What to do when you don't like your DD's choice of friend?

[Anonymous]

My DD (13) has an again off again relationship with a friend who has caused her endless problems, and gotten her into trouble at school. This girl has emotional problems and leads to endless needless drama, and many hours wasted time on fb, hanging out, etc. She has charisma, but she is not a good influence on my DD. Life was great without her, but now she is back What to do? Please, my DD is easily influenced, and the other girl has friends -- it is not that we need to "help " her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD (13) has an again off again relationship with a friend who has caused her endless problems, and gotten her into trouble at school. This girl has emotional problems and leads to endless needless drama, and many hours wasted time on fb, hanging out, etc. She has charisma, but she is not a good influence on my DD. Life was great without her, but now she is back What to do? Please, my DD is easily influenced, and the other girl has friends -- it is not that we need to "help " her.

Try not to tell her "no" directly...most kids will want what they aren't supposed to have.

By the same token - for us - we talk about "wise choices" and "be prepared". To paraphrase myself:

I've told my DD in a similar case - that you should work your way to the top, not sink down to the bottom. That "Girl X" may have changed - but be careful (and use the past as your guide). Mom and dad aren't going to tolerate if DD's grades/behavior slips. We have seen that before with Girl X and DD....and we can't be responsible for Girl X. But our expectations are still high for DD. Suggest that DD become a better friend and lead Girl X to make better choices - otherwise we'd recommend that DD choose other friends.

Seems to have worked for us..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD (13) has an again off again relationship with a friend who has caused her endless problems, and gotten her into trouble at school. This girl has emotional problems and leads to endless needless drama, and many hours wasted time on fb, hanging out, etc. She has charisma, but she is not a good influence on my DD. Life was great without her, but now she is back What to do? Please, my DD is easily influenced, and the other girl has friends -- it is not that we need to "help " her.

Try not to tell her "no" directly...most kids will want what they aren't supposed to have.

By the same token - for us - we talk about "wise choices" and "be prepared". To paraphrase myself:

I've told my DD in a similar case - that you should work your way to the top, not sink down to the bottom. That "Girl X" may have changed - but be careful (and use the past as your guide). Mom and dad aren't going to tolerate if DD's grades/behavior slips. We have seen that before with Girl X and DD....and we can't be responsible for Girl X. But our expectations are still high for DD. Suggest that DD become a better friend and lead Girl X to make better choices - otherwise we'd recommend that DD choose other friends.

Seems to have worked for us..

Oh, ick . . . "work your way to the top"? Seriously?

I really try to teach my DD not to "rank" people. If someone is troubled or struggling with something, it calls for compassion. It doesn't excuse bad behavior and it doesn't require her to hang out with someone who makes her feel bad, but its possible to say "this is not the right person for me," without saying "I am above this person."

Its difficult to see what the issue is here. "Endless drama and hours wasted on facebook" is pretty much life for many 13 year-olds. If it wasn't this girl, there would still be drama and hours on facebook. The getting in trouble at school is something else entirely.

You can't tell her not to be friends with someone. Usually girls figure this out on their own. The best you can do is not facilitate the friendship by making plans with the girl.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your replies. I am leaving out details about her friend for privacy reasons -- she is only 13, and not my place to air the exact actions. Still is not a good friend for my DD.

[Anonymous]

I try to make my house the "fun" house and have my kids bring their friends over. Which really isn't that hard because most kids think any house other than theirs is fun. That way I get to know their friends, and there's some measure of control over what they do. I also suggest a lot of fun activities and take them. If they are engaged in more positive activities vs. just sitting around the house, there are fewer opportunities to cause trouble.

I will also encourage my son to invite over kids I think are nicer/easier/kinder. "Hey, Joey, Eric hasn't been over here in a while. Why don't you invite him over on Saturday. Or maybe laser tag?"

In my experience, though, kids like your daughter's friend are feeling lost and trying to figure out how to have friends and be popular. And sadly, being a "mean" girl, "drama" girl, etc., can work, at least for awhile. If you give her a taste of a fun, stable way to socialize, it might be beneficial to all involved. I'm not saying make her your pet project, but if your kid insists on hanging out with her, this might be a way to make things better.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like the plot of that movie Thirteen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD (13) has an again off again relationship with a friend who has caused her endless problems, and gotten her into trouble at school. This girl has emotional problems and leads to endless needless drama, and many hours wasted time on fb, hanging out, etc. She has charisma, but she is not a good influence on my DD. Life was great without her, but now she is back What to do? Please, my DD is easily influenced, and the other girl has friends -- it is not that we need to "help " her.

Try not to tell her "no" directly...most kids will want what they aren't supposed to have.

