A question for MILs/grandmothers: In your own words, why do you favor certain grandkids?

[Anonymous]

I’ve watched my MIL play favorites toward my SIL’s kids for many years. It’s usually not blatant, but it’s still clear. I’d like to hear from the MIL’s / grandmothers themselves. Do you think it’s ok to do this? Are you aware you’re doing it? Do you care how it’s perceived by the children? By their parents?

[Anonymous]

I doubt the have the self-awareness to answer. It's a sign of being emotionally immature just like the parents who plan Golden Child/Scapegoat. Emotionally mature people are too self-reflective and empathetic to do this.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a closer relationship with your SIL than with your DH, therefore more access to the children, and thus a closer relationship with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a closer relationship with your SIL than with your DH, therefore more access to the children, and thus a closer relationship with them?

See, this is always the common justification and I call BS. A fully grow woman should know better than to give young children in equal amounts of love, attention, and gifts. It’s just heinous to do that to young children who don’t understand the “I’m closer to my daughter” context. FFS, woman, learn some etiquette.

[Anonymous]

My parents love all their grandkids to pieces, but I do think they like two more than the other. The third is definitely a much harder child, mean to her sibling and very defiant. They love and care for her and treat all the kids equally between the two families, but one child is just harder. FWIW, all three are elementary schoolers.

I used to tell my parents that I knew they loved both me and my brother but it was clear that they liked him better. Sometimes it really is just personality driven.

[Anonymous]

There can be perfectly valid reasons, OP.

My MIL prefers her oldest grandchild, because his mother could not care for him as a newborn, and she did. In many ways, he's like a very young, last child for her.
My MIL also babysat four other grandkids who lived next to her when they were in elementary school.

My own children came much later, when she was old and sick, and we live on a different continent.

In that context, I can totally understand why she doesn't have as much of a relationship with my kids. It's fine. We love her anyway.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents and my parents clearly favor the first child of each of their children. It makes me CRAZY!!!

[Anonymous]

If we are being fundamentally honest, it's difficult not to have favorites among children, grandchildren and other family members, as well as friends. It's interesting that people take hard the notion of a favorite child or grandchild but don't make a fuss over a favorite niece or cousin, as if that is somehow different and justifiable. Look - do you have a favorite parent or sibling or grandparent? It goes both ways too.

I can see many reasons why a grandparent would seem to have a favorite set of grandchildren. Some of it has to do with proximity. Grandparents who see the grandchildren who live in the same town all the time versus grandchildren who live on the opposite coast and visit only once a year - of course it's going to affect how the relationships develop. And grandchildren themselves do greatly vary as people themselves do greatly vary. Some are just nicer, some may remind the grandparent of themselves as children while others don't. Culture certainly plays a role too.

[Anonymous]

My MIL only has 2 grandchildren (my kids) so she has equal access to both kids and no other competing grandkids from another child. She still clearly favors the first born who is a boy. I am not sure she is aware of it but it is obvious to most others. My son has a strong resemblance to her son and my daughter has a strong resemblance to my side of the family. This is something my MIL comments on a lot. I have no idea if that somehow plays into it. Interestingly, her mother did the same thing with my husband and his sister. His sister still talks about it as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve watched my MIL play favorites toward my SIL’s kids for many years. It’s usually not blatant, but it’s still clear. I’d like to hear from the MIL’s / grandmothers themselves. Do you think it’s ok to do this? Are you aware you’re doing it? Do you care how it’s perceived by the children? By their parents?

My mom goes the extra mile to make sure nobody is the favorite however, I know that in her heart, my kids are favorites. My dad blatantly favors my kids but I'm also his favorite child and only girl. My ILs love my nieces the most because they are their daughter's children. So, in our families, the daughters' offspring are favorites.
I'm curious to see the patern in families with only girls or boys. I have only boys but mine are young. My grandparents DNGAF about any of the grandkids, so their disinterest was shared equitably.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has 8 total grandkids and favors my oldest. It isn't super obvious, but relatives have commented on it. In our case it just comes down to MIL and my daughter being the most similar and sharing the same hobbies. They both love to bake, crafting, gardening, etc. My daughter is basically a 70 yr old in a 12 year old's body.

[Anonymous]

I think old people no longer care about what you or others think of them. This extends to this kind of thing where they are hurting people's feelings (and may not even realize it.)

But with age, the filter is tossed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has 8 total grandkids and favors my oldest. It isn't super obvious, but relatives have commented on it. In our case it just comes down to MIL and my daughter being the most similar and sharing the same hobbies. They both love to bake, crafting, gardening, etc. My daughter is basically a 70 yr old in a 12 year old's body.

this made me smile. How special for both of them!

[Anonymous]

i think it is shitty to so obviously favor some children over others, but i understand that they could have favorites. i have friends that i like more than other friends. i even like one of my kids more than the other at times, but both of them think they are the favorite, so i guess it isn't blatant.

i think my kids are probably the favorites of their grandparents. one, because, she barely sees the others, and, the other, because of firstborn and personality. she loves them all like crazy though, so nobody would ever think anyone is the favorite.

as far as with gifting and things, i think that should be equal, as that is not hard to do.

[Anonymous]

I have seen this type of favoritism by grandparents in my own culture, particularly when there are lots of grandchildren. For example, my grandparents took care of me when I was one years old and lived with them for 2 years. So I was in effect my grandmother's last "child." My grandfather favored his only two grandsons that carried on his last name. Plus, they had 17 grandchildren over their 7 kids.

OTOH, my ILs only have 4 grandkids (2 from their one son and 2 from my DH), and I would say that my MIL prefers her other two over ours. I have heard her ooh and aah over her one other granddaughter's pic (even trying to show me pics on her phone) while making comments about while my DD looks like their side, my DS looks nothing like them. I believe that it's b/c her other grandkids are fully white, while ours are only half white.