No one eats in this house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

O.k. just backtracked a bit and saw that they had all gone out to a restaurant for lunch and the in-laws were too full to make dinner. Restaurant portions are huge these days. If Op didn't bring home a doggy bag that means that Op had plenty of food at lunch to last through the rest of the day. If Op did bring a doggy bag home that would be dinner.

Sounds like Op wanted to eat that entire huge restaurant meal AND have a stick to your ribs sort of dinner. That's a lot of food!

I'm the first water poster, and I'm kind of laughing at the idea of bringing a doggy bag back to my mother's house. Like a PP, my mother is stressed out by someone having a glass of water in her kitchen. She's not going to tolerate outside food in the fridge, or on her countertop. "Kitchen is closed" means closed, it doesn't mean you can eat something you brought and put in her fridge or on her counter, and God forbid you eat elsewhere in the house!

I also have to say to the poster who commented on how old the relatives are, my mother is indeed elderly, which complicates things. When I was 20 and she was 60, I could deal with her coming into the kitchen over and over again to check up, but now she walks slowly and painfully, so having her "rush" (like a snail) into the kitchen because she heard an "awful noise" (the water running because I washed my hands before starting to chop the veggies she gave me permission to prep), is hard. I know it's illness, and while it's frustrating, it's also heartbreaking because I know she's experiencing physical pain because of it.

I'm lucky in that I live close by. We visit my mother in 3 or 4 hour increments, so we can eat before and after. The one time we spend the full day there is Christmas, and even then it's like 8 hours, and we have strategies. For example, my mom hates trash, and if you're fast you can volunteer to take out her trash (Christmas comes with lots of trash) and run to the little shop in her apartment building lobby for a snack. Then complain about how you "forgot" where the trash was so that's why it took so long.

You sound like a good daughter/son. I'm sorry you're having to deal with what sounds like a hard situation with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP. If I go into the kitchen to get a glass of water, after I leave the kitchen MIL heads in there, takes a look around to see what I was up to, then gets a dishcloth and dries the sink off completely.

One day we had one meal period, besides breakfast of Cheerios. That meal was a tray of Chik filet nuggets, no sides or other items.

At my ILs, there is lunch, or there is dinner, but there is not going to be both. MIL is very thin and harbors a lot of anxiety around food. She used to smoke to keep her weight down, now she just eats very very few calories every day. Just 2-3 glasses of wine for dinner. She talks about fasting a lot.

+1

That kind of anxiety is rampant about many things - not just food. Normal people do not need to control what other people eat. Funny story, my friend has a MIL like this. Friend went on vacation with them (I think it was one of the very few times, because there are always passive aggressive antics by the ILs), and there was something friend was allergic to, so she asked (when questioned) how she liked her (whatever it was for dinner) prepared. Friend replied "don't go through any fuss, I will eat it as is, just set a tiny bit aside, thank you so much". Friend has allergies but does not go on about them, plus she was pregnant at the time. Friend's MIL *purposefully* went out of her way to prepare the item exactly opposite what friend asked (nicely, when asked) - the following year, friend (who is not like this at all, I have known her for years) consumed the entire batch in front of MIL. Which would not be hilarious, unless you knew the people involved, and how unlike my friend her stunt was, in response to how typical her ILs are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand people just not wanting to eat food... but why get upset when other people in your house want to eat?? And get it from outside? What kind of weird mental illness is this where you get mad that other people are eating lunch?

Discretion. What they don't know will not irk them.

But why does it irk them, that OTHER PEOPLE are eating, even if it is their house? OK, I get that they might have issues of being overly controlling and they don't want their kitchen messed up. But why be upset if they say they are going out to eat? This isn't an eating disorder, it's some kind of "wanting others not to eat" disorder.

Personally, I'm quite lazy and prefer not to work out or exercise but if someone comes to visit me, and wants to exercise, I don't mind if they do. It would be so abnormal for me to say, "Why do you need to exercise? I feel fine." and get mad that they want to work out.

[Anonymous]

My MIL isn't as bad at this but she doesn't eat much at all and her fridge is bare. You're welcome to eat anything in it...but it's all expired and in tiny amounts. The last time I was there I went to make a sandwich and looked down to see mold all over the bread. The tag on the lunch meat said it had been bought a month before!

I ended up eating a few leftover tablespoons of Thai food. Like literally a tablespoon from three basically empty containers.

And if we go out to eat or go to the grocery store for supplies she bitches about us spending our visit out and about instead of with her. There's no winning.

Part of being a good host is making sure your guests are comfortable. We visit less because she's not a good host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand people just not wanting to eat food... but why get upset when other people in your house want to eat?? And get it from outside? What kind of weird mental illness is this where you get mad that other people are eating lunch?

Discretion. What they don't know will not irk them.

But why does it irk them, that OTHER PEOPLE are eating, even if it is their house? OK, I get that they might have issues of being overly controlling and they don't want their kitchen messed up. But why be upset if they say they are going out to eat? This isn't an eating disorder, it's some kind of "wanting others not to eat" disorder.

Personally, I'm quite lazy and prefer not to work out or exercise but if someone comes to visit me, and wants to exercise, I don't mind if they do. It would be so abnormal for me to say, "Why do you need to exercise? I feel fine." and get mad that they want to work out.

I think the hosts get upset because it looks like the guests think they are, indeed, poor hosts. The OP's MIL through a jar of peanut butter at her, I think partly because OP was implying that her MIL was not feeding her.

[Anonymous]

***threw a jar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Toasted PB and cream cheese sandwich is both a meal and a dessert. Add in some soup and that is a feast.

