4 year old DD obsessed with being beautiful

[Anonymous]

I'll start by saying that I completely get that this is developmentally normal. But I am a bit perplexed how best to respond. My DD is a pretty girl (I think she's drop-dead gorgeous, but may be a bit biased) and she has gotten a fair number of comments from strangers her entire life, especially on her curly hair. Thus far she hasn't seemed to care much, but in the last month or so, so is obsessed with wanting her clothes, hair, shoes, nails, etc. to be "beautiful."

Now, some of this is asserting independence, which I get. She wants to choose dresses a lot and I told her she has to dress right for he weather, so if will wear leggings and long-sleeved shirt underneath on cold days, then she can wear a dress every day for all I care. She wants to choose her hairstyle, which is fine provided it keeps her hair out of her face and stays that way. She wants to wear fancy shoes daily, and she has one pair that are good-quality, fit well, and stay on, so I told her she can wear those. This is all fine.

The real issue is that once she has chosen these fancy clothes, she then takes it upon herself to maintain them. She is opting out of activities that I know she loves to maintain her appearance (e.g., won't paint because it might ruin her dress, won't do dress-up because it will mess up her hair, and so on). Her explanation is that if she gets dirty then "People will think that I am ugly." On days when she is wearing "ugly clothes," this is not an issue.

So my quandary is: do I take away the fancy clothes so that she will go back to being a kid and not a fashion plate, or do I respect her choice? So far, I have been letting her choose her clothes (so long as appropriate) and telling her when she doesn't want to try something that I would rather she be ugly if it meant she was having fun. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think she is trying out these concepts of "beautiful" and "ugly" and, like you said, asserting independence. If you don't make a big deal out of it, she'll eventually stop making such a big deal out of it, too. She might be more of a girly-girl, and that's OK, but the obsession with appearance might ease up if you don't let it obviously trouble you so much. Just my opinion.

--Mom of a 4-year-old girl

[Anonymous]

telling her when she doesn't want to try something that I would rather she be ugly if it meant she was having fun. Thoughts

I think you can start by gently questioning why she thinks paint on clothes will turn her 'ugly' rather than reinforcing the beautiful--ugly dichotomy. Secondly, try to encourage her and praise her for all the things she does with no commentary on how she looks. you can also emphasize (in stories, whatever) on what makes different people special, unique, interesting, brave, etc--just showing her that there are many options besides "beautiful.' finally, its probably a phase/experiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying that I completely get that this is developmentally normal. But I am a bit perplexed how best to respond. My DD is a pretty girl (I think she's drop-dead gorgeous, but may be a bit biased) and she has gotten a fair number of comments from strangers her entire life, especially on her curly hair. Thus far she hasn't seemed to care much, but in the last month or so, so is obsessed with wanting her clothes, hair, shoes, nails, etc. to be "beautiful."

Now, some of this is asserting independence, which I get. She wants to choose dresses a lot and I told her she has to dress right for he weather, so if will wear leggings and long-sleeved shirt underneath on cold days, then she can wear a dress every day for all I care. She wants to choose her hairstyle, which is fine provided it keeps her hair out of her face and stays that way. She wants to wear fancy shoes daily, and she has one pair that are good-quality, fit well, and stay on, so I told her she can wear those. This is all fine.

The real issue is that once she has chosen these fancy clothes, she then takes it upon herself to maintain them. She is opting out of activities that I know she loves to maintain her appearance (e.g., won't paint because it might ruin her dress, won't do dress-up because it will mess up her hair, and so on). Her explanation is that if she gets dirty then "People will think that I am ugly." On days when she is wearing "ugly clothes," this is not an issue.

So my quandary is: do I take away the fancy clothes so that she will go back to being a kid and not a fashion plate, or do I respect her choice? So far, I have been letting her choose her clothes (so long as appropriate) and telling her when she doesn't want to try something that I would rather she be ugly if it meant she was having fun. Thoughts?

OP< by your last sentence, you are reinforcing her supposedly misguided belief that clothes make a person beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Get this child a smock (or a girly apron).

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't think it's such a ba thing for a 4 year old to appreciate "fancy" or special things and the desire to protect or maintain them.

