Can someone explain foster care to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the most mind-blowing gaps I have ever seen between reality as lived by millions of people around us and the knowledge had by a presumably adult OP. Holy moly.

Sorry I didn’t get my MSW and I dared ask a question. You must know everything about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband are fostering a 4yo. They hope to adopt, but it is complicated. There is still some visitation with the maternal grandparents, and the paternity of the father has never been determined. If a father is found and confirmed, he would have rights. Ultimately, they do hope to adopt.

I have a dear friend whose family fostered a teenager who knew the whole time that their goal was to give her a safe and loving home until she was 18, and from there they helped her (to an extent) get a job, go to a community college, and get a place to live. They spend holidays together, etc., but I do not believe she expects to be in their will. They met and kind of had a shared goal that they would be a safe and loving influence in her life, but not her parents.

Your friends are kinda terrible not to give that child a real family.

+1 Your friend is horrible

No. But your comment kind of is. Adoption is not always the goal and they gave that child a solid entry into a normal adult life. Not every foster family would have done the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Former foster parent here. The way the economics worked in the past is that there was a financial disadvantage to adopt an older children from foster care should the teen/preteen you were fostering ever come up for adoption. No foster parent becomes a foster parent to make money. This is an urban myth. When we were foster parents the daily stipend was something like $21 a day, so basically very little. That said, the stipend ends at the time of adoption so there is a financial cost to adopting. We did adopt DD from foster care. One continued benefit is that Medicaid is DD's primary insurer, and depending on college choice, DD may get have her college tuition paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
My sister and her husband are fostering a 4yo. They hope to adopt, but it is complicated. There is still some visitation with the maternal grandparents, and the paternity of the father has never been determined. If a father is found and confirmed, he would have rights. Ultimately, they do hope to adopt.

I have a dear friend whose family fostered a teenager who knew the whole time that their goal was to give her a safe and loving home until she was 18, and from there they helped her (to an extent) get a job, go to a community college, and get a place to live. They spend holidays together, etc., but I do not believe she expects to be in their will. They met and kind of had a shared goal that they would be a safe and loving influence in her life, but not her parents.


Your friends are kinda terrible not to give that child a real family.


They met at church and got to know the girl. They are not well-off. From the beginning, it was understood that they could not provide a college education and an inheritance for a third child. I hardly think it's "terrible" that an older couple with modest means was able to provide a caring and safe home for someone who had suffered abuse in previous foster situations. What have YOU directly done to change the life of a tween or teen who isn't related to you, long-term, I'd like to know? And no, writing the occasional check or giving an angel tree gift doesn't count.


The will issue is weird but the kid already has a biological family and doesn’t need it replaced. Providing a stable and loving support system is very important. It’s a different type of family, one that does not replace biological kin and very important.

Exactly this. The posters harping on your friends probably have no experience with older teens in the foster care system. One reality is that kids who have been whipsawed their entire childhoods from biological family instability and in and out of foster placements may have lost their ability to trust or truly "attach" to new parents. They may be able to form wary friendships with a limited degree of trust in adults who offer help, but that can blow up at a moment's notice over the slightest thing. Depriving children of stability through the foster care system's preoccupation with endless attempts at family reunification is not in the best interests of children. I'm all for giving biological parents an opportunity to regain their kids---but not endless chances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband are fostering a 4yo. They hope to adopt, but it is complicated. There is still some visitation with the maternal grandparents, and the paternity of the father has never been determined. If a father is found and confirmed, he would have rights. Ultimately, they do hope to adopt.

I have a dear friend whose family fostered a teenager who knew the whole time that their goal was to give her a safe and loving home until she was 18, and from there they helped her (to an extent) get a job, go to a community college, and get a place to live. They spend holidays together, etc., but I do not believe she expects to be in their will. They met and kind of had a shared goal that they would be a safe and loving influence in her life, but not her parents.

Your friends are kinda terrible not to give that child a real family.

They met at church and got to know the girl. They are not well-off. From the beginning, it was understood that they could not provide a college education and an inheritance for a third child. I hardly think it's "terrible" that an older couple with modest means was able to provide a caring and safe home for someone who had suffered abuse in previous foster situations. What have YOU directly done to change the life of a tween or teen who isn't related to you, long-term, I'd like to know? And no, writing the occasional check or giving an angel tree gift doesn't count.

NP, but wow. Not provide an inheritance for a third child??? Who says that?

People who want to be transparent and honest about what they can and cannot provide to someone they are trying to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband are fostering a 4yo. They hope to adopt, but it is complicated. There is still some visitation with the maternal grandparents, and the paternity of the father has never been determined. If a father is found and confirmed, he would have rights. Ultimately, they do hope to adopt.

I have a dear friend whose family fostered a teenager who knew the whole time that their goal was to give her a safe and loving home until she was 18, and from there they helped her (to an extent) get a job, go to a community college, and get a place to live. They spend holidays together, etc., but I do not believe she expects to be in their will. They met and kind of had a shared goal that they would be a safe and loving influence in her life, but not her parents.

Your friends are kinda terrible not to give that child a real family.

They met at church and got to know the girl. They are not well-off. From the beginning, it was understood that they could not provide a college education and an inheritance for a third child. I hardly think it's "terrible" that an older couple with modest means was able to provide a caring and safe home for someone who had suffered abuse in previous foster situations. What have YOU directly done to change the life of a tween or teen who isn't related to you, long-term, I'd like to know? And no, writing the occasional check or giving an angel tree gift doesn't count.

NP, but wow. Not provide an inheritance for a third child??? Who says that?

People who want to be transparent and honest about what they can and cannot provide to someone they are trying to help.

"Providing an inheritance" is never a parental obligation. It's bizarre that it was even a consideration.

[Anonymous]

It’s awful. No kid, especially ones with trauma, should lose support at 18. I hate foster parents that stop at 18. If you commit, stay committed.