A peanut-butter-and-cream-cheese sandwich? I don't think I've ever heard of that before, and I am a fan of peanut-butter-and- sandwiches.

[Anonymous]

Have a car? Why is going to the grocery store yourself not a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a car? Why is going to the grocery store yourself not a thing?

We all have cars. I think the real problem is confronting the anxiety ridden freakout we will endure from our hosts if we bring in "foreign-foods". Many of you are advocating us to grow a pair but believe me it's easier said than done when the hosts are excellent at making you feel uncomfortable and as though you're walking on eggshells. Needless to say, I'm very glad to be back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a car? Why is going to the grocery store yourself not a thing?

We all have cars. I think the real problem is confronting the anxiety ridden freakout we will endure from our hosts if we bring in "foreign-foods". Many of you are advocating us to grow a pair but believe me it's easier said than done when the hosts are excellent at making you feel uncomfortable and as though you're walking on eggshells. Needless to say, I'm very glad to be back home.

I'm the person whose ex's mom had a "no outside foods" in the house rule. She would MELT down. But heaven forbid you dared "insult" her by leaving the house without inviting her to get food!

Also, she would call everyone who ate more than a bird "piggish." I once mentioned my mom liked cooking and she said "Oh, I don't because I'm thin. I bet your mother is overweight!" (My mother weighs 110 pounds at age 70).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a car? Why is going to the grocery store yourself not a thing?

We all have cars. I think the real problem is confronting the anxiety ridden freakout we will endure from our hosts if we bring in "foreign-foods". Many of you are advocating us to grow a pair but believe me it's easier said than done when the hosts are excellent at making you feel uncomfortable and as though you're walking on eggshells. Needless to say, I'm very glad to be back home.

I'm the person whose ex's mom had a "no outside foods" in the house rule. She would MELT down. But heaven forbid you dared "insult" her by leaving the house without inviting her to get food!

Also, she would call everyone who ate more than a bird "piggish." I once mentioned my mom liked cooking and she said "Oh, I don't because I'm thin. I bet your mother is overweight!" (My mother weighs 110 pounds at age 70).

What do these melt-downs even look like and why is everyone so afraid of them? My DH was so afraid of his mother's meltdown because nobody liked to make her cry, when it finally happened I was so relieved. She was so transparently manipulative that I just laughed at her crying. DH saw clearly, and that was the last manipulative meltdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a car? Why is going to the grocery store yourself not a thing?

We all have cars. I think the real problem is confronting the anxiety ridden freakout we will endure from our hosts if we bring in "foreign-foods". Many of you are advocating us to grow a pair but believe me it's easier said than done when the hosts are excellent at making you feel uncomfortable and as though you're walking on eggshells. Needless to say, I'm very glad to be back home.

I'm the person whose ex's mom had a "no outside foods" in the house rule. She would MELT down. But heaven forbid you dared "insult" her by leaving the house without inviting her to get food!

Also, she would call everyone who ate more than a bird "piggish." I once mentioned my mom liked cooking and she said "Oh, I don't because I'm thin. I bet your mother is overweight!" (My mother weighs 110 pounds at age 70).

What do these melt-downs even look like and why is everyone so afraid of them? My DH was so afraid of his mother's meltdown because nobody liked to make her cry, when it finally happened I was so relieved. She was so transparently manipulative that I just laughed at her crying. DH saw clearly, and that was the last manipulative meltdown.

Well, I'm the person with the ex whose mom was crazy. His parents were divorced and his dad was even more crazy and manipulative. We'd have to visit both over the holidays, unless he and his dad were going through one their not talking to each other phases.

She'd get hysterical. I wasn't afraid of her, but I was afraid of my ex's reaction because it meant he would be mean and angry and take it out on me over the next few days. So the problem ins't just the parent--it's how the child deals with it. Which, again, is why he's my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a car? Why is going to the grocery store yourself not a thing?

We all have cars. I think the real problem is confronting the anxiety ridden freakout we will endure from our hosts if we bring in "foreign-foods". Many of you are advocating us to grow a pair but believe me it's easier said than done when the hosts are excellent at making you feel uncomfortable and as though you're walking on eggshells. Needless to say, I'm very glad to be back home.

I'm the person whose ex's mom had a "no outside foods" in the house rule. She would MELT down. But heaven forbid you dared "insult" her by leaving the house without inviting her to get food!

Also, she would call everyone who ate more than a bird "piggish." I once mentioned my mom liked cooking and she said "Oh, I don't because I'm thin. I bet your mother is overweight!" (My mother weighs 110 pounds at age 70).

What do these melt-downs even look like and why is everyone so afraid of them? My DH was so afraid of his mother's meltdown because nobody liked to make her cry, when it finally happened I was so relieved. She was so transparently manipulative that I just laughed at her crying. DH saw clearly, and that was the last manipulative meltdown.

You sound like me. My MIL is definitely a mood manipulator mother of sons. And they lived in constant fear of her meltdowns. When that stopped working, as I couldn't abide it, she's switched to pity and guilt. It becomes a chore to push back on all the crazy, so sometimes I do let it slide-reluctantly. We also have kids now and I don't want every visit be my kids witnessing me fight back against their grandma.

[Anonymous]

eh, that is why you simply close the kitchen. That way the rules are clear. If you need to eat between meals, hike yourself on over to McDonald's or the nearest gas station - and EAT THERE. Don't bring that food into the house.

[Anonymous]

you suck as a host if you let your guests go hungry. point blank period.