If you grew up poor, do you wish your kids did too?

[Anonymous]

I grew up poverty level and then as my parents began to earn more they never gave me a cent toward anything in life. I've worked my butt off and been frugal since I was 14. Sucked never having anything and made me bitter and jealous for a long time.

Now my kids will grow up 1% rich. And I'm not sure that I'll be able to relate to them and parent them because their world will be foreign to me.

[Anonymous]

Of course not.

My upbringing wasn't as unfortunate as yours but we grew up on the poverty line, and going to Walmart for school clothes was awesome, and Cici's Pizza was for birthdays.

I absolutely appreciate that what I have now (5 figure income but doing alright and so much better), and do teach my kids to understand the value of a dollar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up poverty level and then as my parents began to earn more they never gave me a cent toward anything in life. I've worked my butt off and been frugal since I was 14. Sucked never having anything and made me bitter and jealous for a long time.

Now my kids will grow up 1% rich. And I'm not sure that I'll be able to relate to them and parent them because their world will be foreign to me.

I can relate to all of this, and I worry about the disconnect too. No solution, just commiserating.

[Anonymous]

This all hit home for us about a week ago, when we told our 7 and 4 year olds that we are taking them on a special trip to Disney in the spring. 7 year olds first question: Are we flying first class?

DH grew up poor; I grew up middle class. We are extremely well off now but thought we were doing a good job of overexposing our kids to wealth, or giving them the message that we got our money from any way other than working our butts off, which is true. I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all hit home for us about a week ago, when we told our 7 and 4 year olds that we are taking them on a special trip to Disney in the spring. 7 year olds first question: Are we flying first class?

DH grew up poor; I grew up middle class. We are extremely well off now but thought we were doing a good job of overexposing our kids to wealth, or giving them the message that we got our money from any way other than working our butts off, which is true. I guess not.

Curious as to how you intend to "control" this? The easy view is that a 7 yr old should not even know what first class is, they should just be excited for the flight (any flight) and for Disney. Reality is that many of the parents on here who are wealthy work their butts off and want to splurge and there is no way to splurge while denying the kids -- i.e. it's not like you can be in first class and have your 7 yr old alone in coach. Does that mean that you have to give up the finer things to prove something to your kids? Or do you find a way to enjoy the finer things without them?

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for starting this thread and I really appreciate all the comments I grew up very similar to many of the posters here, but feel like I rarely, if ever, meet someone from a similar background. I can easily say that I only have one friend and two colleagues with similar life experiences.

This area really does warp perspectives and the escalating income inequality over the last 25-30 years doesn't help. Whenever we feel pinched now, all I need to remember is my parents cutting out the front of of my tennis shoes as they were too small, but they couldn't afford a a new pair. My husband grew up in an upper middle class family but he is quite thrifty and not given to indulgences. Some of our DCs' friends have the latest of everything. I know our kids envy their friends' toys, but we stick to our guns about what they can get and when. While they may never have that sensation of absolute elation of getting an ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins because your parents caught a break on some bills, they can be fairly grateful (not always with gifts and unexpected treats.

My oldest is pretty gritty. While he is not driven by the same fear as I had as a kid, he likes to do well in school and never needs to be reminded about homework, etc. Our youngest is very smart, but not driven in the least. I wonder if he would behave differently if he was growing up in circumstances similiar to mine.

Again, great thread.

[Anonymous]

Fuck no. I will never forget eating mustard sandwiches and straight lettuce because there was nothing else. Not going on a field trip cause it cost $2. My clothes were always too small. My feet are still messed up from shoes that were too small. I didn't even have a bra until middle school (when I was already a C cup!) Having to live in a really shitty neighborhood (Sequoia off Rte 1 for locals) cause it was cheap. It sucked horribly and I'm glad my kids won't have to experience it.

[Anonymous]

Instill gratitude, OP, the best you can. Yes, it takes a lot of hard work to move up in socio economic status. A lot. But it also takes a lot of luck. Not everyone gets that break. Not everyone stays lucky.

Not everyone maintains their health, their brains, their choice of profession. Death happens. Disability. Crooked partners bleed the firm dry. Divorce. Crap a la Bernie Madoff.

I liked this recent article about instilling gratitude. I had a bad habit of comparing, telling my son things like many kids don't have iPads at all in their house. So it's not a hardship that he has to ask to borrow mine when all his friends seem to have multiples. That doesn't do much good. Instead, focus on creating a family culture of giving to others.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sack-md/gratitude_b_2277960.html

[Anonymous]

If your 7 year old kid is already asking about 1st class to Disney because other friends talk about 1st class and you want to instill some sort of respect for the poor and working hard, I'd get out of the neighborhood and school you're living in. First class is way beyond a typical middle class lifestyle at any time and nothing a 7 year old should be bringing up unless they're on a plane to visit family and happen to notice the first class seats.

[Anonymous]

OP I know what you are saying, but you got lucky. Very lucky. I have a lot family that is relatively poor (by this areas standards I guess?) and it's a very hard cycle to break. Their kids are pretty much screwed unless somehow they get a big break and are very driven.
The majority of the people they are growing up around are mixed up in drugs, teen pregnancy, parental neglect, abuse, etc etc.
When your parents are worried about how to keep the heat on on how to pay the rent, they really can't focus on the extras-did the kids get any exercise today? Are they reading 20 min a day? Did they eat a healthy meal? How is their self-confidence? Have they been brushing their teeth twice a day?
The extras that I try really hard to make sure are happening aren't even a blip on their radar but they are still important.
I am raising my kids in a modest area with a great school and down to earth people around us. It makes a huge difference in what they are exposed to.
The kids of our friends don't go on crazy vacations flying First class, they ask for donations to their faborite cause instead of birthday gifts, they go fishing with their parents, they have chores to do to buy their own toys, they do lessons and teams but not over scheduled, and they run around outside for hours on end.
My point is being poor in this country really sucks. Be careful what you wish for and try to instill good values in your kids and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Lol sorry favorite not faborite

[Anonymous]

Yes, none of our kids enjoyed or played toys. So, we just stopped buying them. They couldn't believe we didn't eat out until we're in our late teens. But they still seem to hear what we are trying to tell them. And as of now I have confidence that they will spend money wisely, and will work hard.

[Anonymous]

there's poverty of money which is o.k., but poverty of spirit and outlook which is bad.
When you are poor, everybody else in society seems "way up there," doctors, lawyers, not like us. We can't aspire to that, no role models, etc.
No, I've been rich and I've been poor and let me tell you - rich is a lot better.
But you don't have to spoil your kids and can still teach them they have to work for their accomplishments and for the finer things in life.

[Anonymous]

A child can be well-off without being spoiled and materialistic.

We are upper-middle class. My children say please and thank you without being prompted, are appreciative of gifts, and I don't worry about it at all.

[Anonymous]

Great thread, OP. I recently read that Jerry Hall, XW of Mick Jagger (worth about $30m himself) wants Mick to buy their grown children houses. Mick says no because it instills nothing in them. No drive, no perspective, no goals, etc. I was impressed. He is an extremely shrewd business man, and has done well by it, so I should not be surprised.

When you spoil your kids you are doing just that. You are not impressing anyone.