Realistically how often do you think people overlook cheating?

[Anonymous]

When I was first married, I would have said “no way!” Fifteen years in? It honestly wouldn’t bother me that much if either of us scratched the novelty itch every once in awhile. Neither of us are that insecure anymore.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

Yes. I know of two. Yes, they were caught. Yes, the stayed married. Yes, the affair did not stop.

Man broke it off, rather brutally. He’s still married. She’s not. She had the feels. He did not.

Similar. They were not caught. The cheater husband confessed everything to the wife after he dumped the AP and cut off all contact.

Married women are almost always about exit affairs. Men not at all. Like several men in this thread, if they got divorced it would not be for the AP. They would go out and enjoy unencumbered single life.

[Anonymous]

More often than folk would like to admit. People don't want to easily give up social status, homes, splitting time with children. Divorce is a huge life disruption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH cheated extensively. I did not “overlook” it; I viewed it as the red flag it was. He asked me to remain in the relationship, and I agreed if he got extensive individual therapy, went to AA and ended the infidelities. He could not, so I stopped sleeping with him and when I was ready, I kicked him out.

You may consider that “overlooking”. I do not.

+1

My best friend stayed, but certainly did not overlook it. When she found out, she kicked her DH for a couple weeks. He went into individual therapy twice per week, did group therapy for awhile too, quit social drinking/all drinking, etc. He changed a lot and addressed his problems. He switched to WAH. There is 100% transparency and he picked up the slack on the home front. He’s now the one that grocery shops, plans meals, etc. She didn’t ask him for any of it. He took this all on by himself. They are doing great now. But, only I know what happened. She didn’t tell anyone else and she was a total mess emotionally upon finding out because it was a complete blind-side, one of those great matches, happy couples pp talk about.

So- one might think just because the betrayed partner didn’t leave that they are over-looking it. In all cases I know, it’s understood if it ever happened again- it would be over. There is no blind eye being turned.

+100

Staying does NOT mean it’s being overlooked. In fact, some are actively staring it in the face every waking moment. Consequences, change and all.

[Anonymous]

A ton. My grandma recently spilled the beans about all the cheaters in our family. Divorce wasn’t an option in the 60s, or it was super rare. Our family divorce rate is way lower than the national average, however the cheating rate is way above 50%.

I’m guessing only 20% are actually happy and faithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH cheated extensively. I did not “overlook” it; I viewed it as the red flag it was. He asked me to remain in the relationship, and I agreed if he got extensive individual therapy, went to AA and ended the infidelities. He could not, so I stopped sleeping with him and when I was ready, I kicked him out.

You may consider that “overlooking”. I do not.

+1

My best friend stayed, but certainly did not overlook it. When she found out, she kicked her DH for a couple weeks. He went into individual therapy twice per week, did group therapy for awhile too, quit social drinking/all drinking, etc. He changed a lot and addressed his problems. He switched to WAH. There is 100% transparency and he picked up the slack on the home front. He’s now the one that grocery shops, plans meals, etc. She didn’t ask him for any of it. He took this all on by himself. They are doing great now. But, only I know what happened. She didn’t tell anyone else and she was a total mess emotionally upon finding out because it was a complete blind-side, one of those great matches, happy couples pp talk about.

So- one might think just because the betrayed partner didn’t leave that they are over-looking it. In all cases I know, it’s understood if it ever happened again- it would be over. There is no blind eye being turned.

+100

Staying does NOT mean it’s being overlooked. In fact, some are actively staring it in the face every waking moment. Consequences, change and all.

In a 50-year+ marriage that is good—a short period of time/a blip— is what that dirty matter was. Is 1-2 years out of 48 years, if it’s a happy compatible and loving fun marriage enough to throw out everything when the work and change was done? It can make the relationship stronger when all us almost lost and then rebuilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A ton. My grandma recently spilled the beans about all the cheaters in our family. Divorce wasn’t an option in the 60s, or it was super rare. Our family divorce rate is way lower than the national average, however the cheating rate is way above 50%.

I’m guessing only 20% are actually happy and faithful.

The cheating rate has always been around 65% for long marriages. That’s nothing new. So many never get discovered too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More often than folk would like to admit. People don't want to easily give up social status, homes, splitting time with children. Divorce is a huge life disruption.

I agree with this. However, personally I never saw any increased social status in marriage and I found getting married to be much more of a “life disrupter” than a divorce…I do understand though that for most people it is a disrupter. I think the house and fear of losing time with kids is the biggest reason though. But honestly, if both parents work, I do not see that much less time in divorce than when I was married. Feels about the same to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A ton. My grandma recently spilled the beans about all the cheaters in our family. Divorce wasn’t an option in the 60s, or it was super rare. Our family divorce rate is way lower than the national average, however the cheating rate is way above 50%.

I’m guessing only 20% are actually happy and faithful.

!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

Yes. I know of two. Yes, they were caught. Yes, the stayed married. Yes, the affair did not stop.

Woman always gets the shaft in the end.
Man broke it off, rather brutally. He’s still married. She’s not. She had the feels. He did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

Yes. I know of two. Yes, they were caught. Yes, the stayed married. Yes, the affair did not stop.

Man broke it off, rather brutally. He’s still married. She’s not. She had the feels. He did not.

Is that what DH told you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A ton. My grandma recently spilled the beans about all the cheaters in our family. Divorce wasn’t an option in the 60s, or it was super rare. Our family divorce rate is way lower than the national average, however the cheating rate is way above 50%.

I’m guessing only 20% are actually happy and faithful.

!!!!

NP here, I would have said the same - maybe 25% of marriages are truly happy and faithful. Half end in divorce and about half of the rest exist in some state of "not super happy with him/her but not so bad that it's worth destroying finances, disrupt the kids, etc"

To the person throwing exclamation marks, my guess is you are young. Wait till mid-40s and later and survey your close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

Yes. I know of two. Yes, they were caught. Yes, the stayed married. Yes, the affair did not stop.

Man broke it off, rather brutally. He’s still married. She’s not. She had the feels. He did not.

Is that what DH told you?

No. She did. She’s a friend. He said some really horrible things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A ton. My grandma recently spilled the beans about all the cheaters in our family. Divorce wasn’t an option in the 60s, or it was super rare. Our family divorce rate is way lower than the national average, however the cheating rate is way above 50%.

I’m guessing only 20% are actually happy and faithful.

!!!!

NP here, I would have said the same - maybe 25% of marriages are truly happy and faithful. Half end in divorce and about half of the rest exist in some state of "not super happy with him/her but not so bad that it's worth destroying finances, disrupt the kids, etc"

To the person throwing exclamation marks, my guess is you are young. Wait till mid-40s and later and survey your close friends.

Mid 40s is the bottom of the happiness curve. The worst.

It climbs up again.

Long marriages have phases. The problem with so many is they get out at first discord or they think it will always be like that.

I have so many people tell me how it got wonderful again as kids grew up and left and they had more time again. The key is getting through the lie times without blowing everything up and losing all connection.

If you had role models that would have told you this 20 years ago, before walking down the aisle. It’s not a fairy tale where you say I do and it’s always sunshine and unicorns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More often than folk would like to admit. People don't want to easily give up social status, homes, splitting time with children. Divorce is a huge life disruption.

^^^ this is the lie OW tell themselves when they can’t face the fact their AP loves his wife.