Obese Husband and No Sex

[Anonymous]

OP, don't give up, fight. Is he willing to go to marital counseling and individual counseling for his depression or whatever he's going through and the effect that it's having on you and the kids?

His addiction could leave his children fatherless. This situation is more than about your sex life, his weight is a matter of life and death. Or worse, he can develop chronic health problems forcing you into becoming his caregiver.

If you care about yourself and your children demand that he seek help NOW.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a slot of sympathy for your situation, but wish that this thread had been titled differently. It is just overwhelmingly negative. I think all that you can do is to support him in his weight loss efforts. Perhaps even as he loses just a small amount of weight, he will feel more confident and be more interested in sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a slot of sympathy for your situation, but wish that this thread had been titled differently. It is just overwhelmingly negative. I think all that you can do is to support him in his weight loss efforts. Perhaps even as he loses just a small amount of weight, he will feel more confident and be more interested in sex.

OP here. He really isn't making any efforts that I could support. I am in a negative place that is more about me at the moment, but I know you're right that I shouldn't be so hard on him. I've spent years gently nudging and suggesting walks and outdoor activities and buying healthy foods and giving him contact information for doctors and discussing therapy. Everything has just stayed the same. I'm frustrated that he not only doesn't respect himself, but he doesn't respect me as a spouse. I'm too hurt and emotionally raw to even broach him as a father to our kids on a forum like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a slot of sympathy for your situation, but wish that this thread had been titled differently. It is just overwhelmingly negative. I think all that you can do is to support him in his weight loss efforts. Perhaps even as he loses just a small amount of weight, he will feel more confident and be more interested in sex.

OP here. He really isn't making any efforts that I could support. I am in a negative place that is more about me at the moment, but I know you're right that I shouldn't be so hard on him. I've spent years gently nudging and suggesting walks and outdoor activities and buying healthy foods and giving him contact information for doctors and discussing therapy. Everything has just stayed the same. I'm frustrated that he not only doesn't respect himself, but he doesn't respect me as a spouse. I'm too hurt and emotionally raw to even broach him as a father to our kids on a forum like this.

OP, I think it might be helpful for you to seek a good therapist. Things just have to change, if you're not already depressed, you're probably on the verge. This is a very powerless situation especially if your DH is behaving in such a passive-aggressive manner, there's no way you can feel empowered as his spouse and as a mother.

Clearly, he doesn't feel that you will get fed up and leave with the children.

[Anonymous]

Get him on the T!

[Anonymous]

Your husband can adopt healthier behaviors, but neither you not he can necessarily change his size. Successful long term weight loss is nearly impossible, and dieting and re/gaining is much worse than staying big in terms of its negative impact in long-term health.

But if hat you care most about is his health, not just his appearance, he can get much healthier over time with more exercise and nutritious foods.

What I wonder, though, is whether there is something medical underlying all this...low testosterone, depression, thyroid, or all of the above. In diagnosed sleep apnea is also a huge cause of metabolic problems and eight gain, and when you are chronically sleep deprived, it's got a huge impact on energy and sex drive. If he is sick, this is not an issue of respect, for you or for himself.

I highly suggest that you tell him that you need him to see a doctor, period. It's not negotiable. His behavior is indicative of a health problem that is hurting your family. It's not about the fat itself; it's about why he is at and what the effects are in your family. I have a feeling you could be happy with him at his current size and shape if he were full of energy, full of sex drive, exercised often, and ate well. (Right?) If so, tell him that. "It's not about your fat. It's about you not participating fully in our marriage."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I highly suggest that you tell him that you need him to see a doctor, period. It's not negotiable. His behavior is indicative of a health problem that is hurting your family. It's not about the fat itself; it's about why he is at and what the effects are in your family. I have a feeling you could be happy with him at his current size and shape if he were full of energy, full of sex drive, exercised often, and ate well. (Right?) If so, tell him that. "It's not about your fat. It's about you not participating fully in our marriage."

Best advice on this whole thread!!!

[Anonymous]

I am not married yet to my boyfriend but when I met him he was 550 pounds 6'7 and I was 190 5'7, he had gastric bypass and went down to 325, was about to have surgery for flab but canceled out because insurance would not pay for his man breast but for stomach and pubic area fat only, I to was once 300 pounds had lap band five years before we met and down to the 190 we have been together for six years and we have sex once a month, since the first year we met he is back to 450, I have tried dieting,exercise,pills even an revision on his bypass, only promise and blameing me for our sex life, I've never felt him totally in me and oral sex is not working and I don't like the toys, I want him so we can have the intimacy part,but his response is if u don't like it just leave because I know I'm a good man,this I know but I don't know what to do because I love him and he would make a good husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not married yet to my boyfriend but when I met him he was 550 pounds 6'7 and I was 190 5'7, he had gastric bypass and went down to 325, was about to have surgery for flab but canceled out because insurance would not pay for his man breast but for stomach and pubic area fat only, I to was once 300 pounds had lap band five years before we met and down to the 190 we have been together for six years and we have sex once a month, since the first year we met he is back to 450, I have tried dieting,exercise,pills even an revision on his bypass, only promise and blameing me for our sex life, I've never felt him totally in me and oral sex is not working and I don't like the toys, I want him so we can have the intimacy part,but his response is if u don't like it just leave because I know I'm a good man,this I know but I don't know what to do because I love him and he would make a good husband.

You can't feel him during sex? Is it because the fat is covering up his penis?

Can you guys join some knd of program together or hire a trainer to help you both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is depression contributing to his obesity?

I personally think it might be but he denies that as well and won't talk about it or go the doctor, much less a therapist. He won't engage, so I don't know how to help him or get him to really realize that he isn't meeting my needs as a spouse on a number of levels.

OP - Keep paying the life insurance premiums. Borrow a bunch of books from the public library about widowhood and strew them about the house. Hope you have better luck with your next husband.

[Anonymous]

We tried that but he will start and want follow through,he is a truck driver he works 70 hours a week on blood thinners and hbp medicine and drinks 2 to 3 monsters a day and after that he is to exhausted I guest for anything else and we are 41,and yes me not feeling him is due to hidden penis even with the 3 positions we can do and one of those I can't feel him at all

[Anonymous]

Both of you ladies have morbidly obese men, not just fat, level 3, medically dangerous obese men. Get them to a doctor and you both go on the diet with them. The more you go along, the better for you both.

Good luck. I know it's going to be rough. When you're killing yourself with food it's still a suicide.

[Anonymous]

Very true, thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are doing enough to help him out. It is your fault he doesn't want to have sex, if you were a better partner he would. he is probably just to tired and too stressed form everything he does for your family to be interested in sex. his weight has nothing to do with it. you are a horrible person for not loving him for who he is and not how he looks. You are probably abusive and controlling. He should divorce you and get out now before it gets worse.

This is the response you would get if you posted this as a man about your wife.

Hahahaha. I was just thinking this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you adore him my suggestion is to not mention his weight unless it is the context of health. My DH has also gained a lot of weight and I do not bring it up. He sometimes mentions it to me and wants the lights off when we are intimate but he at least continues to want sex. When we talk about his weight I do not focus on his appearance but on his health. I'm sorry because I can see this is tough. For me the good news is my dh has recently started to diet, exercise, and lose weight.

Do you really think he doesn't see through that? Ugh, the passive-aggressiveness is revolting.

Same question applies to every female when gender roles are reversed.