Help for a perfectionist child?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My third grader manages to work himself into an emotional frenzy over school work because he makes it so much harder than it has to be. He will write and erase a word multiple times because the spacing between letters is "wrong," he will re-check a very simple math problem four times, and if the teacher tells him to write a 5-sentence paragraph, he's convinced he should really do 10 sentences, complete with online research and notations. He ends up feeling completely overwhelmed, which only increases the stress and makes a simple 20-minute assignment take upwards of two hours. I've spoken to his teacher alone, and with him, and she's told him that he doesn't have to be this diligent. She's even told him that if he really feels stressed about something to just skip it and move on (learning the material is not the issue here). I am happy with her low-pressure approach for the most part, but I really feel like he needs to learn to not let perfect be the enemy of good. He had a very relaxing Christmas break, but now I find myself loathing the thought of him doing homework tomorrow. Any thoughts, tips for reducing the drama and conveying to him to just do the damn work and not over think it?
(He is not a perfectionist in other areas of his life. His room is a disaster area.) |
Anonymous
| Skipping assignments and moving on was never a successful strategy for my son. Other than that, all I can say is that I give tons of time to get the work done. Then I give a five minutes warning. At the end of the five minutes, we always Have to regroup and re strategize because mt son is not done, but can't stop. It's only at that point where he can make a successful plan to finish his work. |
Anonymous
|
One of my kids was a perfectionist and it was rooted in anxiety. It affected her ability to take risks, which meant that she rarely succeeded at things, which meant that her confidence plummeted.
Medication reversed that downward spiral. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
I have a friend with a son who sounds similar to yours. And I would urge you to reflect on your dynamic with your son. My friend absolutely feeds her son's anxiety and perfectionism. When he starts spiraling and erasing and sharpening pencils and you can see him starting to get upset and flip out she immediately helps him and starts talking him down. It is obvious that she is trying to avoid *more* stress, but what she does is reward him with her undivided attention for his behavior. So it serves him to start spiraling because he gets his mother's undivided and total attention because he "needs" her. After watching it happen a few times, I asked her if she ever thought of just making him responsible for doing his homework and whatever happens, happens. If it takes 6 hours, that is his problem. If he has a hysterical meltdown, it is his problem. He can handle his homework any way he likes so if he wants it to be perfect it is at the expense of playing outside, watching TV, spending time with family, etc. She looked at me like I was insane, but she tried it and it really helped to cut down the dramatics. My own child has perfectionist tendencies, but she has a mother who thinks homework is largely ridiculous so she has been raised to know that we spend as little time on homework as possible. I don't get involved at all. She knows that if she gets stuck on a problem, she is to circle it and move on. Once she is finished with the whole assignment, she goes back to the skipped problem and sets a timer for 5 mins. If she can't work out the problem in that time, it goes undone and she asks about it in school the next day. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like an anxiety disorder to me. You should address it while he'e young before it gets worse. had this issue with a DC and i recognize it. |
Anonymous
My daughter is a perfectionist but also has a tendency to keep a messy room. I think it's just the one thing they don't mind easing up on; a comfort zone. |
Anonymous
| I remember watching an Oprah episode on hoarding and "they" (the psychologists she had on the episode) said that hoarders typically are perfectionists. They are unable to keep their place *perfect* so instead they go to the complete opposite extreme and make it unbearably *unperfect* |
Anonymous
OMG. I think this is me! I never thought about it that way.... |