Executive Function and bedroom disaster
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Anonymous
| I don't know where to begin. I am struggling with how to support my 11 year old DD who lacks executive functioning skills. Right now I am trying to just focus on helping her keep her room in order. I can go in there and spend all day sorting, organizing, cleaning, decluttering, and literally in less than a week, it is worse than before. I have tried having her manage just one thing - the desk, the dresser, the bed, but it doesn't help. I am SAHM with 4 kids. I have tried doing her laundry from start to finish, including hanging everything so she can see it, but then it all still ends up on the floor. I don't know if I should be getting her real help, or trying to tackle it on my own. I am home during the day (although with a toddler, so time limited), so I feel that I should be able to manage this better. The other kids don't have this problem - ages 10 and 13, so I do think I must be missing something here. It is so frustrating for me. It is impacting her quality of life and self-confidence, as she can't have friends over because of it, and she runs out of the house late because she can't find things, like her ear buds this morning and permission slip for field trip today... What advice can you give? |
Anonymous
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As an adult female with executive function problems and ADD, my heart goes out to you and your dd.
I don't know what the experts say, or what other parents in your situation would say. I know that my mother never helped me organize. It never occured to me that she should. I was the one that was a hot mess. In retrospect, I think it would have done wonders for me if she had helped out. I don't blame her now for not doing anything, but looking back I can say it probably would have relieved a huge pressure off of me. I just couldn't stay on top of my room, no matter how hard I tried. Unlike boys with these issues, girls can really internalize it and feel a lot of shame and self loathing for not being able to keep organized. It's more accepted for boys' rooms to be disastrous. I'm rambling. My point, from experience, is that it would be great if you can help her out. Also, minimize stuff. Purge anything that doesn't fit or that she doesn't wear. Does her desk have to be in her room? Is there another workspace in the house she could use? |
Anonymous
| We have the same issue and my DD is 16. So I'd love advice as well. |
Anonymous
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OP here, I like the suggestion of minimizing stuff. She is at that tough tween age in between her stuffed animals and growing interest in more grown up things like drawing, so markers, pencils, paper, etc runneth over.
With my decision to quit full-time work came this idea that I would be home to help her get this under control. Now even I feel like a failure because I can't seem to help. She welcomes the help, and is so appreciative when I spend my time getting her room liveable, but then she can't maintain it. I get frustrated, feeling like I have wasted my time while neglecting the bigger cleaning and household management issues. I used to think I was enabling her by helping, until I realized she just can't do it herself. I need to learn how to teach her these skills. But, I have to manage down to a level I can't sustain. Let's not talk about the number of times I have had to drop a forgotten lunchbox off at school. Again - enabling? where I have landed is no, not enabling, because, with her food issues (texture, taste, etc), she would not eat a school lunch and then the problems related to no food/blood sugar are worse than my taking her lunch to school. |
Anonymous
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She needs checklists and she needs to take half an hour in the morning and a half hour in the evening to put her things away. She needs to schedule organization time into her day.
A check-list for the morning could include stuff like put pajamas in the laundry, shower, brush teeth, get dressed, hang up clean clothes that I'm not wearing, put dirty clothes in laundry, get things together for school (earbuds, lunchbox), eat breakfast, put on shoes, put any shoes that I am not wearing away, put on jacket, put any jackets that I am not wearing away. An evening checklist would include do homework, put my homework in my backpack, give mom any permission slips or other papers from school, put permission slips and papers back in my backpack, free-time, put my things away (toys, books, markers, games), put dirty clothes in laundry, put on pajamas, brush teeth, read for 15 - 30 minutes, check alarm, go to bed. At our house, we also emphasize that "The job isn't done until you clean up after yourself." You haven't finished breakfast until you put the dishes away. You haven't finished getting ready for bed until you put your dirty clothes in the laundry. You haven't finished your homework until you put it in your backpack and put the backpack away. You haven't finished playing a game until you clean the game up and put the box away. |
Anonymous
I need help organizing myself  I'm so not an organized person and neither was my mom, and I WISH I had grown up in a house where it was emphasized more. You are not enabling if you do it WITH her, only if you do it for her.