By the same token - for us - we talk about "wise choices" and "be prepared". To paraphrase myself:

I've told my DD in a similar case - that you should work your way to the top, not sink down to the bottom. That "Girl X" may have changed - but be careful (and use the past as your guide). Mom and dad aren't going to tolerate if DD's grades/behavior slips. We have seen that before with Girl X and DD....and we can't be responsible for Girl X. But our expectations are still high for DD. Suggest that DD become a better friend and lead Girl X to make better choices - otherwise we'd recommend that DD choose other friends.

Seems to have worked for us..

Oh, ick . . . "work your way to the top"? Seriously?

I really try to teach my DD not to "rank" people. If someone is troubled or struggling with something, it calls for compassion. It doesn't excuse bad behavior and it doesn't require her to hang out with someone who makes her feel bad, but its possible to say "this is not the right person for me," without saying "I am above this person."

Its difficult to see what the issue is here. "Endless drama and hours wasted on facebook" is pretty much life for many 13 year-olds. If it wasn't this girl, there would still be drama and hours on facebook. The getting in trouble at school is something else entirely.

You can't tell her not to be friends with someone. Usually girls figure this out on their own. The best you can do is not facilitate the friendship by making plans with the girl.

Yes, this "top... bottom" language is disturbing. OP, did you really mean to suggest such overt ranking?

[Anonymous]

I let them see each other at school. All electronics are checked in at 8pm and we have homework and activities so there is not a tremendous amount of time to waste with useless friends. If Girl X wants to hang out on the weekend I always ask what time and day and then say oh bummer we have plans no can do. I will usually offer to take Girl X along with us for the plans that I then make up on the spot. Most of the time, Girl X turns us down.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. Yes, it is a bit like the movie 13, but on a much smaller scale. Note at the end of 13 the one being influenced gets the blame? I did not start the top/bottom thing. It is not about that. 19:39 good one.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had some questionable friends that I know my mother didn't like throughout middle and high school, I say do not interfere. Make sure you are still consistent in your household expectations and rules, but do not try to influence your daughter not to be friends with someone. That will not end well with a 13 year old, if she is anything like I was.

[Anonymous]

I am sure it depends on the personality of the child so may not work with yours. We told our ds that " billy" had been a friend of his for some time and we recognized that and that we were sure " billy" would grow up to be a fine man. But, right now, it was not a good fit for him ( our ds.) Also, we said our ds was never to be unkind to " billy" but that he had to start keeping his distance from him. We worked through a few scenarios if "billy " approached him at lunch or to hang out after school. It worked and they drifted apart. I will say our son is pretty compliant and I do think at some level he recognized " billy" had some unhealthy things going on in his life so it all worked out. I guess I am just sharing that we tried to keep it about timing, good choices, family issues on the other side that might influence behavior. We never wanted it to be about " we don't like him, bad kid, or anything like that. Now, ds is only 13, not sure if it will be this easy at 16 or with a girlfriend!

[Anonymous]

Well, as a parent of a 20 year old who's made some pretty poor choices over her life because of friends "who has caused her endless problems, and gotten her into trouble at school", etc., I'm finally realizing it's my DD who may be the "bad" one. I thought my child was easily influenced, thrill seeking, naively getting caught up in other's troubles and dramas, but finally I see DD is the common denominator. Of course I have no idea if this is your situation, but it's something to consider and treat just in case.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend from 13-15 who I was told I couldnt see.

She was sweet and fun, but really messed up - came from an abusive household, parents on drugs, liar, ran away from her grandmother, and was very promiscuous.

My parents didnt know all the details but they didnt like what they did know and did not allow me to see her. I snuck out to see her as often as possible and did things I would not have done with my other friends, but also felt like I was the only sane thing in her life.

Eventually she got involved with a very possessive boyfriend who didnt allow her to see me. She was pregnant at 16 and we stopped talking shortly after that. It was too late for me in some respects, as I became involved with a guy that I would never have encountered but for her.

I'll never know if my parents did the right thing, but I always think that if they had allowed me to spend time with her, but at our house or under more supervised circumstances, I wouldnt have gotten into the situations that I did because I had to sneak around.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I have not told her they cannot see each other. Just passively blocked seeing every weekend as they would like. They have some activities together.

[Anonymous]

Keep the enemy close. Keep the lines of communication open. "DD, I get that you really like this girl. You know how I can always love you, but sometimes not love things you do or say? Well, it's okay for you to like your friend but not like some of the things she does or says - you can still be a loyal friend despite that. Can you explain to me what you like so much about her?"

My DD wanted to go off to the mall with a friend I thought was slutty. I let her go. The friend was using her to meet boys at the mall, and fooled around with 2, ditching my DD. She had a miserable time. We talked about it after DD finished pouting. "How did you feel when she abandoned you? When you agreed to go to the mall with her, what did you think your afternoon would be like? What do you wish your friend would have done instead? What do you intend to say to your friend about it?"