I didn't have a lot growing up. I take a lot of pride in cherishing and protecting the things of value (monetary or sentimental) that I have now. Isn't that a good thing?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, PPs, and keep it coming. I hadn't thought about it that way, but it is clear that I am reinforcing and validating this by engaging at all. I do praise her and others primarily for being brave, kind, helpful, hardworking, etc. I grew up with a mom who was very concerned with how I looked--too pretty and I was showing her up, too homely and I was making her look bad--not exactly healthy. I want something better for DD, but obviously I am projecting a bit here. So what would be a better response? Do I just challenge her assumption ("Why can't a dress be beautiful with mud on it?") and then leave it to her even if she chooses to opt out of an activity? She is also a bit shy, and I think some of this is wanting a convenient excuse for not stepping out of her comfort zone (e.g., she is more willing to get dirty at home with her brother than at a park with strangers).

[Anonymous]

It's a phase, my dd has been like this since 3.5, and is 4.5 no w. she's more rational now and knows when to put away her good stuff. We have a treasure chest with a ll her fancy play clothes. Prior to that she'd pull out her fancy stuff from the closet and dress up daily. I got to a point where I hid them in another room and gave her limited play clothes.

I don't think I projected this on her but every other girl in preschool was going thru this and so she picked it up! I've noticed almost al her friends are into being beautiful princesses! It's a phase!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get this child a smock (or a girly apron).

+1

I am going through this also. Unfortunately it started at 2.5 in my house. ( I have terrible twos combined with being girly) I try to reinforce her being beautiful in everything she wears, especially pants. When she does wear pants, I tell her that she looks beautiful and should wear pants more often. My only concern is her belief that beauty is tied to her clothes. Other than that, let them be beautiful!

[Anonymous]

OP, I only have boys so can't really chime in, but want to say that I think you're being very thoughtful and doing a lot of things right with your little girl. Good for you for trying to figure this all out! My gut says she'll grow out of this if nobody makes a big deal out of it, but anyway, good luck with everything. You seem like a really caring, calm Mom.

[Anonymous]

Ruffled pinafore for painting, cooking, etc!

Cute play clothes for the playground.

My soon-to-be 3 yo DD has a collection of bonnets and hair-kerchiefs because her particular obsession is long hair. Her shorter lengths in front need to be kept out of whatever she's doing, hence the unending parade of hair things.

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 yo who did this, much to our chagrin. She also got all the external reinforcement about how attractive she is. She is the "pretty" sister, that sort of thing. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, etc.

Around 4 she started to do that beautiful/ugly thing. Unfortunately, she still does it a lot even though we try to downplay physical appearance (and generally ignore it). She's into makeup (which we don't buy her), nails, hair, etc. -- all things we believe to be superficial.

So, no, it didn't end for us. We keep hoping it will.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps this is a stage some girls go through? Particularly around age four. My daughter insisted she could not wear pants because princesses don't wear pants. She will tell me which of her clothes are ugly. She really only likes the really fancy, sparkly clothes. I'm not sure if it means she will always be really fancy (I'm not) or if it is just a stage though...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get this child a smock (or a girly apron).

+1

I am going through this also. Unfortunately it started at 2.5 in my house. ( I have terrible twos combined with being girly) I try to reinforce her being beautiful in everything she wears, especially pants. When she does wear pants, I tell her that she looks beautiful and should wear pants more often. My only concern is her belief that beauty is tied to her clothes. Other than that, let them be beautiful!

+1. I could have written your post even right down to the compliments on hair. My DD has natural blonde ringlets and people go gaga over it whenever we're out. DD totally eats this up and she'll be in the mirror posing whenever she can get the chance. One time I caught her in the mirror running her fingers through her hair and she looked up at me and said, "My hair is just sooo blonde!" I was so vain, I had a hard time ignoring it. But, that's exactly what needed to do. Get her a smock and keep it rolling. She'll grow out of the behavior.

[Anonymous]

I have a now 6 year old son who is a bit of a looker, with blond curly hair. Particularly around age 4 he became really concerned with his hair, with it being curly, with it being blond and not getting darker as he got older. He's never cared a whit about clothes and loves dirt, but I bet there is something that goes on at about that age with understanding that people value beauty, and particularly a certain kind of beauty. My kid was getting so much of the oooing and ahhing and ruffling of his curls from teachers and family friends that I think it approximated what a pretty little girl might get...and it made an impression. He's mostly grown out of it, but he'll still get mad at the barber if he cuts off too many curls.