Clean/Messy dichotomy in marriage
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Anonymous
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How do y'all deal with an overly messy spouse to your clean or vice-versa
I have no problem with living in a house, i.e. items on a table overnight, mail stacked up for a couple days, etc. My husband, though, is that kind of messy that leaves everything out on counters/every available horizontal surface, rendering the kitchen table, kitchen counters, etc. unusable if I am not constantly after it. The blessing is, is that the dishes are always done - so no food left anywhere - but the paper trails he leaves make me nuts. His personal spaces (workshop and office) look like a hoarder lives there. This is beyond just a bit messy. Quite sure his unmedicated (refuses) ADD is the cause. I love him, lots of good things about him, but seeing things all over makes my head cluttered and I can't think straight. I love him, but after 20 years, living with him into old age feels tiring. Anyone else dealing with such a situation? |
Anonymous
| Who diagnosed him with ADD? Talk to that mental health professional for ideas on managing this. |
Anonymous
| Doctor did. He won't medicate. |
Anonymous
| I was just having these same thoughts today. Only in our case, it's crumbs, dust, dirt, and pet hair that my DH doesn't see. He leaves glasses all over the house too. And he will put the dishes away, but then he leaves all the coffee grounds, bits of onion, spilled whatever all over the counter - again, rendering it more or less useless (and unsanitary). I love it when he takes business trips because I don't have to spend every waking minute cleaning and I actually get a life again. No words of advice. Just sympathy. My DH was this way when I married him and I knew it. I accept that this is something that won't change. He's a great guy in every other way. |
Anonymous
| Yep, that's what I've done PP. But 20 years into the marriage, I've found the disorganization in the house is just part of the problem and I'm wondering whether love will be enough. Simply put, I'm tired and ready for some order. |
Anonymous
| My husband is messy. He leaves dishes around and mail on the table, coats on the chair instead of in the closet. I do some of these things sometimes, too so I'm not totally innocent but the clutter drives me nuts so I've been making a real effort to keep after it. He has always been like this and we lived together before getting married so I knew what I was getting into. The mess makes me feel anxious. But we got the house organized and everything has a place now, and now that it only takes 15 minutes to get everything cleaned up, he's a lot better at keeping things tidy. |
Anonymous
Me too. I get angry regularly. |
Anonymous
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Yep, same problem here. My husband always claims he is "working on it," but I don't really see any evidence thereof.
A couple ideas: 1. Can you hire a cleaning service to do some of the work so less of it falls to you? Or if you already have cleaning help, can you increase it? My dad is an incredibly messy guy, and I was surprised to learn his cleaning service actually does dishes and picks up clothes. (Is that normal?) I'm guessing with some negotiation, you could pay someone to do whatever it is that needs doing. 2. OP, you said the dishes are always done. Is your husband doing them? Are there other household chores he is willing to do in exchange for you having to be the picker upper? I don't mind cleaning up after my husband nearly as much when he is doing some other work around the house that I don't want to do. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Haha, ladies. My DH is the neat freak, and it drives me crazy! He's always "cleaning" and putting things away. I can never find anything I need, because he has cleaned it away somewhere. As a working mom, I need to leave things out in the open, or I will forget about it (school forms, keys, wallet, phone, unbrella, ect.) Anyone want to trade? I don't mind the dirt much. Other people's dirt is gross, but our family dirt doesn't make me crazy. |
Anonymous
| This kind of sounds like it could be my wife describing me. LOL! The only difference is that even though I do probably have ADD &/or ADHD, I've never been diagnosed with it. I think part of my clutter problem is that we have way too much stuff. I grew up fairly poor, so I have a tendency of keeping things for far too long and not letting go. Maybe that's part of his problem? |
Anonymous
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I was very messy before I met my DH (left things out everywhere). He is a neat freak. We have compromised. I do not leave things out in common areas and never leave my clothes out anymore (okay, sometimes a few build up on my dresser until he says something). I do have an issue with papers building up in a pile on the kitchen counter as well although they are usually contained to one space. Same thing - they usually build until he says something. But he tries not to nag too much and I try to not be too messy.
We also have a cleaning lady come once a week and that helps. The playroom is another story... |
Anonymous
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Married almost 26 years. I am a neat freak, almost to the point of OCD. My husband and kids would probably say I am obsessive about keeping the house clean. My husband leaves a disaster wherever he is. It starts when he walks in the door. He is law enforcement, so he leaves a trail of his belt, badge, creds, handcuffs, holster, swipy thing for the door, keys, papers, briefcase, cell,....from the front door to the bedroom. I just walk behind him picking stuff up. It takes me ten seconds to gather all the stuff up and put it away. Not worth bugging him about. Same thing with dirty clothes. They almost make it into the hamper, but not quite. Takes me about 2 seconds to put them all the way in.
Coffee cups left out? Less than five seconds to put them in the dishwasher. He is a techie and is always working on some computer project. I find computer parts, drives, disks, books,...all over the office. Takes me maybe five minutes to put them away. My point is that in a healthy marriage, you just can't sweat the little stuff. My husband is not going to change. I could nag him about it and for a few days he would probably try really hard to pick up after himself. But I don't want to nag him. I am absolutely positive that there are things I do that make him a little crazy. Other than being messy, he is a wonderful husband and father. If he were tracking mud all over the floor or leaving food everywhere it would be different. But just papers and stuff? It's easy to pick up behind him. It takes me a minimal amount of time and effort. And it's just not worth becoming a nagging wife over something so little. |
Anonymous
Same here, including the poor background and I have the same issue. I'm very together and thorough in other areas of my life (work, kid, studies, etc) but totally suck at the organization piece. I hold onto things forever too. I think I'm undiagnosed ADD, but I really don't see the point of taking a pill for disorganization. I just opt for a monthly housekeeper. |
Anonymous
| 12:44, you are like my first serious boyfriend. He was borderline OCD as well and he found it much easier also to "tolerate me" and do it himself, because I usually didn't organize to his standards anyway, not for lack of trying. |
Anonymous
| You're all an inspiration. Really long marriages and two points stand out. The part where husband(s) are good men in other areas that matter. The part where the woman stated NOT WORTH becoming a nagging wife. True. I hope you all keep your relationships and if necessary get help to work it out. Love and marriage are worth fighting to save. Especially in these times. God Bless. |