A question for MILs/grandmothers: In your own words, why do you favor certain grandkids?

[Anonymous]

I have favorite children - nieces, nephews, grands, neighbors. Some kids are more likable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve watched my MIL play favorites toward my SIL’s kids for many years. It’s usually not blatant, but it’s still clear. I’d like to hear from the MIL’s / grandmothers themselves. Do you think it’s ok to do this? Are you aware you’re doing it? Do you care how it’s perceived by the children? By their parents?

"Your son is you son until he takes a wife but your daughter is your daughter all your life.". Are you nice to your MIL? Are your children nice when they visit or are they brats? There are lots of reasons.

[Anonymous]

It would be interesting to hear from actual grandparents, but I agree that most are too oblivious to recognize what they are doing. Certainly that’s the case with my MIL, who has an image of herself as a kind and thoughtful person that is often at odds with her behavior.

MIL definitely started out by favoring the children of her favorite child, DH’s younger brother. Our oldest son is almost the exact age as his. MIL visited our nephew 3-4 times a week throughout the first year of their lives, often without FIL, and she saw ours maybe 4 times total, two of which were holiday events that I hosted. Shortly before the boys turned 1, we were out to dinner with MIL and FIL, and she seemed set on spending the whole meal talking about our nephew while FIL tried and failed to drag the conversation into appropriate social channels. I finally interrupted her to say she was going to make our kid jealous if she kept talking about the nephew, and she said “Oh, you know I love them both equally, it’s just that their house is right on my way home from work, so it’s easy to pop by!” At that point I not very graciously pointed out that we live less than a mile from MIL and FIL’s house and that she drives by ours on the way home from work too.

She’s more interested in my kids as they’ve gotten older because they have had academic and/or athletic accomplishments that she enjoys bragging about on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

It seems super unrealistic to expect anyone to like each of any group of people (even if they're children) equally. Add that older people just care less about what they're supposed to do and this all just seems normal to me.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids LOVES to snuggle up with her grandma and read together, always wants to sit next to her at meals, has said she wishes they had matching nightgowns, writes Grandma letters randomly, always wants to send her postcards when we're on a trip. She's of course polite to her grandpa, but more in a "And how is your husband coming along, Grandma?" sort of way. My other kids are happy to see their grandparents, and will be pleased if we're getting together with them, but won't ask to call because "it's been four days - we have so much to catch up on!" the way the one who is obsessed will.

So naturally Grandma loves that granddaughter best. I don't blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a closer relationship with your SIL than with your DH, therefore more access to the children, and thus a closer relationship with them?

See, this is always the common justification and I call BS. A fully grow woman should know better than to give young children in equal amounts of love, attention, and gifts. It’s just heinous to do that to young children who don’t understand the “I’m closer to my daughter” context. FFS, woman, learn some etiquette.

My MIL really tries to keep things equal but she obviously prefer’s her daughter’s kids to mine (and her son’s). The other grandkids are being raised more standard for now - phones, iPads, lots and lots of activities, only eat “kid” foods, etc, like a Disney tv show’s version of how kids should be and that’s how MIL thinks kids should be. We’re rearing our children differently and I think my MIL struggles to find common ground with my kids. But her daughter has also made a complete mess of her life at points and my MIL has had to step in as backup, so I think she feels like she has to be there for them, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to hear from actual grandparents, but I agree that most are too oblivious to recognize what they are doing. Certainly that’s the case with my MIL, who has an image of herself as a kind and thoughtful person that is often at odds with her behavior.

MIL definitely started out by favoring the children of her favorite child, DH’s younger brother. Our oldest son is almost the exact age as his. MIL visited our nephew 3-4 times a week throughout the first year of their lives, often without FIL, and she saw ours maybe 4 times total, two of which were holiday events that I hosted. Shortly before the boys turned 1, we were out to dinner with MIL and FIL, and she seemed set on spending the whole meal talking about our nephew while FIL tried and failed to drag the conversation into appropriate social channels. I finally interrupted her to say she was going to make our kid jealous if she kept talking about the nephew, and she said “Oh, you know I love them both equally, it’s just that their house is right on my way home from work, so it’s easy to pop by!” At that point I not very graciously pointed out that we live less than a mile from MIL and FIL’s house and that she drives by ours on the way home from work too.

