To have a third, to not have a third? That is the question. (baby, that is)

[Anonymous]

Have 4.5 year old and 18 mos. old and am truly stymied about whether or not to have third baby. I just turned 33, have two boys, don't care about having another boy or girl, just healthy is all that matters. I feel truly conflicted. A third would make out tiny house tinier. Schools, well, you know how that goes. It would put us from man to man to zone. I think it would be the nail in the coffin known as my mid-section and any career aspirations would truly go the way of the do-do. Yet, another baby....ahhh.....

I don't think anyone is going to get on here and "regret" their third, I just want to hear people's opinions and I know there are many on this site!!!

TIA

[Anonymous]

We went ahead and had a third. Don't regret it one bit, and our third is just the person who has made our family complete. I know that sounds dorky, but there is no other way to describe it. Our finances are tight, our house is tinier than we could've imagined when we first bought it. But it's well worth it.

As for the man-to-man versus zone defense, it honestly has not been bad. DC1 and DC2 occupy each other quite a bit, so I've actually had more time for DC3 than I did for DC2.

[Anonymous]

We decided "no" for the same reason: what you have to remember is that you're not getting another "baby" (for very long, anyway), but another CHILD. And I don't care what anyone says, there is absolutely no way that 3 are "as easy" as 2. Maybe for one day, or one week or even a short few months, but not in the long term that it takes to raise them all to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Also have a third and agree that it made us complete. It didn't affect our careers. We both have great careers - but to make this work, we have to stay organized everyday. And, agree that the man-to-man versus zone is not an issue. Before number three, so many people talked about it. But I'm not sure that I get why it is something to avoid. To look at it from another side, having three insures that we are both quite involved in our kids lives because we need to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We decided "no" for the same reason: what you have to remember is that you're not getting another "baby" (for very long, anyway), but another CHILD. And I don't care what anyone says, there is absolutely no way that 3 are "as easy" as 2. Maybe for one day, or one week or even a short few months, but not in the long term that it takes to raise them all to adulthood.

I'm PP 23:28, and I have to say that three might be "as easy" as two, but the third is definitely worth any extra work they might take (and it's not nearly as much as one might think). How would you know anyway? You don't even have a third!

[Anonymous]

Easy, PP (so to speak). All s/he said was that 3 can't be "as easy" as 2. You don't seem to be disagreeing with that.

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with this same issue SOOOO MUCH right now. I have two lovely girls. Age 2 and 5.

I came from a large family, and I have always thought of 3 kids as my "ideal" number. (Frankly, I originally wanted 5, but after the first two, I got real!).

I think the reason that no one ever gets on and says "I regret my third child", is because (like your first and second children), once you have them, you can't possibly imagine life without them. So, from that perspective, I think its safe you won't have regrets.

But, as I approached this problem, I also started to look at things from my rational side too. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an awful selfish materialistic person... I'm JUST getting to the point where my "life" is back in order. I have a great job (not too demanding, so I see the kids lots, but its still full time), and actually have TIME to pursue some of my other interests (Yoga class, etc.) too. I feel like I'm really happy and complete now. I have my 2 beautiful girls, a stable family, a great job, and some "me" time.

Looking back on the last few years... as much as I cherished the time with my daughters, I also remember feeling really stressed at time, because "I" had totally disappeared. I worked (had a different job), came home, cooked, took care of kids, went to bed, started all over. And, frankly, I was pretty unhappy for some of that time. It certainly caused a strain on my relationship with my husband. So now I feel like we're just "getting out of the woods", and I'm thinking about child #3. And I'm really questioning... I know I would love a third child, as much as the first two. But would I like what it does to my life? In addition, we are REALLY comfortable financially now. Not rich. We've always lived well within our means... but we'll be able to pay for college, have decent cars, go on occasional nice trips... probably even pay for piano lessons or something. If we have a third, we can still afford those things, but it becomes much tighter... and... what if? What if one of our children has a health issue? Or needs special schooling? Then the financial situation gets much tougher. Plus, I had hoped to switch to a part-time schedule when the girls start school, so that I can be home after school. Having a third would delay that... and while it's not awful, it prevents me from being the type of mom I'd like to be (at least temporarily).

