Confused about relationship between being transgender and gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin was born male. Cousin now informed the family that he identifies as a female. Also announced that he and his wife of 20 years are planning to stay together. So my question is this: is my cousin now gay, since he is now a she in a relationship with a woman? Does it matter that he hasn’t had surgery? What about his wife - if she stays with him ans he is now a she, is she now gay? Thanks for helping me understand.

If your cousin identifies as female, than it would be “SHE and HER wife are committed to staying together.”

And yes, that is a lesbian relationship.

Is this upsetting to you in some way, op? Other than some pronoun confusion, it really doesn’t affect you, does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s not ignore the reality that, in most relationships, the man is in financial control. Your cousin‘s wife may not be in a position to leave the marriage without dramatically affecting her quality of life and standard of living. If they have children, she might end up having to share custody and seeing less of her own children all because her husband pulled the rug out from under her with this announcement. None of that makes her “lesbian.” It does make her a deeply sympathetic victim of an extremely unfair dynamic.

What a weird set of assumptions. It’s almost like … projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband were to suddenly decide today that he was a woman, I would stay with him and It would have nothing to do with sexual preference. I love him and we've been married forever and very little could change that.

This happened to me. My spouse identified as a woman when we got married and then came out as a trans man a few years ago. We're still together. I'm not "gay" because I'm not attracted to men, including him (the relationship is no longer sexual), but I still love him and our family deeply. I took a vow for life and I'll do best to honor that.

To answer the OP's question, that's one scenario where no, the orientations don't change, but it's really case by case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin was born male. Cousin now informed the family that he identifies as a female. Also announced that he and his wife of 20 years are planning to stay together. So my question is this: is my cousin now gay, since he is now a she in a relationship with a woman? Does it matter that he hasn’t had surgery? What about his wife - if she stays with him ans he is now a she, is she now gay? Thanks for helping me understand.

If your cousin identifies as female, than it would be “SHE and HER wife are committed to staying together.”

And yes, that is a lesbian relationship.

Is this upsetting to you in some way, op? Other than some pronoun confusion, it really doesn’t affect you, does it?

I am a lesbian. It does not involve sexual attraction to biological males in any way.

[Anonymous]

The wife is now Skoliosexual assuming they still have sex.

Lesbians is a term used for women attracted to cis-gender women.

[Anonymous]

Gender identity and sexual preference are two different things. Traditionally they have been connected: Men that are attracted to women are considered heterosexual. Men that are attracted to men are considered homosexual.

That is no longer always the case with people who are trans.

Try to separate it in your mind -- gender identity and sexual preference are two separate and different things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband were to suddenly decide today that he was a woman, I would stay with him and It would have nothing to do with sexual preference. I love him and we've been married forever and very little could change that.

This happened to me. My spouse identified as a woman when we got married and then came out as a trans man a few years ago. We're still together. I'm not "gay" because I'm not attracted to men, including him (the relationship is no longer sexual), but I still love him and our family deeply. I took a vow for life and I'll do best to honor that.

To answer the OP's question, that's one scenario where no, the orientations don't change, but it's really case by case.

So, your spouse’s one-sided decision has effectively made you involuntarily celibate for life, or do you have an open relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband were to suddenly decide today that he was a woman, I would stay with him and It would have nothing to do with sexual preference. I love him and we've been married forever and very little could change that.

This happened to me. My spouse identified as a woman when we got married and then came out as a trans man a few years ago. We're still together. I'm not "gay" because I'm not attracted to men, including him (the relationship is no longer sexual), but I still love him and our family deeply. I took a vow for life and I'll do best to honor that.

To answer the OP's question, that's one scenario where no, the orientations don't change, but it's really case by case.

So, your spouse’s one-sided decision has effectively made you involuntarily celibate for life, or do you have an open relationship?

It's not a one-sided decision, because I chose to stay. We're open though to answer that question.

[Anonymous]

They are two different things. I heard the difference described this way:

One is who you are when you go to bed

The other is who you choose to go to bed with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband were to suddenly decide today that he was a woman, I would stay with him and It would have nothing to do with sexual preference. I love him and we've been married forever and very little could change that.

