4 year old DD obsessed with being beautiful

[Anonymous]

Get her a puppy or something else to focus on. While this is common, it's not healthy development at this age. Take down a few mirrors, if they are distracting her from more healthy activities.

[Anonymous]

I had the same concern after DD spent 20 minutes crying as she was brushing her hair in the mirror telling me that it just wasn't pretty. I finally forced her to leave my room (where there is a full length mirror) and after a lot of attempts, got her to focus on something else. That intensity has been more of a phase for her, although she still does routinely talk about how she wants to wear something so that she can be pretty, etc.

I have taken to having two sets of clothes. She has her play clothes, and she gets to choose any of those, for preschool/soccer/gymnastics, etc. Then she has her fancier clothes that she can change into once she comes home from the various activities. So, I am still giving her a choice in selecting what she wants to wear (which resulted in a lot of dresses with a cardigan and leggings this past winter), but categorizing it so she knows she can only wear the fancy stuff at home or when we go someplace special (church helps for that!).

[Anonymous]

My 4.5 yr old is also really into dresses at the moment. I think its age appropriate and she will grow out of it.

To help it along you might try reinforcing that beauty comes from the inside... not her clothes. I have always told my beautiful daughter that when she is sweet and kind and good, she is beautiful, but when she is the opposite she is "ugly" or acting ugly. Also I have told all my friends not to say anything about her looks when they see her as I don't want her getting vain. I have tried to counteract all the random comments people make about her looks.

[Anonymous]

Our 4 year old granddaughter started with the "I'm so beautiful" phase and she is 8 1/2 and it's gotten worse. If she had the chance, she would stare at herself for hours and hours in the mirror, brushing her long blonde hair and making alluring faces at herself. I had to cover all the mirrors in her room with wrapping paper (we have mirrored closet doors, unfortunately) and I did this at the suggestion of her counselor. I would ask her, "What do you see when you look at yourself for so long?" and she told me it's because she's so beautiful. I said, "How do you know?" and she said it's because everyone tells her that. So, keep a close eye on it because it can and could turn into an unhealthy obsession. My granddaughter has to wear her hair just so, have the right color coordinated outfits with the right shoes. She will only play with children "who have cute clothes". After every shower or bath, she will spend lots of time putting on lotion (which were gifts) because we try not to be "enablers". Now we have a bathroom time limit. Mornings are a constant battle because I will NOT allow her to wear sparkly, flowing dresses with tights and patent leather shoes every day. We buy jeans and nice shirts or sweaters and she looks feminine but not like she's going to a beauty pageant. She wants pedicures and manicures and she SHAVED her arms twice now, once when she was 6 and again when she was 7 because she says they are "too hairy" (which they aren't). She tried to shave her eyebrows because she didn't like the way they were shaped. She sneaks and gets our razors so they are now hidden and locked up where she can't get them. I just didn't think this was something I would have to worry about. She tried to pierce her own ears 3 times now, the first time when she was 5 with a tack we had on the bulletin board!!!!
Go with your gut instinct and if it's not appropriate, get some professional help so it doesn't turn into something else.

[Anonymous]

Even though several here have said their DDs are now older and still in the same phase of over-focusing on "beauty", I get the impression most here still don't think there's anything to be done at 4 about this. I really and strongly feel like it's CRUCIAL to find ways to address this.

Our DD is now 5, but she's just like others mentioned here, gets comments all the time about how beautiful she is (especially her eyes, comments literally daily about her eyes and her looks). We figured out from people's reactions when she was a baby that we needed to watch this. Sure enough, even though we've tried to NOT focus on it as parents and to emphasize other strengths of hers (like how hard she works, how kind she is (usually), how strong she is, etc), a couple of months ago she was not paying attention in PreK and not following the teacher's rules. The teacher asked her if she thought she was special and the rules didn't apply to her, and she said "Yes". When asked why, she said "Becuase I'm pretty". I swear, she'd NEVER said anything like that to us or tried to get out of something and used "pretty" as an excuse. We were really bothered by this and had a real talk with her about it.

For us the biggest 2 ways we've counteracted this whole focus on beauty and pretty and hair etc is 1) by having direct conversations with her that beauty is something a lot of people talk about and want, but it's one of the least important things and does not bring happiness. Because it doesn't! And 2) she started judo when she was 3 but is really coming into her own in it now. She can throw boys bigger than her, she may cry sometimes but she keeps working hard when she's on the mat, and she gets a LOT of praise and shows a lot of pride for her performance in judo these days. It also helped her stay focused on things even when it's not her turn, which she was challenged at.

