Holidays at In-Laws vs. Home

[Anonymous]

I have no idea how to bring this up IRL, so thought I'd outsource to collective DCUM wisdom.

MIL has bipolar disorder, as well as some more generalized anxieties. While we've made the several-hour trip to the IL's house in the past year, a few recent visits have been marred--MIL made the trip down here for DC's birthday party for example, and wouldn't/couldn't leave the hotel on the day of the party. She also wouldn't/couldn't come over the next day to see DC because she was embarrassed (which, having had anxiety issues in the past myself, I kind of understand). FIL has come down by himself a few times to see DC, and they have a pretty good relationship. MIL is upset that she's not developing a relationship with DC, but she's also not able to do anything that would foster a relationship. We show DC pictures of her frequently and talk about her, so that hopefully, he knows who she is a little bit, and we send her pictures of him frequently.

Since this year, we're celebrating Thanksgiving at my parents' house (we trade off every year, and were at the IL's house last year), we made an effort to go to the IL's last month. The trip was cancelled at the last minute, because MIL didn't think she could get the house ready in time. Now she's making intimations that we shouldn't bother to come up for Christmas because it'll cause her too much stress.

It's absolutely killing me what this news is doing to my DH. He's never spent a Christmas without his family, and he's incredibly hurt that his mom would tell him not to come. The two of them have been to counseling together in the last year, which introduced a couple of good coping tactics, but he constantly feels like he's disappointing his mom, and nothing he can do will make her proud of him. He understands that this is a byproduct of her illness, but it's hurtful nonetheless. DH bends over backwards to accommodate his mom when she comes to visit, and I really wish that she could appreciate the help he gives her and the opportunity to get to know her grandchild.

I've suggested that we go to DH's hometown for Christmas but stay in a hotel to alleviate stress on his mom, but he's worried that just setting up for the holidays will be hard for her.

My family is Jewish, so spending Christmas with my family is a non-issue; I've also only ever spent Christmas with DH's family. I'm actually more than happy to start our own family traditions at our home with our DC, but I know that that might be a little bit disappointing for DH. I'm planning to take the usual time off from work to anticipate travel time (I'd really like to make the trip work!) but would also like to figure out how to make alternative plans in case we do need to stay at home.

Any tips or advice for what I should do? How can I bring this up to my family without starting an argument or lending to feelings of disappointment? I actually have a good relationship with MIL, but this isn't necessarily the kind of thing I'd call her to talk about. Thanks in advance for any help!

[Anonymous]

Dude, your MIL is sick. It doesn't sound like you or your husband are particularly mindful of this. It's not like she is coming and throwing fits or whatever. She's telling you that these visits are causing her pain / anxiety. I think a phone call is in order from your husband to simply tell her how much he'll miss her and to constantly reassure her that you don't want to cause her anxiety. but he also and maybe you could stand a few counseling sessions to understand what life is like for a bipolar person. It's not easy, but it's an illness and she probably cannot change it.

Can you invite her to your house? And just make it very open "if you can come, wonderful. If you begin to feel anxious, understood?"

[Anonymous]

Is MIL getting treatment? I think if she can't handle you coming for a visit, you shouldn't go. Like a PP suggested, open the invitation to your house for Christmas, and prepare for a quiet holiday that may or may not include the ILs. Think about local activities you want to do as a family, traditions of your own to start. Go to a holiday musical performance. Get some special new stockings and decorations for your house. Perhaps this could be the start of alternating years of Christmas with who travels (you or the ILs)--sometimes hosting the holidays gets old whether or not they have a mental illness.

DH probably ought to do some solo counseling to get a better handle on MIL's illness and its impact on his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, your MIL is sick. It doesn't sound like you or your husband are particularly mindful of this. It's not like she is coming and throwing fits or whatever. She's telling you that these visits are causing her pain / anxiety. I think a phone call is in order from your husband to simply tell her how much he'll miss her and to constantly reassure her that you don't want to cause her anxiety. but he also and maybe you could stand a few counseling sessions to understand what life is like for a bipolar person. It's not easy, but it's an illness and she probably cannot change it.

Can you invite her to your house? And just make it very open "if you can come, wonderful. If you begin to feel anxious, understood?"

PP, thanks for your reply! We absolutely understand that she's sick, and that the visits cause her pain and anxiety--I'm sorry if that didn't come across in my original post. We've spoken with counselors; we help her with her medications. I have depression on my side of the family too, and I know very well that it's something that can be managed but will continue to affect interactions because it's a chronic condition. Totally understood. We've been flexible in the past, accommodating the illness and attempting to make her comfortable; for example, we actually had our entire wedding in a hotel, to give her ample space to leave if she had to at any point during the ceremony or reception. My mom invited her and the rest of the family to their home for Thanksgiving, so they can see DC without the stress of hosting. My husband has called several times to assure her that we don't want to add to anxieties. She feels very embarrassed if she comes down and can't make it to our place to see DC, and that leads to a spiral.

She's been to our home a few times, which is great when she's here. But often, she tries to assert independence in ways that she just can't: trying to walk a half-mile from her hotel to our place, for example, on an injured knee, when DH and I have offered to come pick her up to help her out. (She can't stay at our place or a hotel closer by, because she smokes and needs a smoking room.)

Less than asking what to do with my MIL, I'm looking for ways to bring up the conversation with DH in a non-hurtful way. Or ways to make flexible plans to accommodate whatever the holiday plans wind up being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is MIL getting treatment? I think if she can't handle you coming for a visit, you shouldn't go. Like a PP suggested, open the invitation to your house for Christmas, and prepare for a quiet holiday that may or may not include the ILs. Think about local activities you want to do as a family, traditions of your own to start. Go to a holiday musical performance. Get some special new stockings and decorations for your house. Perhaps this could be the start of alternating years of Christmas with who travels (you or the ILs)--sometimes hosting the holidays gets old whether or not they have a mental illness.

DH probably ought to do some solo counseling to get a better handle on MIL's illness and its impact on his life.

OP here, this is very helpful, thanks!