Love the amenities in Bethesda, hate the people

[Anonymous]

OK hate is a little strong. We have lived here three years and our neighbors are so unfriendly! Everyone is so busy/important. I have lived all over the world, so I am comfortable moving to a new place etc.

I love: the schools, the libraries, the pools, the parks, the metros, the commute to work, great shopping, access to nature, the safety/low crime.

But: I feel like I am bringing my kids up in a really unfriendly materialistic environment.

I know this is probably just life outside a major city. But the idea of staying here for 15 years really gets me down.

Anyone have advice? Should I just "bloom where I am planted" or try to make a change?

[Anonymous]

I understand. Everyone here is so busy trying to become "successful" or maintain a lifestyle. Most are too busy to realize that they are actually miserable. Nice house, nice car, nice neighborhood and child in fancy private school does NOT gaurantee happiness. I, too, wish others would slow down and stop to smell the roses.

Find a book club. There will be women and men who work in and outside of the home. Finding even one friend to enjoy coffee with will make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Stick it out. You'll meet some like-minded folks eventually; they just may not be your close-by neighbors.

I feel the same way, and used to feel more so, but once DC was in preschool, and we started meeting other preschool parents, we found some families that we really get along with.

I realize we're part of the problem--we're a two-worker family, both pretty intense jobs, so we haven't made the time to meet all our neighbors either. Some of them might think we're unfriendly. We're not; we're just swamped. I don't think we're materialistic or self-important, though.

If neighborhood is specifically important to you--i.e., you want your kids to be able to walk and bike to their friends' houses, you want to have block parties and potlucks, join the neighborhood pool, etc.--then you may want to change neighborhoods. Look for an older neighborhood that's not all McMansions. But realize that those are slowly changing too--lot by lot, year by year, the McMansions continue their inexorable march.

[Anonymous]

I have made some nice friends here -- for example one was through my DD preschool and the other through work -- but neither of them live nearby!

My work friend lives in Silver Spring, and says it is much more laid back etc. But the truth is I worry about the schools too much.

I do feel sad that the neighborhood will not produce life-long friendship and a sense of community. Maybe this just does not happen anymore and it is so last century. Or maybe you have to live in a small town to have that.

I also have a good friend in Gaithersburg who loves it there, but that is way too far of a commute.

There is a lot of money here that makes me nervous. I know from reading DCUM I will get flamed for that but it's true. Uggs for kindergartners, iPhones for 6th graders etc. We don't make that kind of money and never will. We put it all into the house and savings. But even if we did have it, we wouldn't spend it like that.

People always say hello in my neighborhood , but it rarely goes beyond that.

[Anonymous]

I think Bethesda in terms of walkability, low crime, proximity to DC, etc is very much like Clarendon. After having lived in both areas, I find Clarendon to be much less snobby. People are not materialistic and flashy like parts of Bethesda--even with similar socioeconomic factors. People on this side of the river tend to be much friendlier and not 'keep up with jones' type'. Majority of people would never choose private, but are proud of their public schools and the families that do go private ate just as socialable and down-to-earth. This is why we made the move.

[Anonymous]

Get involved in some things. You should look inside yourself to see if it is something about you. In my case I had this big image of living in DC and my life would be like a sitcom with cool friends popping by my downtown loft. Them reality hit and I have enough friends, just not how I imagined it.

Remember, wherever you go there you are.

You can be happy here, there are hundreds of thousands of people here, many new people coming every day looking for friendships.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone in finding Bethesda a hard place to get started in. DC is famously unfriendly! But, stick it out, and you will find someone who is like you -- everyone goes thru this in Bethesda.

[Anonymous]

My Bethesda neighborhood isn't particularly friendly - in part because kids are in a mix of private and public schools so don't know each other. But once we switched to the public schools we ended up making a lot more friends both in the neighborhood and nearby. And they are down to earth, interesting people. Try reaching out. One of our neighbors hosted a cocktail party for the block. That helped a lot. We have also gotten involved in school, sports and scouts (we both work FT in demanding jobs but have flexibility), which helps to get to know other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get involved in some things. You should look inside yourself to see if it is something about you. In my case I had this big image of living in DC and my life would be like a sitcom with cool friends popping by my downtown loft. Them reality hit and I have enough friends, just not how I imagined it.

Remember, wherever you go there you are.

You can be happy here, there are hundreds of thousands of people here, many new people coming every day looking for friendships.

I think I do have an expectation that life should be more fun, more connected than this. We have the house, employment, family nearby, friends, great kids etc and I do volunteer work with a cause I am very passionate about yet still I feel disconnected. Maybe it just takes more than 3 years for a place to feel like a home.

