Obese Husband and No Sex

[Anonymous]

My husband is obese and has no interest in sex anymore. He denies that this is a problem, but it is. We did it once over the holidays. That is all I remember from the last 3-4 months. To be honest, I'm not the attracted to him at his weight, but life goes on. Is he self-conscious? Is it hormonal? How do I get him to snap out of it?

FWIW, he will not talk about it and just says he's working on losing weight and initiating more, but isn't actually doing so. I'm over being shot down and feel ready to give up...

[Anonymous]

You are doing enough to help him out. It is your fault he doesn't want to have sex, if you were a better partner he would. he is probably just to tired and too stressed form everything he does for your family to be interested in sex. his weight has nothing to do with it. you are a horrible person for not loving him for who he is and not how he looks. You are probably abusive and controlling. He should divorce you and get out now before it gets worse.

This is the response you would get if you posted this as a man about your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are doing enough to help him out. It is your fault he doesn't want to have sex, if you were a better partner he would. he is probably just to tired and too stressed form everything he does for your family to be interested in sex. his weight has nothing to do with it. you are a horrible person for not loving him for who he is and not how he looks. You are probably abusive and controlling. He should divorce you and get out now before it gets worse.

This is the response you would get if you posted this as a man about your wife.

Well, that is really helpful. If we're playing that game, though, I do love him. I adore him and wouldn't dream of divorce. I want to have sex with him even though he is really obese and it isn't my thing because appearance isn't everything. As for the rest, I'm the higher earner and do more around the house. Now what?

[Anonymous]

OP, Ignore 15:19. I am in a similar situation. There is nothing unless I initiate. He says he is self-conscious bc of his weight. It's not that I don't believe him, I do. It is still very hard and very demoralizing to me. I don't have advice for you but I do have sympathy.

[Anonymous]

This is the response you would get if you posted this as a man about your wife.

LOL!

[Anonymous]

Just curious, how obese is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, how obese is he?

BMI of around 40.

[Anonymous]

Since you adore him my suggestion is to not mention his weight unless it is the context of health. My DH has also gained a lot of weight and I do not bring it up. He sometimes mentions it to me and wants the lights off when we are intimate but he at least continues to want sex. When we talk about his weight I do not focus on his appearance but on his health. I'm sorry because I can see this is tough. For me the good news is my dh has recently started to diet, exercise, and lose weight.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. My guess is that being obese feels almost as bad as being super pregnant. I almost doubled my weight and felt like a blob and didn't want to move. Was so exhausted all the time. Being obese is probably exhausting and a drag on one's mojo.

My suggestion is to "warm the oven" and see if that sparks interest. Also, encourage him to walk everyday with you and try to eat more protein and vegetable dinners and only buy low-fat snacks so that it will be easier for him to start the process of losing weight.

Hope this helps - good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you adore him my suggestion is to not mention his weight unless it is the context of health. My DH has also gained a lot of weight and I do not bring it up. He sometimes mentions it to me and wants the lights off when we are intimate but he at least continues to want sex. When we talk about his weight I do not focus on his appearance but on his health. I'm sorry because I can see this is tough. For me the good news is my dh has recently started to diet, exercise, and lose weight.

Do you really think he doesn't see through that? Ugh, the passive-aggressiveness is revolting.

[Anonymous]

Is he self-conscious? I don’t think so. He seems to lack awareness and be immature.

Is it hormonal? Medically, it’s probably having an impact.

How do I get him to snap out of it? If you can answer this, you could sell the solution and be a billionaire overnight.

He is emotionally crippled and there is very little that you can do about it. If you have children, you can help them so they do not have the same problem as adults. Too often, society calls it emotionally abusive or verbally abusive if you say anything critical to anyone about anything. This does not help kids develop the coping and maturity skills needed as an adult. It seems that your husband lacks those skills and you do not.

Provide both positive feedback and also critical feedback to your children and help them improve so they do not lack the same skills as an adult. Odds are the schools and other social institutions that your family attends will not do that (they will instead call this bullying). As for your husband, don’t be afraid to try everything and see what works.

Good Luck

[Anonymous]

OP, is depression contributing to his obesity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is depression contributing to his obesity?

I personally think it might be but he denies that as well and won't talk about it or go the doctor, much less a therapist. He won't engage, so I don't know how to help him or get him to really realize that he isn't meeting my needs as a spouse on a number of levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you adore him my suggestion is to not mention his weight unless it is the context of health. My DH has also gained a lot of weight and I do not bring it up. He sometimes mentions it to me and wants the lights off when we are intimate but he at least continues to want sex. When we talk about his weight I do not focus on his appearance but on his health. I'm sorry because I can see this is tough. For me the good news is my dh has recently started to diet, exercise, and lose weight.

That's stupid. Appearance matters. You shouldn't dance around it.

[Anonymous]

OP, does he have trouble getting or maintaining an erection? Is that what is keeping him from wanting to have sex with you? If you think this might even remotely be the case you need to get him to his primary for a complete physical as he may well be having heart or blood pressure issues. This is nothing to take lightly and medication/along with diet and exercise should help his "functionality" as well as potentially save his life. Insist he go get a check-up!