'mean' kid at preschool

[Anonymous]

a few weeks ago our dd switched into a class with a boy who is almost a year old and who tends to be a bit mean to the other children. he is much more articulate (sounds like a 6 year old instead of the 4 year old he is) than anyone else in the class and often makes remarks to the other kids like "you're so annoying" or "you are ugly" or "stupid!" to the other children. i never thought a four year old could sound condescending but he manages to do it.

our dd has told us that a bunch of times that this boy said something mean or made mean faces at her and cries. but she also imitates him by saying this type of stuff to other children on the weekend while she is out on the playground. she seems to both not like him and be in awe of him since he is kind of the boss of the class.

as you can imagine this is incredibly upsetting to us as parents.

we raised the issue with the teacher of our dd's behavior WITHOUT bringing up the other friend and the teacher was the one that brought up the other friend. she said there was a friend in the class who is not always kind to his friends and she though it is because this boy has two older siblings and that he learned some not so nice language from them. she said our dd often likes to follow this friend around and imitate him. the teacher emphasized that this friend is actually a nice boy but sometimes had some bad days.

we have tried to tell our dd that this is not an appropriate way to act but it hasn't helped very much. on the one hand, we are considering taking her out of the preschool. but on the other hand we are wondering whether there are kids like this in every class? or is 4 years too young to be acting like this?

most importantly, does anyone have any advice about how to talk to our daughter about this to make her understand that her friend is not bad but that his behavior is not to be imitated. we know the responsibility for how we teach our child to act is ours.

[Anonymous]

This is very common. Kids mimic both parents and older siblings, and stuff they see on TV. It will be everywhere, so it's better to learn to deal with it than to try to flee.

You did the most important thing by talking to the teacher. I hope she is keeping an eye on the boy and correcting inappropriate behavior and talk when it happens. That's the best way to nip it in the bud.

And then you have to focus on your child. Focus on her behavior in the here and now. Not on the fact she's picking it up from her classmate. Model how to talk nicely. All. The. Time. And remind her not to say mean words to friends. Reward her with tons of praise when she speaks nicely to you and to others. I tell my son in a very upbeat voice, "Thanks for asking so nicely!" "Thanks for being so polite!" "Thanks for sharing without being asked!" "Thanks for being so good on the playdate! I was really proud of you. You shared and used nice words and were a great friend." Over and over and over.

It's not something that changes overnight and you will deal with it for many more years as they kick up their level of inappropriateness.

[kaybn]

Though it's particularly stark when it's one kid who brings this kind of language, it's actually incredibly common to have this kind of issue- if you didn't have it this year, it would definitely come up in Kindergarten, where teachers tend to be less focused on social things (and less likely to address it). And lord knows it will happen in middle school! We have this issue in my daughter's 4s class too (I think it's more often than not a 4s issue, because they are so conscious of social manipulation), though not as dramatic, just a child who uses phrases like this more than the others.

Empowering the kid to know how to respond when another kid behaves like this is important. I focus very strongly on how to respond -- "I don't like it when you say that to me." "That is a rude thing to do." "Please don't talk to me like that." "Those are not kind words" both in discussion AND in modeling it- when a child tries those phrases out at home, part of what she is looking for is for how you respond when someone talks to you like that, so at least in this instance I try to very consciously keep my responses firm and prompt, but in phrases she can use too, as much as possible (i.e. avoiding punishing her, bc she can't punish her friend, or pulling the "you can't talk to your mother like that" line out, because those won't transfer usefully).

She will use what you do if you are clear, especially if you pair it with reflective discussion that's not in a "hot" moment (when you are peeved at her for repeating the phrases and behavoir you don't like).

I also think this is a good time to focus on the skill of noticing and responding to others' emotions, since it sounds like this kid lacks that, and your child perhaps can bolster those skills for herself to mitigate her tendency to follow the leader. "Look at her face. how do you think she feels right now?" both in the moment you catch your child saying something mean, and in a more general way, such as when reading a picture book or other opportunities to tune in to others' feelings. And "How you (or the character in the story) can help her feel better?"

You are also right to steer clear of talking about that kid as bad. I'm very firm with my daughter about that: "It is also a mean thing to call someone mean." Saying, "That is a mean thing to say" -- WHEN it happens -- is a subtly but tremendously importantly different from discussing a child as BEING mean generally. A kid can respond in a productive way to being told that they've SAID something mean, but they don't have a lot of options when they are labeled mean, except to live up to it.

[Anonymous]

Op you're so annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you're so annoying.

He he he

[Anonymous]

Nanny here-

This happened to DC last year in her first year of school. A year later she is still quoting all these rude comments and mimicing the head banging of the annoying kid. Personally I would have taken her out of the school, but the parents didn't and now we are all dealing with the consequences. She went from a sweet girl to a rude little girl. I've known her since birth and this is upsetting for all of us. If anyone has suggestions I'd appreciate this too!!