Reply to 'mean' kid at preschool

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[quote=kaybn]Though it's particularly stark when it's one kid who brings this kind of language, it's actually incredibly common to have this kind of issue- if you didn't have it this year, it would definitely come up in Kindergarten, where teachers tend to be less focused on social things (and less likely to address it). And lord knows it will happen in middle school! We have this issue in my daughter's 4s class too (I think it's more often than not a 4s issue, because they are so conscious of social manipulation), though not as dramatic, just a child who uses phrases like this more than the others.

Empowering the kid to know how to respond when another kid behaves like this is important. I focus very strongly on how to respond --  "I don't like it when you say that to me." "That is a rude thing to do." "Please don't talk to me like that." "Those are not kind words" both in discussion AND in modeling it- when a child tries those phrases out at home, part of what she is looking for is for how you respond when someone talks to you like that, so at least in this instance I try to very consciously keep my responses firm and prompt, but in phrases she can use too, as much as possible (i.e. avoiding punishing her, bc she can't punish her friend, or pulling the "you can't talk to your mother like that" line out, because those won't transfer usefully).

She will use what you do if you are clear, especially if you pair it with reflective discussion that's not in a "hot" moment (when you are peeved at her for repeating the phrases and behavoir you don't like).

I also think this is a good time to focus on the skill of noticing and responding to others' emotions, since it sounds like this kid lacks that, and your child perhaps can bolster those skills for herself to mitigate her tendency to follow the leader. "Look at her face. how do you think she feels right now?" both in the moment you catch your child saying something mean, and in a more general way, such as when reading a picture book or other opportunities to tune in to others' feelings. And "How you (or the character in the story) can help her feel better?"

You are also right to steer clear of talking about that kid as bad. I'm very firm with my daughter about that: "It is also a mean thing to call someone mean." Saying, "That is a mean thing to say" -- WHEN it happens -- is a subtly but tremendously importantly different from discussing a child as BEING mean generally. A kid can respond in a productive way to being told that they've SAID something mean, but they don't have a lot of options when they are labeled mean, except to live up to it.
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