First grade daughter wants to cancel next week's play date

[Anonymous]

Last week my daughter asked if she could have a play date with the new girl in her class. I spoke with the mom a couple of days ago and arranged for her daughter to come to our house next week to play.

This morning my daughter said that she didn't want the girl to come over after all because "I don't really think that we will play well together". I know that I'm not getting the whole story from her (will have my husband talk to her about it instead later today). My daughter is outgoing and well-liked and I don't want the new girl to feel snubbed but do I force my daughter to have a play date that she doesn't want to have? My daughter hasn't said anything negative about the new girl but I can't quite get at what the real issue is. I'll keep trying- at the risk of seeming pushy. I'm hoping to get to the bottom of things soon.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Well, I think what I'd do in this case is say something along the lines of, "Huh. Why do you think so?" and see what she has to say, and probably not go out of my way to cancel. I think you're probably right that there's more to the story, but first graders should be learning to navigate this stuff on their own a bit. Then, depending on what she says, respond accordingly.

[Anonymous]

In other words, OP, I'd probably handle it just like you are.

[Anonymous]

I would push more, but barring.a good answer I would make her keep the play date. Inviting someone over and then uninviting them for less than exceptional reasons is rude, and I don't think a first grader is too young to learn that lesson, and to learn that decisions / actions have consequences, I.e, if you make a commitment to someone or something you keep it, even if it's not what you really want to do.

And of course I would help my daughter brainstorm ways to make the play date be fun after all, but I would make her have it.

[Anonymous]

Don't cancel. You're DD needs to learn to stick to her committments. If she asks, you explain that the playdate is already scheduled and you're a family that meets their committments to others. If she renews her concerns, then you can help her brainstorm what they might enjoy doing together. Talk about what the responsibilities of a good hostess are. That discussion might give you more of the underlying story.

In the event that your DD is right, I would also be prepared to be more involved than you typically are with a prepared craft or baking project, or even trip to the park if the weather permits.

[Anonymous]

I would continue the conversation - not pushing, but casually. But I would insist on keeping the play date and, like PP said, help your daughter think of fun things to do (or propose them to her).

[Anonymous]

I think you're on the right track to continue to probe a bit. Asking her outright may or may not work; some questions along the lines of "What kinds of things do you think you and X would like to do on your play date?" might help bring out the details. I do agree with others on keeping the play date (unless your child reveals that this other girl has hit her, or bullied her, or otherwise there are real issues).

Be sure to have some specific things ready for them to do -- Do not just usher in the new girl and say, "OK, go play." Have some crafts ready to go, with stuff out on the table and not still packaged up; have some games out already; have your daughter get out something she likes to play with and wants to share. Having some options ready and right there in front of them can avoid the "Uh, what do you want to do?" "I dunno, what do YOU want to do?" awkwardness of a first play date -- especially if your daughter is already feeling unsure about it. Later on, kids are great at running off and doing their own thing, but in this situation it might help to have some options of things they can be focusing on besides each other. Breaking in during a play date with a snack time also can help kids who are tentative around each other.

Also, explore the possibility that your daughter just may be feeling nervous about what to say, what to do; she may be worried she'll bore this new girl. It's possible she actually just wants to impress the other girl and is a bit nervous that she won't. Yes, it's possible too that there's something wrong between them, but the problem also could be that your daughter is just worried about whether the play date will go well.

[Anonymous]

I agree about honoring her commitments. I say make it a 1 hour playdate, and tell your DD that if they don't have fun she certainly doesn't have to have another playdate with her after that. But she does have to try for the one's that already set up, and be a gracious hostess.

[Anonymous]

For heaven's sake. They are in 1st grade. What could the trouble actually be??? Even if the new girl was a B*tch at school, she'd probably get along just fine with your daughter in a one-on-one situation.

Seriously, I wouldn't change plans on a 1st grader's unspecified whim. They can make nice (and probably will have a lovely time) b/c they just aren't that advanced socially -- wait until 3rd grade and beyond when kids are at very different speeds.

Things can be very different when it's a one-on-one situation and there isn't any "competition" for attention like there is at school.

Keep the invitation. You made it, you keep it unless you're sick.

[Anonymous]

I would keep it to something simple as others have said. I would keep it to an hour as well. It could be something simple like going to Whole Foods or whatever and letting each one picking out a funky new drink or 1 small treat and then taking the girl home. It could be an outing to the local public library for a reading. It doesn't have to cost anything, but I would try to make it outside of the hosue to keep it as short as possible.

I agree that kids should learn to honor their word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For heaven's sake. They are in 1st grade. What could the trouble actually be??? Even if the new girl was a B*tch at school, she'd probably get along just fine with your daughter in a one-on-one situation.

Seriously, I wouldn't change plans on a 1st grader's unspecified whim. They can make nice (and probably will have a lovely time) b/c they just aren't that advanced socially -- wait until 3rd grade and beyond when kids are at very different speeds.

Things can be very different when it's a one-on-one situation and there isn't any "competition" for attention like there is at school.

Keep the invitation. You made it, you keep it unless you're sick.

+1. OP, I cannot imagine anything seriously wrong with this child that should cause your daughter to hesitate to interact. My fear would be, if she is the outgoing popular kid, is she already worrying about what others will think if she befriends this new child, who may not yet be part of the clique? And I hope you agree that it would be absolutely wrong to allow her to cancel the play date if that is the case.

[Anonymous]

Similar thing happened with my K daughter.

Agreed to have a playdate with "Alicia" who was always asking for one. Later on told me she didn't like Alicia and didn't want her at our house. Gave no specific reasons.

Kept the playdate, they had a great time. Fast forward four months and they are really good friends who play all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar thing happened with my K daughter.

Agreed to have a playdate with "Alicia" who was always asking for one. Later on told me she didn't like Alicia and didn't want her at our house. Gave no specific reasons.

Kept the playdate, they had a great time. Fast forward four months and they are really good friends who play all the time.

This. Keep the play date. First graders always change their minds.

[Anonymous]

Agree..offer lots of structure..when she gets here we will bake cookies for a snack...then you can take out the orgami set...play a wii.game...go outside... Don't cancel..

[Anonymous]

I would just tell your daughter that she can't cancel because it is already set up, but that you don't have to have another playdate if it doesn't go well.