Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…

[Anonymous]

Any tips on how to talk with/console my 11 year old about how a friend she has had since she was a baby no longer wants to get together? We were in a nanny share together as we lived in the same neighborhood, they always attended different schools but the girls had some shared interests, so went to the same weekend activity classes. This family moved to another neighborhood and my daughter chose to no longer do the same dance class as her friend to pursue other interests.

During the deep pandemic lockdowns, the family was part of our “bubble” so the kids would go on walks together and FaceTime. My daughter is feeling quite hurt that her friend no longer answers her requests to talk. I am more disappointed than mad at the parents that they do not acknowledge texts about getting the kids together. We weren’t super close although it was always pleasant to spend time together occasionally.

I understand that friendships change as kids grow older, I just feel at a loss about how to help my daughter process this change. They were the type of friends that called each other “sisters”. My daughter feels like there is something wrong with her now that her oldest friend no longer wants to talk with her. She is an introverted only child so this friendship has been really important to her sense of identity and development to this point in her life. I’ve told her that she has lots of great friends and will make new ones. I can see that the hurt is really deep for her though.

Thanks for any advice you have-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips on how to talk with/console my 11 year old about how a friend she has had since she was a baby no longer wants to get together? We were in a nanny share together as we lived in the same neighborhood, they always attended different schools but the girls had some shared interests, so went to the same weekend activity classes. This family moved to another neighborhood and my daughter chose to no longer do the same dance class as her friend to pursue other interests.

During the deep pandemic lockdowns, the family was part of our “bubble” so the kids would go on walks together and FaceTime. My daughter is feeling quite hurt that her friend no longer answers her requests to talk. I am more disappointed than mad at the parents that they do not acknowledge texts about getting the kids together. We weren’t super close although it was always pleasant to spend time together occasionally.

I understand that friendships change as kids grow older, I just feel at a loss about how to help my daughter process this change. They were the type of friends that called each other “sisters”. My daughter feels like there is something wrong with her now that her oldest friend no longer wants to talk with her. She is an introverted only child so this friendship has been really important to her sense of identity and development to this point in her life. I’ve told her that she has lots of great friends and will make new ones. I can see that the hurt is really deep for her though.

Thanks for any advice you have-

I think you are going taking the right approach. Just keep validating her feelings and encourage her to cultivate other friendships.

[Anonymous]

OP while this totally stinks and my kids have had this happen as well unfortunately there is not much to do other than what you are doing.

I am very sorry. Unfortunately at that age this is common.

[Anonymous]

Friendships in life ebb and flow and sometimes you have to let go a bit and give someone space. You are doing the right thing by acknowledging her feelings but encouraging her to make other friends. Middle/high school is often a tough time for girls.

[Anonymous]

It’s rude that they haven’t responded at all since you know them well. they could at least write that they are very busy and unlikely to have time to get the girls together (a white lie that conveys meaning), or if they were more open, that it seems their daughter isn’t as interested in getting together and they aren’t arranging things for her anymore. I’m sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips on how to talk with/console my 11 year old about how a friend she has had since she was a baby no longer wants to get together? We were in a nanny share together as we lived in the same neighborhood, they always attended different schools but the girls had some shared interests, so went to the same weekend activity classes. This family moved to another neighborhood and my daughter chose to no longer do the same dance class as her friend to pursue other interests.

During the deep pandemic lockdowns, the family was part of our “bubble” so the kids would go on walks together and FaceTime. My daughter is feeling quite hurt that her friend no longer answers her requests to talk. I am more disappointed than mad at the parents that they do not acknowledge texts about getting the kids together. We weren’t super close although it was always pleasant to spend time together occasionally.

I understand that friendships change as kids grow older, I just feel at a loss about how to help my daughter process this change. They were the type of friends that called each other “sisters”. My daughter feels like there is something wrong with her now that her oldest friend no longer wants to talk with her. She is an introverted only child so this friendship has been really important to her sense of identity and development to this point in her life. I’ve told her that she has lots of great friends and will make new ones. I can see that the hurt is really deep for her though.

Thanks for any advice you have-

You also should explain to her that sometimes people do things that don’t make sense to us, and it’s not a reflection of who we are, but who they are.

