ADHD 2nd grade son expelled for the day
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Anonymous
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Very down about this. He got a science kit for his birthday a few months back, and I didn't realize it came with a scalpel (albeit a dull one). He took the scalpel into school today without telling me so he could share it during show and tell, and while he was being his fidgety self on the carpet, poked himself, poked another kid, poke poke poke. No visible scratches, no blood, but a big mistake nonetheless. When the teacher saw the scalpel, she calmly confiscated it, quietly notified the principal, and let the class continue. During reading time, the principal came to the class, pulled my son out, and they had a discussion. They were about to mark this down as a counseling session when two things happened: 1 - they asked him if he'd ever purposefully use the scalpel to hurt someone and he said, "Well...maybe."; 2 - the child who he poked came out and said that he was poked. So they decided to teach him a lesson and suspend him for the day. I guess he would normally have missed all of Monday, too, but since the event happened first thing in the morning, they are just going to have today be his day.
So now...what do I do? I'm not sure if other parents out there of ADHD kids struggle with impulsive tendencies in combination with violent play? My son would never willingly hurt anyone, but he does like to use violent language, and many times his words are bigger than his intended actions. He also likes to do a lot of pretend play involving pretend guns, pretend swords, pretend light sabers. My husband and I have tried to curtail the activity - it's a real challenge. After this incident in school today, I'm wondering if we need to see a therapist, and if so, what kind? We are supposed to start a social skills group this coming week, although I heard yesterday that they may have to postpone due to low enrollment. Does anyone have any specific recommendations that might help us? |
Anonymous
| No specific recommendations, but my adhd, significantly language delayed child also makes gun noises sometimes and says things like this. I recently threw out a big plastic nerf gun that had made it into our house through an older sibling. I agree its tough to curtail. My child is a very sweet child, inspite of this kind of thing. So sorry -- try not to be too down about it. |
Anonymous
| I know some parents would be horrified by this but once I agreed to put my child on medication (Adderall and now Concerta), all the behavior OP described subsided. Last year my son's behavior was off the charts and I was getting calls from the school several times a week. He had an in school suspension and an at home suspension. Was always losing recess and missing school trips. This year I have not gotten a call, maybe one note for a minor infraction. You should strongly consider it. My family and my son's life is so much more enjoyable. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I don't mean to be rude, but you say your son would never willingly hurt someone but when asked whether he intended to hurt someone he seemed to indicate yes, he did.
I think you serve the suspension. Consider this from the perspective of the other parent -- some kid came in and poked their kid with a scalpel, albeit a dull one. I'd be raising holy hell if your son wasn't severely disciplined, and I wouldn't want to hear squat about ADHD or anything else. |
Anonymous
| PP -- the OP isn't questioning the suspension. She's trying to figure out how to address the issue and help her child. I suspect "discinpline" isn't going to suddenly change this, not that he shouldn't be disciplined. |
Anonymous
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I've been through this type of thing so I know what you are dealing with, so I'd like to lend some thoughts specifically about the logistics end of things.
First, being removed for one day is a suspension not an expulsion. This is very important if your child has an IEP because there are different protections for each accorded by the law if a behavior is deemed as a manifestation of a disability. Where this gets blurry is if the school determines that what he possessed can be considered a weapon. At my sons' school kids can get expelled for bringing in a toy weapon, so a scapel would definitly fall under the "dangerous weapon" moniker. It sounds like the school is much less intense and they have made their decision, but repeat offenses do add up and compound. If you are in good with the special ed coordinator it would be a good time to have an honest discussion about his IEP (if he has one) and things like that. If he doesn't have an IEP it would be in your best interest to get one. Students with IEPs can't be expelled for manifestations of their disability (unless they cause gross physical harm to someone, but even then there are rules). |
Anonymous
I dont think discipline is going to cut it here. I think pp had it right - the way out is to medicate the child into docility. |
Anonymous
Please, please go away. Just go. This is just not the time or place to start this tired debate again. A mom is asking for help and this kind of sarcasm and accusation is really out of place and wrong here. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I'm not in any way questioning the suspension. Of course I want all people who are around my son and family to feel safe, and my son clearly crossed some lines today. Removing him from school was the right call.
But - if you are the parent of a child with ADHD, you know how hard - just downright difficult and sometimes impossible - it is to change behavior, be it through discipline or positive reinforcement. I could lock my son in his room for the rest of the day, let him out for bathroom breaks and meals only, make him scrub each bathroom top to bottom, paint the house, take away TV and screens for 2 months, and would it actually change his behavior or his understanding of what happened? I'm not so sure. Are we punishing him for this? Absolutely. Despite what I just said, screen time and favorite toys (the ones that inspire violent pretend play) have been taken away. Screens just for the weekend, but the others for good. To go further, I've also told him that playtime in which he is pretending to shoot someone is no longer allowed. I have no idea how we will enforce that, or what we will help him replace it with, but we've made the decision to go this route. Is it enough? Is there something else we should do? Should we be talking to a professional, and if so what kind? |
Anonymous
A little more direct than I would have said it, but I agree. I don't know if my ADHD little guy would do the same thing, but honestly, I've never given him the chance. He has cut things with scissors (at home) that shouldn't have been (think cords to blinds sort of things). I take all sharp items from him and he can't take them to school. We have a place in the house where they are stored and he has to put them back when done. I do worry about sharps and really debated about allowing him to have them at all. I wouldn't spend much more time on this particular event though. I'm sure he had to apologize. He's heard from you, the principal and the teacher that he was wrong. He's serving his suspension. Now he needs to move on and not do it again. |
Anonymous
| OP here again - meant to say that my son is on medication. I wonder if the dosage is just not high enough anymore? We had him on Focalin XR 15 mg for a few months, but had to scale back to 10 mg because it was making him very anxious and a bit lethargic. We've always thought that what he really needs is a dose of 12.5 mg because while the 15 is too much, I think the 10 is not quite enough to make up for all of the impulse control. Sorry, I should have included this before. |
Anonymous
There is nothing wrong with using medication for its intended purpose. Which includes dampening impulsive behavior, and helping the child pay attention to the instruction. Also to get them to be less oppositional. Right? |
Anonymous
| 12:18 again. You've gone way further than I would have. Kids know that when you get suspended from school, you did something really awful. I probably wouldn't allow screen time or fun play during the day - reading, fine. And, I'd be sure he made up the work. But taking the pretend to shoot guns thing away is going to be really tough to enforce. You aren't around him all the time and it's really unrelated. If you are really concerned that he might hurt someone, then maybe you are right. But, if he just did this impulsively and isn't otherwise violent or hurtful, I don't think it's a big deal. FWIW, my ADHD boy is so super honest and thoughtful in responding that he would also say that he didn't know if he would hurt someone. |
Anonymous
12:18 one more time. Focalin XR caused anxiety in mine and we changed successfully to Vyvanse. |
Anonymous
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OP, I would recommend for you and your son to start seeing a psychologist, to talk through his violent (yes, poking someone with a scalpel is violent) tendencies. Also, if you know your son likes to pretend play as a killer/self-harmer, why do you let watch him movies, cartoons like that? Why do you have toy guns in your house?
I also have an ADHD child. I would never think of having him play with anything that causes violent behavior. |