Im certainly no expert, but i your DD's case I would definitely purge her room as much as possible. Move out of season clothes to a storage area, put art/office type supplies in a common area, have her pick her favorite stuffed animals/dolls/whatever she plays with and put the rest in a playroom. Streamline her bed linens so it's just a washable comforter that she has to pull up and flatten out, no extra sheets. I also like the idea of checklists and you do it with her for 5-10 minutes each day so it doesn't get overwhelming. Now I need a checklist for myself
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Anonymous
The checklist shouldn't be a separate task. It should be something she does as she goes through her day to keep herself focused. It breaks her activity down into smaller subtasks and helps her remember to do each part of the task. After she does it with a checklist for awhile, it will become routine and then she'll do it without the checklist. You can start doing the checklist with her, but as she uses it more and more, she should be able to do it alone. Eventually, she should be able to do most things without the checklist. The checklist can be take a few forms. I like to put them on a white board and then check them off as I go along. She could use colored markers. It could also go in a booklet/planner/dayrunner with a list for each day and she could mark those off as she goes along. I think I would type up a list and have a copy place turn into a notebook so that she has one checklist for each day. (Sort of like the agendas my kids' school uses). |
Anonymous
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What if you went to Target or TJ Maxx and got some of the jumbo sized cloth-lined baskets and put a really really big sign on each of them: CLOTHES, CRAFTS, SCHOOL, STUFFED ANIMALS etc etc. Make sure her laundry basket is not in a closet with a lid but an open style one in her room for dirty underwear and obviously dirty pants/shirts so it doesn't go in the other clothes basket. Then if she is the type to just dump stuff on the floor, at least it can be dumped into a basket and then it will be easier to find. We use this one for DD's toys and it is a good size:
http://www.target.com/p/threshold-paper-rope-laundry-basket-dark-brown/-/A-14105011#prodSlot=medium_1_51&term=storage+baskets TJ Maxx sometimes has some that are bright colors. |
Anonymous
I did something like this for my son. The baskets are slightly smaller but same idea and i put them in his bookshelf. As long as the system is pretty straightforward and simple, he is actually pretty good at following it. I agree with others, though, that the key is to take as much out as possible. |
Anonymous
First of all, you are not a failure and you are not an enabler. It's very difficult to teach someone to be organized if you have never had to formally learn how to do it. For so many of us, we take it for granted and it's not until you see someone like your DD (and my DH and 2 DSs) that you realize what comes so naturally and easily for you is way beyond them (my DD is more like me). I totally agree with the checklists. It's not just useful for making sure she gets out the door with everything, it's going to be a useful skill when she enters the real world. I, the epitome of excellent executive functioning, have to use one. It's an excellent tool for everyone and is also a stepping stone for learning to organize and analyze. Remember, though, that whatever takes a NT person X days to learn, it will take someone with executive functioning deficits 5X. If it takes 21 days for something to become a habit/routine, it will take people like your DD 105 days. You just have to recognize that and manage your expectations and her expectations. As far as keeping on top of things, you must schedule time each day for her to keep on top of the regular things. We can't do any of that in the mornings because mornings are still chaotic at our house so we do 30 minutes after they come home from school. It's a good 'immediate' after school activity because they don't have to expend much mental energy on it and they're moving aroundl. When our kids walk in the door, the must put their shoes/coats in the closet and their backpacks/school things in their cubbies. If at any time during the evening I see they haven't done it, I interrupt whatever they're doing and make them do it. I don't care if they're on the phone, doing homework, playing, reading or whatever. It's incredibly annoying for them but too bad. They MUST get into a routine. I've also done the same thing with my DH regarding the car keys. We often have to switch cars and there's nothing more annoying than discovering, after he's left, that he's still got the car keys with him. For about 3 months, whenever I saw the keys weren't in their spot, I made him immediately put them where they belong. (It helps to have a DH that recognizes the benefit of developing this habit and commiting to learning it) We're also teaching our kids to review the calendar before they go to bed and when they get up in the morning. We look at what's scheduled for the next day (including lunch) and get together whatever needs to be gotten together (library books are a big thing). We look at it again first thing in the morning. Again, another good habit for all of them when they enter the real world. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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OP,