This happened to me. My spouse identified as a woman when we got married and then came out as a trans man a few years ago. We're still together. I'm not "gay" because I'm not attracted to men, including him (the relationship is no longer sexual), but I still love him and our family deeply. I took a vow for life and I'll do best to honor that.

To answer the OP's question, that's one scenario where no, the orientations don't change, but it's really case by case.

So, your spouse’s one-sided decision has effectively made you involuntarily celibate for life, or do you have an open relationship?

It's not a one-sided decision, because I chose to stay. We're open though to answer that question.

Ah, so this is more like opting to stay with a beloved roommate. You’re not intimate with this person, but are having sex with other people. Well, at least you’re enjoying your life. It would have been beyond tragic if you were choosing to stay in a dynamic in which you’re having no sex at all for the rest of your life so your spouse can live as they please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband were to suddenly decide today that he was a woman, I would stay with him and It would have nothing to do with sexual preference. I love him and we've been married forever and very little could change that.

This happened to me. My spouse identified as a woman when we got married and then came out as a trans man a few years ago. We're still together. I'm not "gay" because I'm not attracted to men, including him (the relationship is no longer sexual), but I still love him and our family deeply. I took a vow for life and I'll do best to honor that.

To answer the OP's question, that's one scenario where no, the orientations don't change, but it's really case by case.

So, your spouse’s one-sided decision has effectively made you involuntarily celibate for life, or do you have an open relationship?

It's not a one-sided decision, because I chose to stay. We're open though to answer that question.

Ah, so this is more like opting to stay with a beloved roommate. You’re not intimate with this person, but are having sex with other people. Well, at least you’re enjoying your life. It would have been beyond tragic if you were choosing to stay in a dynamic in which you’re having no sex at all for the rest of your life so your spouse can live as they please.

If it is a choice, it isn't tragic. If they both felt completely fulfilled, regardless of who is or is not having sex with who, it is fine.

[Anonymous]

What does it matter? They love each other, they’re staying together. I guess that technically makes them a gay couple. But really, they’re partners. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband were to suddenly decide today that he was a woman, I would stay with him and It would have nothing to do with sexual preference. I love him and we've been married forever and very little could change that.

This happened to me. My spouse identified as a woman when we got married and then came out as a trans man a few years ago. We're still together. I'm not "gay" because I'm not attracted to men, including him (the relationship is no longer sexual), but I still love him and our family deeply. I took a vow for life and I'll do best to honor that.

To answer the OP's question, that's one scenario where no, the orientations don't change, but it's really case by case.

So, your spouse’s one-sided decision has effectively made you involuntarily celibate for life, or do you have an open relationship?

How many hetero couples do you know who do NOT have a sexual relationship?? This is common. Also myob.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so messed up. Here you have someone who is trying to understand and all everyone says in myob. Wtf. Then these same ppl get raged at for not being ‘informed”. Well the best exposure to ALL things is through family. People are so touchy when it comes to trans/ sexual relationships. If your opinion really is myob, that’s fine, but don’t get upset if ppl aren’t as “informed” or accepting as YOU may like

[Anonymous]

Answering OP's question, the reason so many posters are saying it's impossible to answer or depends on the couple is because there's such a huge variation in the way married couples respond to one partner transitioning. There are a bunch of married couples with one cis and one trans wife who have vow renewal ceremonies with two brides-- google for some really sweet wedding photos. Many of the cis wives were bisexual to start with or are happily out and proud to now be n a lesbian relationship. Some couples have a strong fixed orientation that just does not and can't include the trans partner's new gender, and they either split up, or radically change their relationship to a platonic one like the straight PP who is in a platonic domestic partnership with his husband. Other men in his situation with different sexual orientations stay with their husbands and often identify as "straight except for my spouse" or bi. It's pretty common among lesbian couples where one partner transitions to male, and they stay together in a fully sexual relationship for the wife to keep identifying as a lesbian, with her husband as her one male exception. That happens with straight women and their trans wives, too-- the cisgender wives don't identify as gay or bi, but their orientation has expanded to include their spouse.

I don't think people are saying you can't know to shut you down or do myob finger-wagging-- it's just such a complicated issue, and one that every couple treats differently. You really can't know until you get some input from your cousin and her wife about how they're doing things.