She’s more interested in my kids as they’ve gotten older because they have had academic and/or athletic accomplishments that she enjoys bragging about on Facebook.

Damn. Grandma’s cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a closer relationship with your SIL than with your DH, therefore more access to the children, and thus a closer relationship with them?

See, this is always the common justification and I call BS. A fully grow woman should know better than to give young children in equal amounts of love, attention, and gifts. It’s just heinous to do that to young children who don’t understand the “I’m closer to my daughter” context. FFS, woman, learn some etiquette.

My MIL really tries to keep things equal but she obviously prefer’s her daughter’s kids to mine (and her son’s). The other grandkids are being raised more standard for now - phones, iPads, lots and lots of activities, only eat “kid” foods, etc, like a Disney tv show’s version of how kids should be and that’s how MIL thinks kids should be. We’re rearing our children differently and I think my MIL struggles to find common ground with my kids. But her daughter has also made a complete mess of her life at points and my MIL has had to step in as backup, so I think she feels like she has to be there for them, too.

Oh and your kids of course aren’t like those uncultured ipad loving hotdog eating other kids

[Anonymous]

My parents are equally disinterested in their three grandkids. My ex in laws prefer their other son’s kid for many reasons but it’s not in our face so it’s not hurtful.
I sincerely love my two nephews the same. There aren’t any glaring differences between them.

[Anonymous]

DCUM: where we hate our out of touch, bigoted inflexible MIL who raised a son that doesn’t do anything around the house and is a crappy husband. Where MILs universally need to learn to respect boundaries. Where we hate hosting our ILs or going to our ILs for the holidays. Where we “can’t even” with our MIL any more so we make our MIL communicate with her son only. Where as terrible as MIL is, our own mothers are so much better and we spend all our time with and host our own extended family. Except for our brothers who married crappy women who treat our family like crap and they are estranged from our family. And by the way, we can’t explain why MIL favors her other grandkids over our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has 8 total grandkids and favors my oldest. It isn't super obvious, but relatives have commented on it. In our case it just comes down to MIL and my daughter being the most similar and sharing the same hobbies. They both love to bake, crafting, gardening, etc. My daughter is basically a 70 yr old in a 12 year old's body.

She sounds lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems super unrealistic to expect anyone to like each of any group of people (even if they're children) equally. Add that older people just care less about what they're supposed to do and this all just seems normal to me.

Yes, perhaps it’s unrealistic. What shouldn’t be so damn difficult for these old ladies, though, is to spread the love, even if just the appearance of it, equally. You know, like at work. Good managers don’t show their favorite team member any special treatment because it’s demoralizing to others. They’re supportive, caring, and encouraging all around, because that’s what good managers do.

So if your MIL is playing favorites to your SILs kids, feel free to opt out of any elder care responsibilities. She wasn’t a good manager to your team when it mattered.

[Anonymous]

My mom definitely favors my sister’s daughter. She couldn’t make it more obvious if she tried that she liked my niece more than my daughter. They have birthdays close together and my mom posted a glowing, over the top happy birthday wish to my niece with like 20 pictures. Then for my DD, it was basically like “happy birthday, I hope it’s a great day” with 3 pictures, 1 of which was of my niece (alone, not like with my DD).

My mom is a pretty sh*tty person and grandma. Thank god my MIL is obsessed with my DD.

[Anonymous]

My MIL favors her first grandchild. She has said it herself and has made it clear in her will. Nothing we can do so my dh and I just have to deal with it. We are trying really hard not to have the kids know, but we can’t keep it hidden forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems super unrealistic to expect anyone to like each of any group of people (even if they're children) equally. Add that older people just care less about what they're supposed to do and this all just seems normal to me.

Yes, perhaps it’s unrealistic. What shouldn’t be so damn difficult for these old ladies, though, is to spread the love, even if just the appearance of it, equally. You know, like at work. Good managers don’t show their favorite team member any special treatment because it’s demoralizing to others. They’re supportive, caring, and encouraging all around, because that’s what good managers do.

So if your MIL is playing favorites to your SILs kids, feel free to opt out of any elder care responsibilities. She wasn’t a good manager to your team when it mattered.

+1 to all of this.