If you grew up poor, do you wish your kids did too?
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Anonymous
| Both DH and I grew up poor. (He's from a remote village in another country and I was poor and in-and-out of foster care in the US.) We are now solidly middle-class though our families of origin are a mix of poor and middle now. We are expecting our first child and recently gave small presents to the children in our family for Easter. Not surprisingly, the children from the poorer families were truly thrilled, even by the relatively tiny gifts. Even now they are still thanking us and sending us pictures of them playing with the toys. The middle class child, OTOH, said thank you only when pressed by his parents and hasn't touch the toy we gave him since. He has so many toys that one more means nothing. It is just such a stark difference. I remember cherishing the gifts that were given to me as a child, as does DH. And I wonder if our child will ever feel that way, that total joy at the littlest thing? Or if s/he will have so much that everything will be taken for granted. I realize this is totally crazy, but it made me realize that my child's life is going to be very different from mine. And while I'm glad s/he will eat regularly and not worry about whether they will have a bed to sleep in that night, there are things about my childhood that were good too and that I want my child to experience - like true gratitude for small happinesses. For those of you with older children, who also grew up poor, how do you handle this? Do you ever wish your kids could have some (obviously not all) of the experiences you had? |
Anonymous
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Not to the extent that you are talking about, but I did not grow up with a lot of luxuries. Dinner out was for bdays. Presents were special not an every day occurrence. New clothes happened in August for school. As a result if I wanted something I had to work. That meant I got a job at 14. I also understood that the way out of this lifestyle was education. I studied hard and was accepted to the IB program. Of course my parents couldn't afford college so it was on me to find a way to pay for it. Again, through studying hard and scholarships, I was able to go to a top school. I still needed 2 jobs in college to make ends meet. Many a friend wondered why I was working. But since I had been doing it for so long and it was all I knew, it was not until much later in life that it dawned.on me that other people didn't have jobs in college.
So while I would not want that lifestyle for my kids, I do want them to have a work ethic and know that money doesn't grow on trees. I think the way to teach that is to make the kids accountable and responsible. They need to learn the value of a dollar and what it takes to earn it. |
Anonymous
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My parents were pretty well-off when I was growing up but I honestly had no idea until friends would make a big deal when they came over to our house which was pretty nice.
My parents were very sparing with gifts, clothes, electronics, cars etc. my 1st car was a $500 VW rabbit with a rusted bumper. We wore clothes from Marshall's and had $150 budget each spring and fall to spend how we wanted. We could go to a better store but this taught is very young that we could get a lot more for our $ of we spent it wisely. I think it's all in how you raise your kids and the values you instill in them I have always worked since I was 16 because I wanted $ to be able to do things. I don't *have* to work now based on what my dh makes but I choose to so we can add $ to our retirement and 529's for our kids. We make enough to live in a very nice area but we chose a modest home in SS and only drive used cars (nice ones but used to save $). Again, I think this is because my parents were very sparing with what they spent and my dh grew up fairly poor (but he tends to spoil our kids) |
Anonymous
Pp here, I also worked throughout college, my parents offered to pay my state tuition as long as I maintained a b average. I chose to work as a waitress and later as bartender because I just never thought of not working. How else was I supposed to have $ to live? Plus I met my dh at my work
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Anonymous
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No, definitely not! I don't want my kids to have everything, but I wouldn't want them to be poor either.
Life is so much easier when you don't have to worry about money. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is kind of what I'm worried about. PP, I don't mean this as an insult and I very much agree with you that it is important to teach children how to spend money wisely and to value work which you clearly do, but your attitude is exactly what I'm worried about. You seem to think that going to Marshall's is a step down (you said you could go to a "better store") but Marshall's was a rare treat for us and we valued it not because we could get more there but because it was a really big deal to get anything at all, let alone to be able to get clothes from a store instead of from the shelter. I guess I don't want my kids to feel they are learning a lesson about the value of money when they drive a car with a rusted bumper. I want them to be thrilled they could have a car at all. |
Anonymous
+1. I would never, ever want my child to experience my poor upbringing: sharing a can of soup between 5 people, fighting over food, old clothes, started working at 13 so I could survive, feeling rotten about pretty much everything. If people knew my story they would be shocked. I don't spoil my son but he will not have the same life as I had growing up. |
Anonymous
| No. Not for one second. I am very grateful that we have the means to provide a secure environment as well as a lot of extras (529s, private school, etc). However, I do share your concern with respect to how to teach your children appreciation for their very good lot in life. |
Anonymous
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I think it's a tough balance and I wish I had the answer for you. I was a latch key kid who grew up poor with a single mom. I think when you grow up that way you are forced to grow up a little faster and be more responsible at a younger age. I use to say that I'm glad I grew up poor because kids that grow up with money are so naive about life. I think that's more of a defense mechanism for envying other people who have had easier lives. Now that I have children I really want them to be able to enjoy the stability but teach them how to appreciate what they have. It's funny, I didn't realize until I had kids that it would be so much easier to spoil them but of course that isn't what we want to do.