In another thread, people were complaining about neighbors who hung around on their porches. I would love to go hang around with my neighbors and drink a beer. Tonight I am going out but I will be driving close to 30 mins. and will fight to find parking to meet some friends who also drove in from 30 mins away etc. I have to accept that this is life in the suburbs though, and not as you said, keep replaying the sitcom in my head. I just feel there has to be more. I really do long for a sense of community.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids - I find it harder when kids are yound.

Once my kids were older - I meet moms at games and other activities. The ones we like we invite over for cookouts, etc. Some friendhips stick, others don't.

I actually think 3 years is not a long time. I would expect you to have a handful of friends but not a full community of friends.

BTW - I don't live in Bethesda - I know exactly what u r talking about. Kids all over have Uggs in K and iPhone 5 in middle school, even in the exburbs and Silver Spring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have made some nice friends here -- for example one was through my DD preschool and the other through work -- but neither of them live nearby!

My work friend lives in Silver Spring, and says it is much more laid back etc. But the truth is I worry about the schools too much.

I do feel sad that the neighborhood will not produce life-long friendship and a sense of community. Maybe this just does not happen anymore and it is so last century. Or maybe you have to live in a small town to have that.

I also have a good friend in Gaithersburg who loves it there, but that is way too far of a commute.

There is a lot of money here that makes me nervous. I know from reading DCUM I will get flamed for that but it's true. Uggs for kindergartners, iPhones for 6th graders etc. We don't make that kind of money and never will. We put it all into the house and savings. But even if we did have it, we wouldn't spend it like that.

People always say hello in my neighborhood , but it rarely goes beyond that.

What do you know about the Silver Spring schools that makes you worry?

We moved out of Bethesda to Silver Spring for all these reasons and have never looked back. We love it here and have lots of good friends through school, our neighborhood, and church - and our kids are thriving in the schools.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I am interested that you moved from Bethesda to SS. Can you elaborate on why?

How do you find the schools? I am not concerned about ES and not really about HS, but I have heard some scary things about MS -- violence, bullying etc.

[Anonymous]

I've lived in Bethesda for 10 years. When we moved into my hood, we moved into the first new build (I guess what you would all call a McMansion) on our street. All the other houses on our block were 1950s ramblers, most of which had the original owners. We got to know our immediate neighbors, but were not hanging out with them as they were mostly in their 80s and we had a new baby. But we were all friendly, helping each other, etc.

Little by little, the neighbors moved or passed, and houses were torn down, with new McMansions coming up in their place. Now those are all filled with young families with kids our kids' age and we have the greatest neighbors around. We have become very close with at least 7 houses of neighbors and we all hang out together, kids play, we all look after each other's homes and elderly parents, etc. I love living here. Oh, and kids go to a mix of public and private, but we're still all good friends.

Please stop stereotyping us - most of us on oue block came from very humble beginnings and did well by working our way up. And Bethesda is too large to generalize about, I'm sure it varies from neighborhood to neighborhood. I'd write more, but I'm heading over to my neighbor's house to watch the playoffs with a bunch of other neighbors!

[Anonymous]

People can be unfriendly.

What I do is go up and embrace people, and I don't let go. I keep on repeating "It's not your fault; let it go. It's not your fault; let it go".
Eventually they start to cry. You have now broken their barriers down and can start to build a good friendship.

I have forged a number of strong relationships this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get involved in some things. You should look inside yourself to see if it is something about you. In my case I had this big image of living in DC and my life would be like a sitcom with cool friends popping by my downtown loft. Them reality hit and I have enough friends, just not how I imagined it.

Remember, wherever you go there you are.

You can be happy here, there are hundreds of thousands of people here, many new people coming every day looking for friendships.

I think I do have an expectation that life should be more fun, more connected than this. We have the house, employment, family nearby, friends, great kids etc and I do volunteer work with a cause I am very passionate about yet still I feel disconnected. Maybe it just takes more than 3 years for a place to feel like a home.

In another thread, people were complaining about neighbors who hung around on their porches. I would love to go hang around with my neighbors and drink a beer. Tonight I am going out but I will be driving close to 30 mins. and will fight to find parking to meet some friends who also drove in from 30 mins away etc. I have to accept that this is life in the suburbs though, and not as you said, keep replaying the sitcom in my head. I just feel there has to be more. I really do long for a sense of community.

To be fair in the other thread there was a lot of other hanging-around-outside stuff that people were complaining about. People passed out drunk on front lawns, people doing drugs out front, couples and families arguing outside, homeless people sleeping under porches.