Realistically how often do you think people overlook cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two sets of friends who remained married after infidelity was discovered. One set was cordial and by all appearances, seemed happy in spite. Now divorcing because of continued infidelity. The other couple are staying together “for the kids,” sexless marriage and all that. The wife had a revenge affair, I’m not sure whether the husband found out.

Pro tip. There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. The husband is definitely having sex somewhere.

Pro tip: you don’t use a period after saying “pro tip.”

Another pro tip: many people are in sexless marriages and don’t have affairs. Just because you can’t imagine doing something difficult because the easy path violates your morals doesn’t mean other people are like that. Probably hard for you to imagine though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are happily married for decades. We have both had lapses of infidelity, sometimes emotional infidelity sometimes physical.

Each of the incidents have happened at times when we were personally struggling to meet some need. We both did it. We both get it. It happened years ago, we've moved past it. It doesn't mean our marriage isn't solid, it's gotten better with age. I think it's a sign of true love that we can forgive and move on.

I think this is a problematic way to frame infidelity. I really deeply loved my now exDH, but I also didn’t know about the extraordinary, frequent lies he was telling me so that he could have sex with and engage in other sexual (but non-intercourse) activities. No matter how deeply I loved him, I was not going to “move past it”, “forgive” or “move on” within the context of an intimate relationship with him. My safety - both emotional and physical matters to me.

I don’t know what to say about whether he loved me. IMO, people who truly love each don’t hurt each other in this deep way. I do know that he was shocked that I ended our relationship over I fidelity (even though he knew I had bargained for monogamy and that I knew about the breadth and extent of many of his infidelities), and he spent several years trying to get back together with me.

True love like that - that is emotionally abusive - is a kind of love I don’t need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two sets of friends who remained married after infidelity was discovered. One set was cordial and by all appearances, seemed happy in spite. Now divorcing because of continued infidelity. The other couple are staying together “for the kids,” sexless marriage and all that. The wife had a revenge affair, I’m not sure whether the husband found out.

Pro tip. There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. The husband is definitely having sex somewhere.

Pro tip: I stopped having sex with my husband after discovering his affair. Prior to that we were having fun sex 3-5 x per week. After his betrayal I can no longer stomach being intimate with him.

[Anonymous]

My DH cheated extensively. I did not “overlook” it; I viewed it as the red flag it was. He asked me to remain in the relationship, and I agreed if he got extensive individual therapy, went to AA and ended the infidelities. He could not, so I stopped sleeping with him and when I was ready, I kicked him out.

You may consider that “overlooking”. I do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two sets of friends who remained married after infidelity was discovered. One set was cordial and by all appearances, seemed happy in spite. Now divorcing because of continued infidelity. The other couple are staying together “for the kids,” sexless marriage and all that. The wife had a revenge affair, I’m not sure whether the husband found out.

Pro tip. There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. The husband is definitely having sex somewhere.

Pro tip: you don’t use a period after saying “pro tip.”

Another pro tip: many people are in sexless marriages and don’t have affairs. Just because you can’t imagine doing something difficult because the easy path violates your morals doesn’t mean other people are like that. Probably hard for you to imagine though.

Many people are having sex in their marriages and still have big variety sex on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH cheated extensively. I did not “overlook” it; I viewed it as the red flag it was. He asked me to remain in the relationship, and I agreed if he got extensive individual therapy, went to AA and ended the infidelities. He could not, so I stopped sleeping with him and when I was ready, I kicked him out.

You may consider that “overlooking”. I do not.

+1

My best friend stayed, but certainly did not overlook it. When she found out, she kicked her DH for a couple weeks. He went into individual therapy twice per week, did group therapy for awhile too, quit social drinking/all drinking, etc. He changed a lot and addressed his problems. He switched to WAH. There is 100% transparency and he picked up the slack on the home front. He’s now the one that grocery shops, plans meals, etc. She didn’t ask him for any of it. He took this all on by himself. They are doing great now. But, only I know what happened. She didn’t tell anyone else and she was a total mess emotionally upon finding out because it was a complete blind-side, one of those great matches, happy couples pp talk about.

So- one might think just because the betrayed partner didn’t leave that they are over-looking it. In all cases I know, it’s understood if it ever happened again- it would be over. There is no blind eye being turned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two sets of friends who remained married after infidelity was discovered. One set was cordial and by all appearances, seemed happy in spite. Now divorcing because of continued infidelity. The other couple are staying together “for the kids,” sexless marriage and all that. The wife had a revenge affair, I’m not sure whether the husband found out.

Pro tip. There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. The husband is definitely having sex somewhere.

Pro tip: I stopped having sex with my husband after discovering his affair. Prior to that we were having fun sex 3-5 x per week. After his betrayal I can no longer stomach being intimate with him.

Yep. I get that. It’s really a b@tch to find out you weren’t in a monogamous relationship with a strong sex life. Same thing happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two sets of friends who remained married after infidelity was discovered. One set was cordial and by all appearances, seemed happy in spite. Now divorcing because of continued infidelity. The other couple are staying together “for the kids,” sexless marriage and all that. The wife had a revenge affair, I’m not sure whether the husband found out.

Pro tip. There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. The husband is definitely having sex somewhere.

Pro tip: you don’t use a period after saying “pro tip.”

Another pro tip: many people are in sexless marriages and don’t have affairs. Just because you can’t imagine doing something difficult because the easy path violates your morals doesn’t mean other people are like that. Probably hard for you to imagine though.

+1 was in a sexless marriage for many years. No cheating. When men have low T, there is no cheating. It is one scenario where there can be truly sexless marriages. We divorced. He could have stayed married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

My friend’s spouse was a long, but not frequent. Sporadic sex over the course of a few years. Not a passionate lovefest, no strong hook up. The other one I know was a co-worker where they were having sex frequently week after week for a year. That one they divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

Yes. I know of two. Yes, they were caught. Yes, the stayed married. Yes, the affair did not stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

Yep, this exactly. I know three couples where there was cheating involved and all are still married. I know no one who divorced from cheating but I am sure it happens.

What kind of cheating are we talking about here? ONS, flings or long term affairs?

Not PP but I know if very long affairs (years).

Very long affairs where the cheater(s) stayed married?

Yes. I know of two. Yes, they were caught. Yes, the stayed married. Yes, the affair did not stop.

Man broke it off, rather brutally. He’s still married. She’s not. She had the feels. He did not.