[Anonymous]

Also keep in mind that those “we’ve been friends since we were babies” friendships are often connections that the moms make with one another and not necessarily because the kids have anything in common also having an only (I had one for ten years), sometimes they tend to reach out ans initiate more than those friends with siblings, who are understandably occupied. I had to always remind my daughter that those friends already had people in their house to play with so not to get her feelings hurt when they weren’t always responsive. It seems like maybe you/your daughter were used as a “bridge” to get through the pandemic and now that things have gone back to normal, this family/friend has no more use for you. That sucks and is a reflection of their character. I’d ask you to stop taking this so personally for you but focus on how to distract your daughter. With time this will not be so hurtful and at some point this “friend” will probably resurface. When that happens, please ensure your daughter gives her the cold shoulder.

[Anonymous]

We have told our kids that friends and interests change and this doesn’t make the friendship they had in the past any less important. Maybe they will be close again in the future and maybe they won’t. Yes, 11 is where things really start to change and kids develop other interests and other friendships. Keep doing what you are doing, encourage your daughter to branch out and make other friends.

[Anonymous]

Agree with other PPs - you are doing a good job and being ghosted is a painful common experience for people of all ages.

I don’t really agree with this ghosting norm of modern culture but young people are growing up thinking it is acceptable to just cut friends off for minor reasons rather than talk through what is bothering them (Part of cancel culture).

However, I want to add that a close friend who ghosted my DD 2-3 years ago is friendly again now. They are discovering themselves at this age, and if there was no dramatic fall out, then hopefully they will reconnect at some point.

You are reassuring your DD and encouraging diverse social connections and that is all you can really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with other PPs - you are doing a good job and being ghosted is a painful common experience for people of all ages.

I don’t really agree with this ghosting norm of modern culture but young people are growing up thinking it is acceptable to just cut friends off for minor reasons rather than talk through what is bothering them (Part of cancel culture).

However, I want to add that a close friend who ghosted my DD 2-3 years ago is friendly again now. They are discovering themselves at this age, and if there was no dramatic fall out, then hopefully they will reconnect at some point.

You are reassuring your DD and encouraging diverse social connections and that is all you can really do.

This. Definite possibility but don't pin your DD's hopes on it happening.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry this is happening—it’s really painful and happened to me in 7th grade. No big blowup, just suddenly not friends anymore. It was hard, but it’s part of that age bracket. They are learning to negotiate interpersonal relationships, and it’s not perfect.

What’s not OK to me is the parents non-response to you! That just seems shitty. I think as parents we also need to model how to handle stuff with integrity. Is there more to the story? Or are they just like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have told our kids that friends and interests change and this doesn’t make the friendship they had in the past any less important. Maybe they will be close again in the future and maybe they won’t. Yes, 11 is where things really start to change and kids develop other interests and other friendships. Keep doing what you are doing, encourage your daughter to branch out and make other friends.

This. By not responding to texts they are telling you she is not interested now. I had a neighborhood friend I did everything with from toddlerhood through about age 9 or 10. I gradually realized I could not relate to her and I found she didn't have much empathy for others and took great joy in getting other neighborhood kids in trouble for minor offenses. Her parents would not let up on my parents as to why i drifted away. My parents gaslit me when I told them why and they were horribly embarrassed I loved away from this friend. Even if she matured and became a kinder person after all the drama no way would I go back. Her parents told mine I broke her heart. (I actually told her I didn't think she was being a kind person). My parents just got upset with me. She apparently struggled with having healthy friendships for many years and they blamed me rather than looking at whether she was being kind to people.


So....help her move and if you get any information as to why it happened consider it a gift and don't be quick to blame and hate the other kid. None of us are perfect, but we have a right to let go of friendships that are no longer healthy and move toward relationships that are.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks all for the advice. It is super helpful. Maybe the girls will reconnect later. Perhaps the transition to 6th grade is hard for her and her family so making time for people outside of their new neighborhood and school is hard or something happened in their extended family. Trying to keep my daughter focused on her other friendships and supporting her emotions around the potential end of that friendship.Thank you again-

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can do is manage your own behavior. Nothing you can do about the friend choosing to move on.

There is a tricky, sad and angry, grieving process and then they eventually find new and better friends,or at least that is what happened to my DD.

As upset as you are..stay out if it and just model quality behavior for your child.

[Anonymous]

My DD drifted away from from a long time neighborhood friend. Their interests changed, but also, this girl was an introvert who didn't talk much as they got older. My DD is a chatterbox and loves to talk but eventually got tired of monologues. She wanted to hang out with other people who talk as well. This girl was invited but didn't want to hang with the others. I also noticed a dynamic that developed , too. This girl was the "silent, smart one" and mine would defer to her even if she knew the answer. My DD told me she also chided my DD on a couple occasions when she didn't know something or made a mistake. So when things started falling apart, I didn't care to help when her mom came asking other than to say, "interests change".