Want a third kid despite all reason

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret not having a 3rd but your feelings are valid, if unexplainable. I don't know if the root is hormones or something else but I feel the same as you. We should not want another, don't like babies or pregnancy but just want another kid. I just try not to dwell on those irrational desires but they are there.

NP here. How long should it take to not regret it? OP, everyone is right that if your husband isn’t on board, it’s a no. But for me it’s been several years and I still long for a third. I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be glad we stopped at 2.

I knew a woman with two wonderful teen daughters who really wished she had had a third.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids and am firmly staying with only 2.

I am still sometimes a twinge jealous about people who have 3. Mainly I am jealous they aren't as burned out by 2 kids as I am and they want to have another! But it's not about THEM. My life is best with only 2. I am at my max, and I want to be the best mom I can be to the 2 kids I already have. I feel very sure having a 3rd will make that harder, so I am not going to do it.

So my rational side beats out the emotional "ooh look at that baby" feelings.

Eh, I know a few families with 3 kids. The working mothers with demanding jobs dump them in daycare or with a nanny all day. The SAHMs just let everything go and suck at doing anything. The working moms with flexible jobs try to work and be great moms and result in being super burnt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your husband. No pressure. Tell him where you are at. See where he is at.

I do think hormones do play a huge part of this, but it doesn’t mean you have to just ignore it.

Agree. This warrants a discussion. Has he had second thoughts about not wanting a third? Does he think finances could be stretched? You might be persuaded by his thinking or vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids and am firmly staying with only 2.

I am still sometimes a twinge jealous about people who have 3. Mainly I am jealous they aren't as burned out by 2 kids as I am and they want to have another! But it's not about THEM. My life is best with only 2. I am at my max, and I want to be the best mom I can be to the 2 kids I already have. I feel very sure having a 3rd will make that harder, so I am not going to do it.

So my rational side beats out the emotional "ooh look at that baby" feelings.

Eh, I know a few families with 3 kids. The working mothers with demanding jobs dump them in daycare or with a nanny all day. The SAHMs just let everything go and suck at doing anything. The working moms with flexible jobs try to work and be great moms and result in being super burnt out.

I haven’t found this to be true. I have two kids but two good friends each have three. Their kids are with the nanny as much as mine are (9-5m-f). I do think some moms actually do have the patience and higher energy levels for more kids. I’m good with two but I don’t see my friends as struggling to make it work with 3, they seem to enjoy it.

OP, I think you should stop at two if you and your DH discuss it and really decide that’s what’s best for your family. I don’t think you have to stop at two because of some assumption that 3 kids is an impossible number to care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to a friend who has 2- I have 2. We both wanted 3. In my case DH was adamantly against having a 3rd in her case it never ended up making sense for their family- they were overwhelmed and had other stuff going on. Now that her oldest is in middle school and our others are starting to creep up to the end of elementary, we are glad we stopped at 2. We were saying the challenges change but bigger kid challenges are still challenges. Her and I are both very active parts of our kids lives, volunteering, etc. We both work but feel we are at capacity with being able to give our kids what they need while still maintaining a life outside of them. My worries are different now that I have older kids.. things are just so much simpler when they are the age yours are and you can’t foresee the challenges when the rose colored glasses come off and the big kid-pre-teen problems start to appear.

Might be worth having another discussion with your DH, and if he is a pretty hard no, try to move to acceptance or put your focus on other things that fulfill you.

This so many people don't think beyond the little kid stage. That doesn't even cover finances. And what if 3 becomes 4. What if it's just 3, but that 3 has special needs do you have the bandwidth for that, does your DH?

[Anonymous]

I wanted 3 and we have 3 but it’s DH that keeps bringing up wanting a 4th. I try to remind him that we’ve been lucky to have relatively easy, healthy kids and I’ve been lucky to have healthy pregnancies and uncomplicated deliveries. Babies are cute but saving to put another child through college, supporting another child through school and activities etc would stretch us too thin, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids and am firmly staying with only 2.

I am still sometimes a twinge jealous about people who have 3. Mainly I am jealous they aren't as burned out by 2 kids as I am and they want to have another! But it's not about THEM. My life is best with only 2. I am at my max, and I want to be the best mom I can be to the 2 kids I already have. I feel very sure having a 3rd will make that harder, so I am not going to do it.

So my rational side beats out the emotional "ooh look at that baby" feelings.

Eh, I know a few families with 3 kids. The working mothers with demanding jobs dump them in daycare or with a nanny all day. The SAHMs just let everything go and suck at doing anything. The working moms with flexible jobs try to work and be great moms and result in being super burnt out.