So... I don't know if I have any advice for you. Every family dynamic is different, and I'm certainly not going to tell you to have (or not have) a third child. These are the issues that I've thought about for me and my family, they may not even apply to you.

Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

I am on the fence regarding a third. Not because of money since we are blessed to have more than enough for as many children as we wanted. My culprit is age. I am now 40 and just had my second--so I know I would need to get going on this in the next year or two tops. That would then have me with three kids under the age of four which is a lot for me to handle since I know my limits and I too have my career thoughts that weigh in on this. I go back and forth. I worry about the two not having enough siblings since I was part of a large happy family and we don't have family near us here so it's just our little family unless we travel (which we do) and think that if after I die, I want my kids to have people around them. I know..morbid but I come from a family that has experienced death so it has made an imprint on me. In the end, I think I am going to table this for a year and then see how I feel--I think that if it's meant to be then it will be. It's funny though--OP is 33 and I would think, knowing me, that she could wait four years to have another when everything is calmer and it would just like having a single child and she could handle it no problem. I actually have a sib that is 10 plus years younger and we are now so close so that age factor doesn't have to matter. Hopefully you do what is in your heart and then be happy with your decision.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 too and I kept my job (not sure I'd call it a career anymore but it pays well and we need the income). I thought 3 was good because i came from 2 child family and my sister and i fought alot and obsessed over who was #1 with our parents. I'm not sure 3 solves that problem. I almost think 4 would be better as our first 2 spend alot of time together and the third feels left out (and acts out because of it). With 4 they are always paired. But lately I've noticed that changing so that #1 and #3 are spending more time together so maybe an odd # of kids works out good for the long run.

When you have small children, 3 isnt that much different than 2. You are home mostly. It just goes on longer. I think when you have kids doing extra curricular activities and playdates it gets more difficult and logistically challenging with 3. You can't do man to man coverage - someone always has the think of the third and s/he usually doesnt want to go anywhere when it isnt about them.

Finanancillay the impact of expensive childcare is felt for a good 3 years longer. Obvious college and any private school expenses are 50% more.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks guys. I should have mentioned that one thing that keeps me back is the HORRIBLE morning sickness I afraid I will have. Each pregnancy got worse...pretty grim.

I appreciate the poster who talked about getting a life back...I get that. Sometimes I wonder if I could just hold someone else's baby and get over it...

And I am finding it interesting, b/c the woman who is 40 wants a third and everyone I know who is in their 40's is telling me DUH, have a third, but women my age are like "eh". Is this a "want what we cannot have" thing?

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

I too am 40 and have two boys under age 3, and am contemplating a third. For me, it's that greedy hope that may be the third will be a girl, and I can have a shopping mate... (Seriously, I would love a third boy too). What is giving me pause is the crushing work that I am going through with the second boy, who is teething and waking up at nights. Rationally, it is crazy for me to put myself through this work again, when I feel like I am just coming out of a fog. But having a large family is so great for the kids. I guess I am choosing, for now, not to make a choice and seeing how it goes....

[Anonymous]

Do you really want to bring a third child into a world of dirty dice and leaky BPA bottles on the brink of a global depression?

[Anonymous]

Dirty dice? I didn't know dirty dice was the current issue...a new thing to worry about...

[Anonymous]

Ha! I want 4. Bring it on! Yes, our house is small with 3 and will be smaller with 4 and it will be so hard to travel anywhere. I love large families, they are great. A 4th will just mean that much more to love. I already have 3 boys, maybe we can start a basketball team if the 4th is another boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dirty dice? I didn't know dirty dice was the current issue...a new thing to worry about...

I fear so. Dirty Dice are an issue no American - particularly ones considering having another child - can afford to ignore. Please see the Hasbro posting on "Off Topic" for a horror story of Globalisation Gone Mad.