First grade daughter wants to cancel next week's play date

[Anonymous]

OP here-

DH had a talk with DD this past weekend and she admitted that she didn't like the way the new girl smelled (I didn't see that coming). I still don't know if it's an issue my daughter personally has with her or if it's a problem her friends have with her. I don't know if it's an ongoing issue or a one time thing. I also don't know if it's a food smell or an needs a bath smell. My daughter has an EXTREMELY sensitive nose.

In any case, we've made it clear that she WILL have the play date this week. We told her that even if she doesn't like the way that a person (or their clothes) smells it doesn't make them any less of a good, fun or kind person.

She was NOT happy with us but she'll get over it.

To 13:53- There are PLENTY of things that can happen in first grade to make a person legitimately want to cancel a play date. Not all children are kind (in fact many are down right horrid). A different girl in her class likes to tell the other girls that they are fat and ugly. She's extremely adept at relational aggression (I've seen her in action myself). My daughter used to be very friendly with this girl until the nastiness started. She is one who can't be trusted in a class or one on one.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I am so floored by all this. I do not remember any of this at such a young age. I Experienced some of this too with my 5 year old. I even caught her in a mean girl situation. I was greatly saddened by this. The situation was corrected but it has happened. Few times.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of reasons not to want to get involved with certain kids at age six. Mostly it has to do with their parents--different values, you don't like them, gossips, etc. still have to honor the playdate, but maybe not another.

[Anonymous]

It is absolutely the right thing to do to make her maintain the playdate. I had a classmate in grade school who did smell - she was obviously clean, but always had an bad odor. I am sure it was a medical issue that she could not help. A few kids did pick on her, but most people were nice. However, although most people were not cruel to her, she did not have many close friends. I felt really bad for her situation. On the other hand, the smell really, really bothered me, and although I was always kind to her, we were not close friends. It would be awful for the child's self esteem if the playdate were cancelled.

[Anonymous]

OP any updates? How did the play date go?

[Anonymous]

The play date didn't happen because the girl had the flu. So I guess DD got lucky, but I admit that I'm disappointed in her. My daughter is a leader, highly socially savvy and very pretty- so she doesn't often get left out of things. Although it may seem mean to say, I think she needs to experience it a bit more to develop true empathy for others in that situation. DH and I talk to her about it and she knows what we want to hear but when it comes down to it I just want her to make more of an effort. I was nothing like DD when I was her age. I was average looking, socially awkward and VERY introverted.

Everyone gets left out of something at some point (some people more than others) so I know DD's time will come. From what I've seen and heard DD isn't mean to her (she's generally not a mean person) but she is barely polite. KWIM? I feel bad for the girl. She's changed schools in the middle of the year, she's the largest kid in the class, her clothes don't seem to fit well and she is African-American in a school where there aren't many. I know that if DD "let" the girl join her group, everyone else would follow along. While I'm glad that my daughter gets lots of play dates and party invitations, this situation has left me feeling sad.

Any suggestion would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing what you can. Talk to your DD about how she'd feel if she were the new girl. Would she want the playdate re-scheduled if she missed because she was sick. Short of rescheduling the playdate, there is a limit to what you can do here. I have a similarly social, extroverted girl. She is now in fourth grade and with maturity it is now clear that my DD has a pretty good sense of what characteristics she likes in a friend and I'm not going to be able to bend that much. I of course insist on kindness and polite behavior and I focus my efforts there, not on making her friends with someone she's not interested in.

I recently have felt the need to emphasize the importance of humility. My DD has a lot of confidence, which is great . . . .but there is a line you don't want to cross into being too full of yourself. I think first grade may be too early to introduce this message, but you'll know when the time is right. My DD does get annoyed with one friend who brags ALOT. I've used that as an opportunity to remind her that she too should be humble and consious of others' feelings. No one likes a braggart and no one is great at everything.

The truth is, you can not do the sort of social engineering you'd like to. The girls will establish their own circles of friends very soon. I found that in first grade everyone was a potential friend, by fourth grade--no really. Friendships shift slightly based on classroom assignments every year, but the rough outlines of her circles of friends are established. Focus on kindness, good manners, respect for everyone. Good luck.