Why wouldn’t this person just SAHM for a year or two?

[Anonymous]

My SIL does this. I think she just doesn’t want to be home all day with the baby. Some people don’t. My cousin is the same. SIL’s baby (well she’s 3 now) is woken up at the crack of dawn for a car ride to a train to get to daycare and is picked up at like 6pm, which I would hate to do. I chose to stay at home with my kid, but I realize my way was more risky financially, so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

If her marriage is shaky, it’s a very vulnerable time to stop working.

After maternity leave, paying for childcare is the standard default option. Everyone chooses nanny or daycare and accepts it as an unavoidable expense—like the mortgage.

She probably knows that if she stops working, her husband will not only dump every little household chore on her plate, but will also balk at paying for childcare in the future. She’ll have to justify going back to work. Plus she’ll be stuck with all the extra household tasks that he dumped on her when she started staying home. It’s a very hard dynamic to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she likes working? Maybe she enjoys being around her colleagues and clients? Maybe it's not all about the money? It's disgusting that you think the only reasons might be that she is stupid or can't handle being alone with her child.

I did not say this (at all) and if you read my posts you can see I’m trying to understand. I’m not judging her, I was just confused by this choice. I appreciate the PPs who mentioned things like work helping with PPD (I had PPD so I get that) and wanting to be around other adults. I can relate to those things and this makes a bit more sense to me now.

I definitely don’t think she’s stupid or can’t be alone with her kid. The opposite, actually. She’s a capable person and loving mom so I guess I expected her to either go back to her prior profession or stay home. I was thrown for a loop.

"Is it just that some people don’t want or can’t handle that much time with a baby or toddler? It just seems odd."

Not being able to handle 24/7 with a baby or toddler is not the same as not being fit to be alone with your kid. Toddlers in particular are a lot. I was a SAHM for those years and I still am not sure I can “handle” it— extremely draining and hard on your mental health, especially if you don’t have family nearby and your DH works long hours.

[Anonymous]

I often see the looking down on sahms and the long hour wohms but now you're judging a regular hours wohm? Women canNOT win, it's exhausting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on your own life OP. You're gross.

Maybe you should focus on your own life and not call a stranger “gross” on the internet. It’s okay to ask questions on this website designed for that purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often see the looking down on sahms and the long hour wohms but now you're judging a regular hours wohm? Women canNOT win, it's exhausting!

Yup. I wish I had discovered that long ago. Women can be so ridiculously toxic to each other. I had DS young and so a lot of my friends are now having kids. I tell them all to do what's best for their families and to stay away from online forums for a lot of advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often see the looking down on sahms and the long hour wohms but now you're judging a regular hours wohm? Women canNOT win, it's exhausting!

Yup. I wish I had discovered that long ago. Women can be so ridiculously toxic to each other. I had DS young and so a lot of my friends are now having kids. I tell them all to do what's best for their families and to stay away from online forums for a lot of advice

Yep. 100%. It's so disheartening when people speculate like this. You don't know her reasons and that's fine. She has a rationale and hasn't chosen to share it with you. You clearly don't have all the information. Live with that discomfort and root for her and all the other women in your life to be happy and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If her marriage is shaky, it’s a very vulnerable time to stop working.

After maternity leave, paying for childcare is the standard default option. Everyone chooses nanny or daycare and accepts it as an unavoidable expense—like the mortgage.

She probably knows that if she stops working, her husband will not only dump every little household chore on her plate, but will also balk at paying for childcare in the future. She’ll have to justify going back to work. Plus she’ll be stuck with all the extra household tasks that he dumped on her when she started staying home. It’s a very hard dynamic to change.

This. My spouse makes at least $1m per year after bonuses and before other incentives and we have young kids and I continue to work. I make more than an admin, but we do not need my income anymore, so I think there are some similarities. I love my little kids, but I hate house work. My job effectively pays for a twice weekly housecleaner who also does our laundry, our nanny who also helps with meal prep and groceries, some date night babysitters, a couple nights of healthy restaurant food a week, which I usually have delivered. I can max out my own retirement account and keep my career moving forward. So, I work because I prefer intellectual work to housework and I like my independence.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she reads dcum and has absorbed the idea that moms who don’t have paying jobs are parasites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If her marriage is shaky, it’s a very vulnerable time to stop working.

After maternity leave, paying for childcare is the standard default option. Everyone chooses nanny or daycare and accepts it as an unavoidable expense—like the mortgage.

She probably knows that if she stops working, her husband will not only dump every little household chore on her plate, but will also balk at paying for childcare in the future. She’ll have to justify going back to work. Plus she’ll be stuck with all the extra household tasks that he dumped on her when she started staying home. It’s a very hard dynamic to change.

This. My spouse makes at least $1m per year after bonuses and before other incentives and we have young kids and I continue to work. I make more than an admin, but we do not need my income anymore, so I think there are some similarities. I love my little kids, but I hate house work. My job effectively pays for a twice weekly housecleaner who also does our laundry, our nanny who also helps with meal prep and groceries, some date night babysitters, a couple nights of healthy restaurant food a week, which I usually have delivered. I can max out my own retirement account and keep my career moving forward. So, I work because I prefer intellectual work to housework and I like my independence.

So…. You make 100k+? Maybe not actually a similar situation at all to someone working a clerical job for less money than their one nanny for their one child is paid.

[Anonymous]

Umm ... because domestic labor is labor, and maybe "this person" would rather work in an office with adults, than be home all day doing domestic labor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm ... because domestic labor is labor, and maybe "this person" would rather work in an office with adults, than be home all day doing domestic labor?

I don’t get this point. Of course taking care of a child is labor— no one has argued otherwise. It’s just a practicality argument. Why would someone take a job that looks pretty unappealing if they didn’t have to, especially if doing do necessitates paying someone else more than you make?

People are being coy, so let’s make this stark:

If you knew someone with a high earning spouse who chose to work at McDonalds and hire a nanny rather than SAHM, wouldn’t you think that was odd? Or would you still argue that “being around adults” is sufficient reason to do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm ... because domestic labor is labor, and maybe "this person" would rather work in an office with adults, than be home all day doing domestic labor?

I don’t get this point. Of course taking care of a child is labor— no one has argued otherwise. It’s just a practicality argument. Why would someone take a job that looks pretty unappealing if they didn’t have to, especially if doing do necessitates paying someone else more than you make?

People are being coy, so let’s make this stark:

If you knew someone with a high earning spouse who chose to work at McDonalds and hire a nanny rather than SAHM, wouldn’t you think that was odd? Or would you still argue that “being around adults” is sufficient reason to do this?

Yes. I would think it’s strange. It says their marriage is on rocky ground. It is very vulnerable to quit your job and rely on someone else.

[Anonymous]

I am SAHM for now. Took a break from a good career to have my baby (involved some extra hurdles to get this far). DD is 2 and there is a pandemic so its a weird time to get back to work.

I can easily see someone happily taking a "front of the gym" job just to get out of the house and have a bit of a break, be their own person if their family has a nanny. This spring/summer has been fine but I am seriously dreading the prospect of another winter indoors with my adorable, lovely, active DC for 8-hours a day. I really cant wait until the vaccine for younger children comes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often see the looking down on sahms and the long hour wohms but now you're judging a regular hours wohm? Women canNOT win, it's exhausting!

Seriously, well said.