Any wives ignore the mistress?

[Anonymous]

Just curious if there is anyone out there like my friend. She is seperated, they are working it out, but he is seeing someone else.
The mistress won't leave, and neither will she.

[Anonymous]

How are husband and wife "working it out" if he is seeing someone?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand these arrangements, nor do I know anyone who's ever been in one. I personally would find that situation intolerable on multiple levels, not the least of which is the disrespect, the arrogance, the risk of STDs and her pregnancy (and the impact $$ to my kids) and then I'd just be pissed about him getting some on the side and I'm on dry ice? Hell, naw!!

[Anonymous]

If you read the surviving infidelity boards there are a lot of people trying to work on things while their partner is still having an affair. The standard advice seems to be that they are in a fog and will snap out of it, end the affair, and come home.

I couldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, if the DW loses all interest in sex but the DH doesn't, it seems to me this kind of arrangement could work in some cases.

[Anonymous]

This is happening to a friend of mine. The husband has been seeing the mistress for two years. Almost the entire time they have been separated.

[Anonymous]

As long as he is getting his cake and eating it too, I don't see the incentive to stop.

An affair is by nature a triangle, and can only happen when there is secrecy, deception, and the "stabilizing" factor of a marriage. Once the marriage partner of say the husband, exposes the affair, and separates/refuses to be a part of it, it is no longer an affair for the husband (may still be an affair if his partner is married but that's her triangle). The affair has to evolve. Now the dude is just in a relationship. Nothing stays static, and the "other woman" over time may get more demanding, may turn into more of a "girlfriend" than mistress, and then the dude is back to have a woman he has has to meet needs of etc.

There is a book "Surprised by Love" written by a pseudo-celeb marriage counselor guru and his wife and mother of his three kids (who was like a former miss america runner up or something) that tells the story of how he cheated and had a long time affair and they divorced and it was only then he snapped out of the fog. They eventually reconciled and remarried.

Like I said super cheesy but some great insight into affairs - given that he is a PhD in clincal psych who does marriage counseling for a living and a guy who had an affair he had some intelligent, insightful things to say about affairs in general.

His affair partner was not married (she was actually an exotic dancer/stripper/escort, super classy!) so once his wife filed for divorce and moved out, he then had a real relationship on his hands. Predictably things fell apart for him as he tried to "save"this woman, especially since the other woman turned out to be crazy and demanding.

[Anonymous]

If my husband or SBTX started sleeping with someone else I would be done with him. I may stay "married" for other reasons (finances/children) but we agree that we each were free to have our own romantic lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm the mistress. I'm pretty sure wife knows about us, but ignores. I'm glad, I have no interest in marrying the guy, I like things the way they are now.

[Anonymous]

I'd never be okay with that. Life is too short to be someone's #2.

[Anonymous]

I don't consider myself his mistress. Rather his girlfriend. Wife has spoken to me online. I enjoy his company, so for now it's fine.

[Anonymous]

You can never understand another relationship- so as a PP said, maybe the wife is OK with it, for other reasons. Maybe she wants to stay married for other reasons and does not think its worth breaking up a home because her husband is sleeping around. I do not understand it either- but there is a fine line between not understanding and judging her.
If, as you suspect her head really is in the clouds- she is going to need support when she realizes what is going on. And being able to say 'I told you so', is not going to help her- or make you feel any better about being right.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't exactly say "ignore", but my DH had an ongoing relationship for several years with a woman in another country. Once I found out about it, I was clear that it had to end, but wasn't willing to break up our family while he worked through it (so maybe a bit like the Surviving Infidelity philosophy the pp mentioned). I also come from a spiritual tradition that strongly supports working it out in most cases. I'd say my stance has been to fight for my marriage and family. It definitely hasn't been easy and our relationship is still a bit rocky, but we're still together and I think we're making baby steps forward, slowly.

Almost no one knows about our situation though because it's very difficult for people to understand. If your friend is trying to fight for her husband/family, try to be supportive even if it's something you wouldn't be able to do. It take more strength than you know.

[Anonymous]

what are the rules for giving christmas gifts, do you have to give a gift to the mistress . Does the mistress pose in the christmas photo by herself or with the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't exactly say "ignore", but my DH had an ongoing relationship for several years with a woman in another country. Once I found out about it, I was clear that it had to end, but wasn't willing to break up our family while he worked through it (so maybe a bit like the Surviving Infidelity philosophy the pp mentioned). I also come from a spiritual tradition that strongly supports working it out in most cases. I'd say my stance has been to fight for my marriage and family. It definitely hasn't been easy and our relationship is still a bit rocky, but we're still together and I think we're making baby steps forward, slowly.

Almost no one knows about our situation though because it's very difficult for people to understand. If your friend is trying to fight for her husband/family, try to be supportive even if it's something you wouldn't be able to do. It take more strength than you know.

I think I know you.