the spouse may have already known but the OP being only a cousin, did not) and all of a sudden it all makes sense. They love each other and stay together. No drama in their marriage, just questions and drama from people outside the marriage like the OP.

All I'll say to the OP is this, please don't ask them about their genitals. It's really rude to do that but a lot of cis people think it's okay to ask trans people about bottom surgery or their genitals. In some cases, that's okay, like if the conversation is directed their by the trans person but most of the time it's cis people wanting to know way too many details about the trans person. If you wouldn't want someone asking you about your genitals, it's probably not appropriate for you to do that to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband were to suddenly decide today that he was a woman, I would stay with him and It would have nothing to do with sexual preference. I love him and we've been married forever and very little could change that.

Her

[Anonymous]

Your sex is between your legs. It is assigned at birth.

Your gender is in your brain. It’s how you identity.

The sexual attraction you feel towards another person determines whether you are gay, straight, bi, etc.

They don’t necessarily relate in any way.

[Anonymous]

The wife is probably trying to process all of this, particularly if this is all new to her. Maybe they will stay together, but it also wouldn’t be surprising if she ends up leaving the relationship once your cousin starts to transition And things become more real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife is now Skoliosexual assuming they still have sex.

Lesbians is a term used for women attracted to cis-gender women.

I’ll be 64 in a month and all these things confuse me. I understand gay and lesbian, but trans is something newer, though I think I get it although the issue with women’s athletics confuses me. I honestly don’t know if it’s fair or not. The bit about pronouns confuses me. And all these new words like the one above leave me without a clue. I grew up in a world where homosexual activity was a crime and we were taught that homosexuality was bad. I’m glad the world has changed but now it’s changing so fast I can’t seem to keep up. It took me a while to memorize LGBT. But now they’ve added a Q. What does Q include that LGBT doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife is now Skoliosexual assuming they still have sex.

Lesbians is a term used for women attracted to cis-gender women.

I’ll be 64 in a month and all these things confuse me. I understand gay and lesbian, but trans is something newer, though I think I get it although the issue with women’s athletics confuses me. I honestly don’t know if it’s fair or not. The bit about pronouns confuses me. And all these new words like the one above leave me without a clue. I grew up in a world where homosexual activity was a crime and we were taught that homosexuality was bad. I’m glad the world has changed but now it’s changing so fast I can’t seem to keep up. It took me a while to memorize LGBT. But now they’ve added a Q. What does Q include that LGBT doesn’t?

Computers were a new thing once and you managed to learn how to use them well enough to post on dcum even though if someone told you that would happen when you were in high school, you probably would’ve though they were reading too much science fiction. You probably even have a smartphone which would also have been considered a pipe dream even during your adulthood. I’m pretty sure if you can handle those changes and that terminology, you can keep up with basic concepts re: gender and sexuality if you tried.

Genderspectrum.org is a good resource my child’s therapist recommended to our family to help explain things when he was questioning his gender and sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to label things? Let your cousin and her wife decide for themselves.

Also, start practicing not referring to your cousin as a he.

This is something that I, as someone in their mid sixties, is trying to understand. It seems that in today’s world labels are all important. At first labels were “gay and lesbian.” Then it became “LGBT.” Then it became “LGBTQ.” Now it’s “LGTBQIA.” Tomorrow there will be some new letter. Not to mention all the new vocabulary. Pansexual. Gender fluid. Two days ago I heard “scoliosexual.” It seems that everyone has to fit into some label.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife is now Skoliosexual assuming they still have sex.

Lesbians is a term used for women attracted to cis-gender women.

I’ll be 64 in a month and all these things confuse me. I understand gay and lesbian, but trans is something newer, though I think I get it although the issue with women’s athletics confuses me. I honestly don’t know if it’s fair or not. The bit about pronouns confuses me. And all these new words like the one above leave me without a clue. I grew up in a world where homosexual activity was a crime and we were taught that homosexuality was bad. I’m glad the world has changed but now it’s changing so fast I can’t seem to keep up. It took me a while to memorize LGBT. But now they’ve added a Q. What does Q include that LGBT doesn’t?

Do you understand crypto? NFT?

Did you ever understand radio waves? Do you know where the “cloud” is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to label things? Let your cousin and her wife decide for themselves.

Also, start practicing not referring to your cousin as a he.

This is something that I, as someone in their mid sixties, is trying to understand. It seems that in today’s world labels are all important. At first labels were “gay and lesbian.” Then it became “LGBT.” Then it became “LGBTQ.” Now it’s “LGTBQIA.” Tomorrow there will be some new letter. Not to mention all the new vocabulary. Pansexual. Gender fluid. Two days ago I heard “scoliosexual.” It seems that everyone has to fit into some label.

