How to de-escalate an argument with someone who refuses to and doesn't care about the consequences

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walking away is thrown back as "refusing to engage" - even if the walking away is after a several minute diatribe against me.

Suggesting spouse go take a walk until they are less angry escalates confrontation - "Don't you EVER tell me to get out of my house, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!" at the top of voice.

The kids are traumatized and have been for years. He doesn't care at all and my attempts to say I won't have screaming matches in front of them is futile. I should have left YEARS ago and I know it. If I attempt it now it will be a scorched earth battle for sure.

He travels a lot for work and doesn't really give a crap about actually interacting with the kids so in general, avoidance has been the key.

Any tips other than preparing for divorce?

Read up on divorcing a narcissist and only bother speaking to attorneys experienced with verbally abusive/ domestic violence white collar bastards to walk the line.
You can do it and get comfortable with a rapid fire plan to get out. Then pull the trigger, execute and let the lawyer handle everything. Do not bother trying to mediate with an abuser or liar. Do not bother, they are not honest.

Gosh, I could have written your post. I left a man exactly like this. He has suspecte CTE from football. Same patterns, with alcohol abuse added in.

The above advice is excellent. I would also urge you to read the "Narc abuse and divorce" forum on reddit, find the "One Mom's BAttle" page on FB, and prepare yourself. My divorce from a dude like this took 27 mos, 200,000 and we are actively engaged in 5 open post decree motions as he cannot seem to stop attempting to punish me. For what? For being happy. For being successful and out earning him. For existing.

All of that said, I would not go back to my marriage for anything on earth. THough this has been the hardest part of my life, consigning myself to a life with him would have been a fate worse than death. 100%. I have primary custody, you will get that too with the way yours travels. LEave. You can, but more importantly, you deserve to.

[Anonymous]

OP I grew up in a home like this. It was awful- full of stress and fear. One parent flying off the handle and the other one walking out for the day or the weekend to get away from it. Guess who got the rest of the blazing wildfire tantrum? My sibling and I- because we were the only ones left in the house. it escalated in frequency and got physical at the end for everyone. The only way out was for one parent to divorce and take us with them via full custody. My sibling and I got two things from this experience: anxiety for decades, and walking away/writing people off at first sign of disappointment or something off. Please don’t stay and have your DC live this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I grew up in a home like this. It was awful- full of stress and fear. One parent flying off the handle and the other one walking out for the day or the weekend to get away from it. Guess who got the rest of the blazing wildfire tantrum? My sibling and I- because we were the only ones left in the house. it escalated in frequency and got physical at the end for everyone. The only way out was for one parent to divorce and take us with them via full custody. My sibling and I got two things from this experience: anxiety for decades, and walking away/writing people off at first sign of disappointment or something off. Please don’t stay and have your DC live this way.

How did your healthy parent get full custody? What ages were you then?

It’s almost like the unhealthy parent has to bolt away for that to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I grew up in a home like this. It was awful- full of stress and fear. One parent flying off the handle and the other one walking out for the day or the weekend to get away from it. Guess who got the rest of the blazing wildfire tantrum? My sibling and I- because we were the only ones left in the house. it escalated in frequency and got physical at the end for everyone. The only way out was for one parent to divorce and take us with them via full custody. My sibling and I got two things from this experience: anxiety for decades, and walking away/writing people off at first sign of disappointment or something off. Please don’t stay and have your DC live this way.

The thing that keeps me from leaving my DH is that it's my understanding he'd get 50/50 custody... which would mean my kids would be with him half the time totally on their own, without any protection from me. Although staying is not a good option either, leaving them alone with him 50% of the time seems like an unthinkable scenario. I can't do that to them. There have been other threads about divorcing a mentally unstable spouse and the consensus is to stay until the kids are in college so they aren't alone with the spouse. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

My father was like this. I know that you think divorce is not an option, but you are deeply deeply traumatizing the kids by staying. Living in a one bedroom apartment that is peaceful is preferable to living in a big house where your walking on egg shells.

Good luck. Btw, as an adult I have cut all ties with my father because of the way that he acted, and though I maintain a relationship with my mother, it is strained … especially after I had my own kids.

The trauma that they put us through was made even more apparent once I had my own children, so I look at both my parents with disgust for what they did (my dad for his actions, and my mom for being too weak not to leave and watching her kids get traumatized over and over again (no physical abuse but high levels of narcissism and emotional abuse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was like this. I know that you think divorce is not an option, but you are deeply deeply traumatizing the kids by staying. Living in a one bedroom apartment that is peaceful is preferable to living in a big house where your walking on egg shells.

Good luck. Btw, as an adult I have cut all ties with my father because of the way that he acted, and though I maintain a relationship with my mother, it is strained … especially after I had my own kids.

The trauma that they put us through was made even more apparent once I had my own children, so I look at both my parents with disgust for what they did (my dad for his actions, and my mom for being too weak not to leave and watching her kids get traumatized over and over again (no physical abuse but high levels of narcissism and emotional abuse).

I agree with you, but so the family courts? Or do they entertain unsupervised visits or overnights with the emotionally abusive, incapable, unhealthy parent?

[Anonymous]

You made it sound like your spouse travels often. Are you a SAHM? If so, you will get primary custory, or, I did based ont hose two items being a yes. He travelled 100 nights a year our whole marriage, giving him 50% would have been increasing his parenting time drastically. He got 30% and I got primary.

It sounds like you are your spouses target. They are witnessing him abuse YOU, it doesnt sound like he is abusing them?

Thats how it was with us anyway. The kids are mid-teens now. They dont want to go their 30% as it is and I assume that as soon as my kids can drive they will be here roughly 100% as they will refuse to go.

I think using the kids as an excuse to keep the kids in an abusive situation is stinking thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I grew up in a home like this. It was awful- full of stress and fear. One parent flying off the handle and the other one walking out for the day or the weekend to get away from it. Guess who got the rest of the blazing wildfire tantrum? My sibling and I- because we were the only ones left in the house. it escalated in frequency and got physical at the end for everyone. The only way out was for one parent to divorce and take us with them via full custody. My sibling and I got two things from this experience: anxiety for decades, and walking away/writing people off at first sign of disappointment or something off. Please don’t stay and have your DC live this way.

The thing that keeps me from leaving my DH is that it's my understanding he'd get 50/50 custody... which would mean my kids would be with him half the time totally on their own, without any protection from me. Although staying is not a good option either, leaving them alone with him 50% of the time seems like an unthinkable scenario. I can't do that to them. There have been other threads about divorcing a mentally unstable spouse and the consensus is to stay until the kids are in college so they aren't alone with the spouse. Any thoughts?

Pp here. Full custody was awarded for a few reasons- this was in the 90s in a different state where 50/50 was not the standard thinking. . It’s different nowadays and in the dmv. We also had a court appointed shrink evaluate us (just us kids together as a pair) and then my parents as a pair where he observed the dynamic play out in his office. Also it went to a custody trial bc mediation failed. At that trial the judge pulled just me and sibling into chambers and point blank asked us (we were preteens) who we wanted to live with. But again, this was all like 25 years ago and it’s different now. Op, one thing that helped us when we were with mom or dad post divorce was everyone agreed not to ask about the other parent. if one of them tried to pump us for info we would not give any or shrug. . That kept things calm and easier on us.