But no I don't wish my kid was going to grow up poor. Experiencing what its like to worry about what you'll eat or where you'll live isn't good for them either. First I think you have to accept that they will never be able to experience what you did, and that's good and bad. We do our best to constrain material things and model that being more thrifty is important. I also think its important to communicate with your kids and help them understand where you came from and how hard you worked to get there. And I think exposing them to different environments is important too so they don't think everyone is just like them. We have taken my daughter to where I grew up a bunch of times and its a stark contrast to where we live now. |
Anonymous
This is me, exactly, except I had three jobs in college. ^^^^ Barely middle class in a Midwestern state. Not poverty, but very close to the national poverty line for a family of 5. I respectfully disagree with this PP, a little bit, and kind of get what OP is asking. (Useful to have been poor?) As difficult as times were (sometimes), I absolutely believe the experience built great character and -- my point, finally -- it created a can-do-anything attitude in me and my sibs that I frankly do not see much "in these parts." My kid is growing up in these parts, in affluence, and I would say more resembles the neighbors from Bergen County/Bethesda/Lower Merion Township than my family of origin. I'm ambivalent about that. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think it's good that you're thinking about these things, and I trust that you'll raise your child to be appreciative.
I grew up with parents who were *constantly* stressed about money, being able to pay bills. Even though I appreciate that that experience has made me prudent with money and grateful for a stable financial situation, the anxiety I experienced as a child has affected me for life. So while I wouldn't want my child to be spoiled (I don't have kids yet), I also wouldn't want my child to grow up with the kind of daily anxiety that I experienced (my father was always facing layoffs, et cetera). There's a huge difference between being raised to be grateful and being raised in such a way that you develop an almost debilitating type of anxiety, the kind that means no matter how much stability you achieve, you will never feel at ease. Your child will be fine, because it seems like you value those characteristics. I think it's possible for children of middle class parents to grow up modest and humble if their parents promote those values. That said, I have a friend who grew up poor and whose husband grew up even poorer, and even though they constantly talk about it and remind their child, they still live in a house that is WAY bigger than a 3-person family needs and they buy their child all kinds of things, pay for lessons of all sorts, pay for private school (in a good public school district), et cetera. And they wonder why their now pre-teen seems ungrateful. So I would suggest that in addition to not spoiling your child, perhaps making sure that your child interacts with other children of all classes, that might help as well. Consider public school as well. |
Anonymous
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If you like reading parenting or sociology books, check out Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race, and Family Life.
http://www.amazon.com/Unequal-Childhoods-Class-Race-Family/dp/0520271424 As someone who was raised working class and at times poor, and who is now upper middle class, I found this book spot on in describing the overwhelming strengths daily life in the middle class give your kids. It's profound how big the gulf is. That doesn't mean it's ideal. There is a benefit to some entitlement mentality (kids advocate for themselves and learn how to do so as adults), but it can obviously go too far (and does). There is a lot to be said for some parenting techniques used by poor parents. Kids are more creative, closer to family, don't get bored or exhausted from hyper over scheduling. My goal is to find a happy mixture for my child, which I think I'm doing pretty well at, so far. Highly recommend the book if you like reading that sort of thing. |
Anonymous
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Interesting question! I would not want DD to be poor but DH and I need to raise her in such a way that she appreciates what she has.
I just posted the thread in this forum about chores for a six year old because we've been giving DD WAY too much and she's never had responsibilities (totally our fault). She's only six so it's by no means a lost cause but she's been like one of the middle class kids you've described. She gets so much from everyone, partly because she was the first grandchild on both sides and an only child, and because she beautiful and social. People want to give her things. She gets free things at stores and restaurants, etc. It's embarrassing when she gets a gift that she doesn't like and mumbles a half-hearted thank you. DH and I are working on this- but I'm glad that we recognize it now. My mother worked really hard and we didn't have a lot so when we were given a gift it REALLY meant something. It wasn't played with for an hour and then forgotten. I work part time now but was a SAHM for 5 years. We live in a great neighborhood and DD attends a great school. DD already has a lot (and that's fine) but being gracious is a necessary skill that we need to teach her. To answer your question- I want DD to have lots of money but I want her to be gracious, giving, responsible and appreciative of what she has. |
Anonymous
| I agree with most of the PPs, and you, OP, that there are some admirable character traits that are a byproduct of growing up poor. Unfortunately, I don't think it's possible to have the good without the bad and in my experience, the bad far outweighs the good. For that reason I have done and will continue to do everything in my power to be sure my children do not grow up in poverty. Right now, I have one daughter, and she is still a toddler, and I confess that I really spoil her. In fact it almost feels like I can't help it. I'm glad I read this thread, because it reminds me of the values I want to instill in her long term, which you all have articulated so well. |
Anonymous
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No, definitely not. However, I think it is important to make sure that, now that I have money, I don't go to far the other way. I feel it is a mistake to want to give DC everything "I didn't have when I was a kid," etc. I rein in DH who grew up wealthier than we are now and tends to spoil our kids. He was spoiled as a kid and it's a miracle he turned out as well as he did. His sisters did NOT escape their pampered upbringing so well -- they are both in their late 30's and still on the parental dole. Shameful.
I think it has partially to do with the fact that while I grew up poor, I also grew up in a happy family so I don't have this "spending money can show my kids I love them" hangup many formerly poor people seem to have. |