Is it supposed to be a bad thing that people find others like themselves, label themselves, etc? I’m not sure what the point of your post is unless you’re implying it’s a bad thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to label things? Let your cousin and her wife decide for themselves.

Also, start practicing not referring to your cousin as a he.

This is something that I, as someone in their mid sixties, is trying to understand. It seems that in today’s world labels are all important. At first labels were “gay and lesbian.” Then it became “LGBT.” Then it became “LGBTQ.” Now it’s “LGTBQIA.” Tomorrow there will be some new letter. Not to mention all the new vocabulary. Pansexual. Gender fluid. Two days ago I heard “scoliosexual.” It seems that everyone has to fit into some label.

When I was a kid, we had 2 colors: black and white. Then crayola came out with an 8 pack, and now they even have 64. People started adding colors to everything. But then even that wasn’t enough, and they had to start mixing colors. Primary wasn’t even good enough. Now they have tertiary and quaternary colors. My kids came home from school the other day talking about blending colors, and tints, tones and shades. I said something was blue-green and my son corrected me and said it was turquoise, but then my daughter said she feels it’s more teal. How can you feel a color? You’ve never been a color. Why does everything need to be labeled anyway? Two days ago I had something printed and the lady told me their printer has 11 different colored ink cartridges. Not sure why white paper and black ink doesn’t suit everyone like in the good old days, but I guess everyone wants to be an individual and label all the colors as they see fit. I think some of these colors are made up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife is now Skoliosexual assuming they still have sex.

Lesbians is a term used for women attracted to cis-gender women.

I’ll be 64 in a month and all these things confuse me. I understand gay and lesbian, but trans is something newer, though I think I get it although the issue with women’s athletics confuses me. I honestly don’t know if it’s fair or not. The bit about pronouns confuses me. And all these new words like the one above leave me without a clue. I grew up in a world where homosexual activity was a crime and we were taught that homosexuality was bad. I’m glad the world has changed but now it’s changing so fast I can’t seem to keep up. It took me a while to memorize LGBT. But now they’ve added a Q. What does Q include that LGBT doesn’t?

Do you understand crypto? NFT?

Did you ever understand radio waves? Do you know where the “cloud” is?

But those are no fun - you can’t judge people by analyzing the different types of crypto currencies. Or maybe you can..

Those doge people are cretins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to label things? Let your cousin and her wife decide for themselves.

Also, start practicing not referring to your cousin as a he.

This is something that I, as someone in their mid sixties, is trying to understand. It seems that in today’s world labels are all important. At first labels were “gay and lesbian.” Then it became “LGBT.” Then it became “LGBTQ.” Now it’s “LGTBQIA.” Tomorrow there will be some new letter. Not to mention all the new vocabulary. Pansexual. Gender fluid. Two days ago I heard “scoliosexual.” It seems that everyone has to fit into some label.

When I was a kid, we had 2 colors: black and white. Then crayola came out with an 8 pack, and now they even have 64. People started adding colors to everything. But then even that wasn’t enough, and they had to start mixing colors. Primary wasn’t even good enough. Now they have tertiary and quaternary colors. My kids came home from school the other day talking about blending colors, and tints, tones and shades. I said something was blue-green and my son corrected me and said it was turquoise, but then my daughter said she feels it’s more teal. How can you feel a color? You’ve never been a color. Why does everything need to be labeled anyway? Two days ago I had something printed and the lady told me their printer has 11 different colored ink cartridges. Not sure why white paper and black ink doesn’t suit everyone like in the good old days, but I guess everyone wants to be an individual and label all the colors as they see fit. I think some of these colors are made up.

That was amazing!

[Anonymous]

It's quite simple.

Gay people are people attracted to the same gender.

Transgenders are people who have complicated identities. We're not allowed to have a frank discussion about it but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

That’s awesome… Hopefully she will get a strap on and they will live happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's quite simple.

Gay people are people attracted to the same gender.

Transgenders are people who have complicated identities. We're not allowed to have a frank discussion about it but it is what it is.

If you feel like people won’t discuss the topic with you, here’s a hint as to why: your language gives you away as someone who doesn’t care to educate yourself or be sensitive to language and how it’s perceived. Transgender is an adjective. It’s not a noun. It cannot be plural. They’re not transgenders, they’re transgender people or trans people. That you don’t even care enough to use the proper language shows that you’re not interested in having a frank, honest and sensitive conversation about the topic, rather than sharing your version of the truth as you feel it should be.

It would be like if you keep trying to have a conversation with Ellie about her experiences, and you feel like she won’t listen or take advice because she is such a snowflake, but really she’s tired of you calling her Ellie while her name is Ella. How can she take you seriously if you won’t even bother to identify her properly?