I think it would be worth hiring a professional organizer: http://www.napo.net/ Don't have a specific rec, but take the bull by the horns as it were. |
Anonymous
| I think it would be wiser to hire an exec functioning coach for a brief period, rather than an organizer...or both would be ideal. There have been some listed on this forum, or maybe McNeeds. The space is not the problem, it's the skills, and a coach will be able to help get good checklists, rewards, routines, etc. Of course the suggestions of baskets above are great--so everything has its place. I think you had a good idea to start smaller, choosing one or two tasks for your daughter to master and modeling the rest yourself. Your checklist could focus more on bedtime routines, with the one room-cleaning task (e.g. picking up dirty clothes) included in the routines. This takes longer but will be less overwhelming. I heard a few people mention that when their child is expected to clean, it helps if they are cleaning at the same time (doesn't have to be in the same room). Keep it positive. Using rewards can help motivate. Kids with exec functioning problems can have less motivation (on the level of brain chemistry) so external motivators can help a lot. Does she get allowance? Each task could earn part of her allowance. |
Anonymous
| Not OP but where do you find an executive functioning coach? |
Anonymous
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OP, pick just ONE thing and work on establishing a habit for your daughter. Pick something that will really help, like an "out the door" checklist. Every day for 4 weeks, practice that ONE routine until it becomes a habit. I put a post it note on the door that just said "lunchbox?" Scaffold this:
Week one: say "Look at the note on the way out the door. Do you have your lunch box?" Week two: say "look at the note on the way out the door...." and look at her until she starts checking that she has her lunchbox Week three: just tap the note and raise your eyebrows... until she looks to see she has her lunchbox Week four: look briefly at the note on your way out and say "have everything?" After 20 days of calling attention to the note it should be a habit -- as I walk out the door, check that I have my lunch. Then you can add other habits to the "out the door" routine and it shouldn't take as long to make them automatic. It sounds like a lot of work but every single habit that your child adds that you don't need to nag about will improve your quality of life significantly! |
Anonymous
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Use checklists as part of organizing - not as evaluation tools. Checklists on clipboards that can be moved around are good. Laminated checklists with a white board pen are great.
As well as checklists - reminder lists...a list of have you done A? have you done B? have you done C? Put these in prominent places - on the wall she can see while sitting on the toilet, on the wall beside her light switch...places she goes to often. Start walking her through using these a few times a day until it starts to become more routine. Use color coded bins to organize. For example all markers /pens/writing tools go in the blue bin, all music related items in the yellow bin. All art work / papers in the red bin. Don't worry about organization beyond getting them in one location. Have this on the checklist. Ones without tops (http://www.lampsplus.com/products/hello-kitty-multi-color-fun-kids-storage-unit__w6864.html) are easier than ones with tops or that have to be pulled out (an extra step!) Closets are really hard as they are so unstructured, it is information overload. I have never been able to use a closet. Instead do drawers or boxes or shelves. shelves can work well as the child can see what they might be looking for without pulling everything down. all tops in one drawer/box so if she is looking for pants she can leave that box alone. You will still have to organize the drawers/boxes a few times a week. Minimize clutter and belongings in her room. Can you move some of the art supplies and other items out - she can come and get them when she wants but they are kept somewhere else? Be very consistent and repetitive and where you keep things and with a very consistent routine. Every day as soon as she walks in the door after school, go through the afterschool checklist...put your lunch bag on the counter, put your notebook/any papers from school in the yellow box, put your shoes in the closet etc....last item on the checklist is to recheck the checklist as often kids skip one or forget where they were at. Reduce stimuli during task times. No TV or music on in the background while working through a checklist. For some kids listening to music in earbuds actually helps them be more organized as it blocks out all other stimulation (people talking , noises in the background), but other kids just get lost in the music. Look in your child's room at how she naturally organizes. Not that she is organized but she may still have some method to her disorganization and you can use that pattern or habit to build on. |