Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened. The parents may not know what to say. My son is 12, and recently stopped wanting to hang around with a boy he had been friends with for a long time. He didn't like the way that the boy was acting, and found some of his humor homophobic and mildly racist. It is not 100 percent the boy's fault, his parents are separated, and his mom is lovely, but his dad is a jerk, and I have had issues with him making similar comments that I disliked in the past.

Instead of not answering the mom about getting the kids together, I responded to the text saying that I was sorry, but it seemed like the kids were having a little trouble getting along, and might need a break, though I hoped it would blow over and the kids would reconnect. Her reaction to it wasn't great - she was polite, but it was clear she was angry/hurt/upset. I would never advocate blowing someone off and not answering, but being honest about the issue didn't seem to help either.

[Anonymous]

When I was a young girl, I found it helpful when my mom discussed how she handled incidents like that when she was my age. Did you ever have a friend who ghosted you? Or did you ever have a friend that you didn’t feel like you connected with, or grew apart from, but didn’t know how to handle it? I think talking about how you managed, or what worked or didn’t work for you at that age, can be a helpful launching pad for discussions. Good luck! I’m sure it’s painful but she will get through this with your loving guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a young girl, I found it helpful when my mom discussed how she handled incidents like that when she was my age. Did you ever have a friend who ghosted you? Or did you ever have a friend that you didn’t feel like you connected with, or grew apart from, but didn’t know how to handle it? I think talking about how you managed, or what worked or didn’t work for you at that age, can be a helpful launching pad for discussions. Good luck! I’m sure it’s painful but she will get through this with your loving guidance.

Would love to hear some specifics here. This happened to me entering jr high and I "handled" it by not telling anyone, judging myself harshly, and being sad and lonely. So...

[Anonymous]

Op, they moved and your daughter decides to pursue other interests?
It sounds like mutual, growing apart is hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, they moved and your daughter decides to pursue other interests?
It sounds like mutual, growing apart is hard!

I think proximity is the glue in most friendships, maybe especially at that age, and friends grow apart when it’s no longer there. So, this sounds like nothing personal, just growing apart, though the lack of closure can be hard.

[Anonymous]

I have an introverted 11 year old DD who attends private school. A neighborhood friend, who attends the local public school, is thick as thieves with DD during the summer, but once school starts she completely ghosts my kid. Happens every year.

We counseled DD to see friend as a “good time” friend. One who is fun to hang out with when schedules sync up but one who does not prioritize her relationship with DD. One who would not be considered a true friend who would always be supportive in good times and bad.

DD gets it. She now puts no expectation on the “friendship” and when summer ends she resigns herself to knowing that the friendship will temporary end as well, until next summer. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a young girl, I found it helpful when my mom discussed how she handled incidents like that when she was my age. Did you ever have a friend who ghosted you? Or did you ever have a friend that you didn’t feel like you connected with, or grew apart from, but didn’t know how to handle it? I think talking about how you managed, or what worked or didn’t work for you at that age, can be a helpful launching pad for discussions. Good luck! I’m sure it’s painful but she will get through this with your loving guidance.

Would love to hear some specifics here. This happened to me entering jr high and I "handled" it by not telling anyone, judging myself harshly, and being sad and lonely. So...

Exactly - so you could talk to your daughter about how you sympathize, have been there yourself, I too felt sad and judged myself etc. “I wish I hadn’t judged myself so harshly when I was your age and recognized that sometimes it’s not about me, it’s about what’s going on with that other person. I wish I had talked to someone about how I felt so I could get it off my chest, because keeping it to myself hurt.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........

Some people do not handle calmly confronting the issue well so it's easier to ghost. Ghosting avoids drama. It also leaves a door open because you can always say things got busy.

This is such a one-sided view. Ghosting does not avoid drama. Ghosting places all the drama on the shoulders of the ghosted person left to wonder what went wrong. It's quieter drama, but so unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........

Some people do not handle calmly confronting the issue well so it's easier to ghost. Ghosting avoids drama. It also leaves a door open because you can always say things got busy.

This is such a one-sided view. Ghosting does not avoid drama. Ghosting places all the drama on the shoulders of the ghosted person left to wonder what went wrong. It's quieter drama, but so unfair.

NP here. See post above where a mom was honest and it really upset the other mom. Ghosting does place the burden on the ghosted person and leaves them to wonder what went wrong. However, being blunt and saying “sorry but my dc doesn’t really want to see your dc anymore is also hurtful and still leaves the other person still wondering why. In order to get a full answer you have to hear all of the unpleasant accusations. Sometimes there is no way to say “because your dc is bossy/whiny/controlling/ or otherwise” in a nice way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........

Some people do not handle calmly confronting the issue well so it's easier to ghost. Ghosting avoids drama. It also leaves a door open because you can always say things got busy.

This is such a one-sided view. Ghosting does not avoid drama. Ghosting places all the drama on the shoulders of the ghosted person left to wonder what went wrong. It's quieter drama, but so unfair.

NP here. See post above where a mom was honest and it really upset the other mom. Ghosting does place the burden on the ghosted person and leaves them to wonder what went wrong. However, being blunt and saying “sorry but my dc doesn’t really want to see your dc anymore is also hurtful and still leaves the other person still wondering why. In order to get a full answer you have to hear all of the unpleasant accusations. Sometimes there is no way to say “because your dc is bossy/whiny/controlling/ or otherwise” in a nice way.

This.

You need to normalize it OP. If she sees you get upset, then it makes it worse. You can validate her feelings and also make it clear that it happens all the time.

Now, as a parent I also tune into whether my kid is struggling socially in general. Then it's time to wake up and realize there may be an actual issue like one mentioned above. In fact one of my kids drifted away from a kid who was really controlling. His mom was the same way and hounded me. She is known to not take any constructive feedback well so when she confronted me over and over, I just said my son needed a break as politely as I could. From then on, when I would see her at school events or volunteering she just glared at me or made a melodramatic exit.

[Anonymous]

You don't think the parent could just say "it seems the kids are drifting apart"? I would far prefer that to silence and being ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't think the parent could just say "it seems the kids are drifting apart"? I would far prefer that to silence and being ignored.

You'd be surprised how many parents cannot handle that and will keep asking for more information. You can obsess over exactly how you think the parents should handle it or just accept the is is making it clear she isn't interested and move on. There will be boyfriends or girlfriends down the line who don't break up in the ideal way. You teach your child how to cope and move forward and not sit and ruminate about how poorly the breakup was done. If you don't want to break up, no latter what someone says or does it will still sting.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for all the typos.