I haven’t found this to be true. I have two kids but two good friends each have three. Their kids are with the nanny as much as mine are (9-5m-f). I do think some moms actually do have the patience and higher energy levels for more kids. I’m good with two but I don’t see my friends as struggling to make it work with 3, they seem to enjoy it.

OP, I think you should stop at two if you and your DH discuss it and really decide that’s what’s best for your family. I don’t think you have to stop at two because of some assumption that 3 kids is an impossible number to care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just sit with the feeling for a bit. If you do decide you want a 3rd, it's ok to wait a year.

I find 1.5 year olds to be deceiving. They are so cute, past the infant stage, but haven't hit full toddler nightmare yet. By age 2 normally that comes swooping in. 1 year olds are really terrific in a lot of ways. 2 and 3 year olds? No.

This. So much this. I have a just turned 3 yo and a 5 yo and I have never been this tired, drained, and miserable. I cannot fathom how anyone has a 3rd on purpose. I literally cannot describe the exhaustion. I am so tired. So so so so so tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just sit with the feeling for a bit. If you do decide you want a 3rd, it's ok to wait a year.

I find 1.5 year olds to be deceiving. They are so cute, past the infant stage, but haven't hit full toddler nightmare yet. By age 2 normally that comes swooping in. 1 year olds are really terrific in a lot of ways. 2 and 3 year olds? No.

This. So much this. I have a just turned 3 yo and a 5 yo and I have never been this tired, drained, and miserable. I cannot fathom how anyone has a 3rd on purpose. I literally cannot describe the exhaustion. I am so tired. So so so so so tired.

Funny, I find the stage between 2 and 3,5 to be the most adorable and fun by far! Of course older kids are easier to have fun with but older toddlers can walk, run and communicate and they are so in awe with the world, it's contagious. I might have to foster some toddlers when, inshallah, my kids go to college.

[Anonymous]

I felt our family was complete when we had our 4th. I had to nudge DH several times to agree to number 4. We had initially only really thought we were going to have 3.

It’s not a biological urge that overwhelms us to have lots of babies - I held off having any until my 30s, and I also hated being pregnant and loved my babies but am not a baby person in general.

My youngest is now 4 and we are very happy to be done with babies/toddlers and enjoy them growing up.

Finally, having a child is never a good financial decision - kids cost money, they don’t make you any money, so it’s never good for your pocketbook to have a child. You have them because your heart wants them more than it wants the other things you could be doing with your money. We are well off, but if we didn’t have kids, or only had one or two, we would probably be retiring in our early 50s. Instead we will work into our mid to late 60s. Totally worth it to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt our family was complete when we had our 4th. I had to nudge DH several times to agree to number 4. We had initially only really thought we were going to have 3.

It’s not a biological urge that overwhelms us to have lots of babies - I held off having any until my 30s, and I also hated being pregnant and loved my babies but am not a baby person in general.

My youngest is now 4 and we are very happy to be done with babies/toddlers and enjoy them growing up.

Finally, having a child is never a good financial decision - kids cost money, they don’t make you any money, so it’s never good for your pocketbook to have a child. You have them because your heart wants them more than it wants the other things you could be doing with your money. We are well off, but if we didn’t have kids, or only had one or two, we would probably be retiring in our early 50s. Instead we will work into our mid to late 60s. Totally worth it to us.

You definitely should take finances into account when having kids. such as if stopping at 2 means your kids can go to college and not have to depend on loans like they would if you had 3 or 4 you should stop at 2. If stopping at 2 means your and DH can finance your elder years care in a way that you couldn't if you had 3 or 4 you should stop at 2.

There's also the developmental cost and there is no way you can be adequately attentive to 3+ children, someone ( or multiple someones) will be lost in the shuffle and something important will be missed. All dor what? Because you were greedy/

[Anonymous]

We have 3 and I’m sooooo grateful we did! DH was reluctant but agreed (trade off as he got a lifestyle choice that was very important to him). I also felt strongly that we weren’t done at two. Our 3rd completed our family and I felt that strongly. DH says all the time “you were right!”

[Anonymous]

PP again. I think I would have always felt that longing if we hadn’t had our third.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 and I’m sooooo grateful we did! DH was reluctant but agreed (trade off as he got a lifestyle choice that was very important to him). I also felt strongly that we weren’t done at two. Our 3rd completed our family and I felt that strongly. DH says all the time “you were right!”

I love chocolate and dogs. I feel like I could always eat another piece of chocolate or have another dog, but I don't just keep collecting them because I like them I realize doing so would not be beneficial to me or the dogs I currently have or the ones I'm thinking about adding.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you revisit this in a couple years or is time not on your side?