Society today is putting a premium on girls looks as babies now, it's almost impossible to escape if you live in a big city or access media at all. I feel like it really is a battle to keep our DD and any future kids focused on the quality of their friendships, praise the great things they do that have nothing to do wiht looks, and frankly we dismiss it when she wants to wear a dress and it's too cold for a dress or pretty shoes. And on days when she's going to the playground, no dresses, no pretty shoes, because we're going to play which is more fun and more important. She huffs a little, but once we're on the playground, she's all over playing and doesn't seem to think about it again until we're home and she wants to play dress up. Which we let her.

OP, I would not be as relaxed as many others have suggested about your daughter's phase. To not do things at 4 and 5 because you don't want to mess up your hair? I think you should find playdates ASAP with girls who like gymnastics or running and playing tag or gardening or whatever will maybe pique your DD's interest and take her away from her looks into something physical and maybe even messy. Also, how much princess stuff does she read/see/watch? I would cut Waaaaay back on the princess stuff. And heaven forbid she watches Bratz or Monster High or any of these other cartoons with skinny girls, giant heads, tons of make up and too much clique behavior. That feeds this too.

Good luck OP, I really hope you engage your DD in more conversations about values. Some here may think this is extreme, but heck, I'd show her some photos of really old people and talk to her about how beauty goes away at some point, and what's really important is the friends and family and life you have, not how you look or what you're wearing. And that sometimes very pretty people do really mean or bad things. These are all conversations we've had with our DD and we think they've helped a lot.

Our DDs have their whole lives to bask in the glow of people thinking they're gorgeous. For me, I really want my DD to root her identity in what she believes in, what she can achieve, her hard work, and her good and kind deeds. If she goes on to value those more (or at least as much!) as the attention to her looks, I will feel like we've done a good job. But I've had too many gorgeous friends from childhood end up screwed in the head for me to relax when this starts rearing its head. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm the same PP above - should also add we've slowly tried to wean her off princesses by weaning her onto superheros and shows like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers. She loves talking to boys and girls about which Turtle is Michelangelo, the powers of different superheros, etc. While superheros also have their sexism issues (like the outfits!), at least she's focusing on some girls/women who do the rescuing, not girls/women who always need rescuing. Sure, Tangled and Frozen are a little better, but the princess thing is something we are trying to get away from altogether. And while she still loves dress up when she can, even she can tell you at 5 what we (her parents) dont' like about princess culture, and we have real conversations about it. We also tell her how hurt we are when she gets sad that something/someone is prettier than her. Now, she hardly ever says it and doesn't seem to have issues with it anymore, she's doing a lot less comparing.

And she picked a Ninja Turtle for her birthday pinata and Dispicable Me decorations, all over the princess stuff. We're making progress!

[Anonymous]

Princess pop culture!

My oldest did this, too. Still does sometimes at age 6.

We found some princess books where the princess was active, liked to run around, and looked like a drawn kid rather than a Disney princess. Pointed out very clearly that THIS princess didn't want to run around in dresses all day--she had things to do! And I referenced that when daughter fussed about being fussy.

As for being beautiful, I just said: "Honey, being beautiful is very tiring. Don't worry about that stuff. I can say for sure that you're my sweetheart, and whenever I see you my heart flutters with joy, and I think 'Oh my girl is so marvelous!'. Now, if you want to be fancy sometimes, that's fine. I can help you be fancy and sometimes be not fancy, because who wants to be fancy when they have to get dirty! So let's talk about fancy instead!"

And then, honestly, don't say pretty. You can say fancy. Fancy is something you put on and take off. It's not an inherent quality like beauty.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 girls and the youngest (who is 4) is quite striking because she has waist long blond hair with ringlets. Her highlights are incredible (says her mom with boring brown hair). My other 2 never garnered the attention in public like she does. She gets compliments all.day.long on her hair. We can't meet anyone new without them commenting on it.
She is now (just turned 4) also starting with the whole, "I want to look beautiful, mama" each morning when we get dressed. My other two had preferences about clothing and went through the "I only want to wear dresses, preferably princess dresses phase" but it wasn't based on a crazy need to be "beautiful".

[Anonymous]

It needs to be addressed. Not panicked about, but definitely addressed, one way or another. Kids are developing their personalities and values from age 0 to, what, 25? But these early years are crucial. Help her focus on other strengths she has.

[Anonymous]

My 4 yo is a complete tomboy, who loves playing superheros and getting dirty and doesn't give a hoot about dressing "fancy." However, she has streaky blonde hair that people regularly single out as "beautiful" or "pretty," and I've definitely heard her describe her own hair as such. I find it really disturbing, honestly, partly because I'd never want her to believe that other colors and textures of hair weren't "beautiful," and partly because I'd hope she doesn't judge people first by looks. To counter these influences, we talk about dad's beautiful brown hair or a teacher's fabulous curly black hair, but we also talk a lot abougt how cool it is to know people with different kinds of minds under their hair, and how all the thoughts we think really make us who we are.